one thing 'i' had understood by the onset of 'my' renewed practice of actualism (which the memory of an entirely unexpected pce of several hours' duration had shortly before then made exceedingly clear) may as yet not be apparent to some of those practising today who are close but not quite there, and may be worth indicating in some detail.

something which may be relevant to consider is that with the abeyance of the feeling being (the feeling of being) is the abeyance of all feeling of existence. the actual world - whether as experienced in a pce or an actual freedom - is simply not felt to exist; for this reason, the experience of what is actual may be (and has been) described as an experience of derealisation[1]... which experience (of reality's absence) most notably differentiates what is actual from what is real[2].

it is entirely possible that what is keeping 'me' from the extinction precipitating an actual freedom is that 'i' am attempting to stay in the present moment, and thereby do 'i' remain grounded in the real world (however close to its precipice 'i' may stand). in the actual world, there is no present as such to stay in ... neither 'i' (the intuition of my existence) nor 'my world' (the intuition of reality) have existence here in actuality. to be actually here, and now, is to be nowhere in particular, and nowhen in particular[3].

another, semi-related, tip: in a situation where you find yourself facing an option you mightn't ordinarily choose (or even necessarily see), and its choice seems strangely sensible (or even counter-intuitively so), it might be.

tarin

[1] the two mentions of derealisation here: http://www.actualfreedom.com.au/richard/articles/attentivenesssensuousnessapperceptiveness.htm

[2] correspondence on reality and what is real: http://www.actualfreedom.com.au/richard/selectedcorrespondence/sc-real.htm

[3] practitioners with vipassana experience: cf. the investigation of sensations that imply space and those that imply the sense of time.

'i' just can't seem to lose 'myself' or to get lost... like when preparing dinner last night, 'i' delighted in handling the lettuce, stripping off the green leaves - how leathery they felt! - bunching them together and ripping them into little pieces... but 'i' was still there looking out at the scene.

my baseline mood has not been felicitous recently, though, so i suspect that's part of the problem. or the problem, as you stated here - 'i' in 'my' not-incredibly-felicitous mood am attempting to stay in the present moment, instead of focusing on being happy and harmless and letting it happen.

ah yes I've thought about this too. So I just don't do anything then? It just sort of happens by itself randomly? How did it happen for you?



I'm not fully sure what you mean here. How does this relate? Could you give an example or something?

Thanks

attentiveness applied judiciously with pure intent sincerely being maximized or implied in some way, such as by the reasoning mentioned in tarin's [3].



another tip: one option may first seem to appear as behind a veil.

trent

The very "reckoning" that one is close to AF has been a challenge for me. It seems there have been quite a few points throughout this process when I reckoned I might be close - the thought that one is close to AF has itself become an intuition, which = feeling. I keep getting stuck on this idea that it really "feels" like my mind has much more clarity, that I feel an ease and well being, that I notice almost all of things that used to bother me don't anymore (or when something does bother me, it's almost instantly recognized, investigated and back to happy/harmless), that I see the vividness of life.... and that all of this seems like there isn't much left of "me", but all of these are intuitions.. because one cannot actually "feel" what is no longer present (i.e., parts of "me" that are no longer there). Each time it seems like I've raised the bar to more consistent excellence, I wonder how much closer I am, and try to intuit what's left to do or what's left of "me" to get rid of.

Thoughts, suggestions?

Thanks,
Steph

Sounds like it's going well! I'd say just keep doing what you're doing... don't intuit what's left to do (read Trents excellent post about intuition), but be naive and attentive like being attentive is the only thing in the world to do. From what I understand you keep raising the bar until you're there.

Probably don't go around looking for what "me" is left... if something disturbs the excellence, then find out what it is and eliminate it.

Hehe, that post of Trent's is partially what prompted my above reply, but thought it was off topic enough from physical discomfort/sincerity to place in this thread here.

As far as raising the bar until you're there... I'm wondering if Tarin or Trent can expand on something I think might be related to this.. In a post a while back that Daniel made about practice tips he heard from the fellas, one of them suggested that you don't have to get rid of every little hiding issue to get to AF.. something along the lines of you just gotta have enough momentum to launch into it. I also see on the AF trust website repeated mention (from Peter) of him feeling like it was time to just get it done. Not sure I understand how that works entirely. It just seems odd that one could resolve, OK this is going to be the end of "me" right now. And then *poof* it happens almost at will. Yes, I realize the actual world is always here and that it could happen whenever, but the way Peter describes deciding to get it done makes it sound like there was a specific set of steps/actions he carried out at the very end to go from out from control to AF. I'm talking about the moment to moment step from here to there. Is there one? I don't actually know how much the minuscule details matter that far along into it, so I'm curious. I'm gonna laugh if the answer is... just keep doing what you're doing.

Steph

My assumption is that it's a case of having the brain 'in position' (PCE's EE's etc) for long enough for an incidental 'click' to happen. Consistent with the general idea of neuroplasticity. That would not require every last issue to be found and eliminated. You can't know for sure what your brain is going to do though. It may never happen for some people, it may take years...

Hmm... it does seem like that's how it works - enough will (pure intent) and effort (attentiveness) to just push it over the edge. i guess you just have to get to the point where you see there's really no reason to wait anymore (e.g. tarin said towards the end he realized something like "i saw that both what i wanted and what i didn't want was AF"). i'd be curious to hear other's opinions though. but in the end it's something 'you' do (e.g. "cheerfully consent to go out of existence").

it's occurred to me that things i wrote about my actualism practice in late 2009 (before becoming actually free last year) might be of some relevance to those currently attempting to become actually free themselves. there isn't much of it, but i just dug this up - a quick reply written to a friend (who does not participate on these forums), prompted by a series of his questions:

whether there are less wandering thoughts or inattention,
depends on one's further intention
awakening is to awake from a dream, but then into another
so keep awakening still further - is there still further to discover?
i find myself observing the senses
to 'clean out' this 'i' from senses themselves
and see flesh as flesh and bone and bone
and feel lust as lust and its grip to not hold
the closer (the hidden) 'i' come to infinity
the less there is of even 'me'
me as the feelings in the heart
even the heart must be clearly questioned
awakening is only the start.
so the precision you've seen with your artist's eye
with that carefulness and ease,
to your own heart apply.

(dated 27.07.2009)

i'll post more if i come across writings that, in retrospect, indicate potentially useful ways of exploring.

tarin