I suspect that I have been in Dark Night for about a year now, and have become an expert on having a lot of fear and panic, but unfortunately not such an expert on dealing with it, or accepting it.
Recently I started reading about AF, which really resonated with me. I've found it such a relief to cultivate these pleasant, felicitous 'moods' and finding the world fascinating rather than dull and static, and liberating rather than imprisoning. Today, as I was going about everyday things like showering,taking the train into London and sitting in a tea shop, everything felt so amazingly FRESH. I still had these flickers of fear in my stomach but it was almost like a background sensation that became insignificant when I allowed myself to become absorbed in the shades of light streaming into the train windows and the swaying of the carriage until I was in a really content, possibly EE, state.
On the train home I felt the twitch of fear again and decided to just let myself explore it rather than "becoming external." It was the first time I felt that I had had a choice. Before I felt myself getting sucked into these negative moods with dread. I would 'become them.' Especially for the first 15 minutes or so I was sitting there, genuinely curios and much more accepting about all the emotional and mental shit that was coming up, mainly about being kicked out of univeristy for going on retreat and missing the first week of university. I think this was partly due to the feeling of having a choice-I could explore the negativity or drop it and cultivate felicity instead. Previosly alot of my Dark Night panic was about not seeing an end to the suffering, not being able to do the 'right' things to get me to stream entry. Is this what AFers mean when they talk about realising that they have a choice to be happy?
My question is should I cultivate felicity when I feel that the Dark Night is getting unbearable? Can it be used in the same way as jhanas, when the going gets tough, as a temporary relief? I have spent a lot of this past year trying to cultivate jhanas, but besides a few brief encounters haven't acheived much, where as EEs and PCEs seem much easier for me to achieve.
My plan at the moment is getting stream entry and then AF.
Any thoughts?

Hi Carolin,

Your timing couldn't be better. My Dark Night ended today, after 10 years.

One thing to remember is that the DN has a function. It makes you stronger, among other things. It sometimes seems like an unbearable, never-ending thing, but it really isn't. Yet, even when you know this, even when other people tell you, in the depths of it, in the darkest times, that does not help either.

Realize that. If you're in the DN, the heaviest part of it is the part where it does seem never-ending, ultimate misery that has no function, that will not end and... quite possibly isn't even a DN, just a mess that you will have to live in for the rest of your life.

I've been through this and I am grateful for it. You will come out stronger, better and happier. I feel like I've been broken down and rebuilt. The DN had that function for me. Crushing me and all that I was until I couldn't go on anymore. Then it continued, and continued, and continued... Until today. It's done. I'm better than ever.

False hope was a part of my DN. Each and every time feeling like it had ended, only for it to come crushing down again.

http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/2263140

If you read the last part of the above thread, you will see how I was suicidal last night. And how this morning it was all gone. The DN is gone. And I am grateful for all that it did.

So don't despair, the DN is a good thing. Heavy, awful but *incredibly* good for you. There is no saying how long yours will last. And to be honest, no amount of practice will get you out of it. It's a process that cannot be ended prematurely, cannot be relieved and overrides everything.

Keep in mind though. *This is GOOD". It will change you for the better in a way that you can be grateful for. You'll come out stronger, more confident and happier than you ever thought you could be.

This does not mean that you should stop practicing. Do what feels right.

And remember, in the depths of it all, none of this will help. And that experience is exactly what you need. Once you've experienced true misery in a way that is designed to make you better, you will come out changed for the better.

Feel free to ask me anything about this. I have had the experience for a decade and have seen it all. Gone through it all.

And you know what? Looking back it was one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

Be well Carolin, and if there's anything, post here. We're all here to help.

If you're so good at cultivating felicity that you can do it from within a difficult Dark Night, perhaps you should consider making that your sole practice for awhile and see what happens.

The nice thing about felicity is that it makes paying attention easier, so you're inclined to do it more...so, this would support your goal of stream entry as well.

I gave this advice to someone at KFD. It also can help concerning the cultivation of felicity.

The refining process takes one to the subtler depths of what is happening, where craving and clinging and becoming leap from vedana in the sequence of dependent origination. Hint! Vedana meaning 'feeling tone'. Investigate what happens there.

And if you are up for an experiment: when you are aware of a sensation that has an unpleasant feeling tone overlaying it, what happens when you observe the feeling tone exclusively and then 'hack' it. What I mean by hack is what if you see that unpleasant feeling tone as 'pleasant' instead. See if you can change the feeling tone by just will of mind. 'Hack the vedana'. See what happens to the aversion and mental tension towards an unpleasantness in the body, when instead of automatically having the mind read 'unpleasant feeling tone' and then have craving and clinging and becoming leap off of that, why not change the jumping platform to a pleasant one. What happens to the manifestation of becoming after that? Play around with it. See what happens when you see sensations that are read as unpleasant as pleasant. What does this tell you about the nature of feeling tone?

When there is unpleasant feeling tone, the flow of becoming , of a feeling 'me', spins off of it and manifests as, you got it, an unpleasant mind state. What if you experimented with the point of contact and looked at the automatic feeling tone that overlays a particular sensation. See if you can change the mind's perception of the feeling tone as the complete opposite... a pleasant one!! See what happens to your unpleasant or non-felicitous 'mood' when the jumping platform (vedana-feeling tone) for becoming is a pleasant one. This would also entail exploring the mind states that are manifesting and seeing their physical triggers/supporting factors, a flow of vibrations/sensations perhaps in the body somewhere that is seemingly contributing to the unpleasantness of the dukkha nanas? Focus on the sensations and see how they are automatically read as 'unpleasant' and thus the resultant mind state is unpleasant too. Experiment. It is a fake it till ya make it type of practice. Tell me how it goes!

Nick

"What I mean by hack is what if you see that unpleasant feeling tone as 'pleasant' instead. See if you can change the feeling tone by just will of mind."

Funny that you would say that Nick, because that is exactly what I have been doing to cultivate felicity (although I haven't been able to articulate it), and it is what got me what I suspect was an EE today. Today on the train all the noises that I previously experienced as negative, like beeping, chatter and all the abrupt, load sounds that I previously found annoying and invasive, I now found fascinating and almost soothing by just "tweaking" my perspective a bit.
Reading your post helped! Just got back from a pretty difficult one hour sit observing the fear that was racing through me, vipassana style, which made me a bit less absorbed in it, but still overall, at the end I felt like a slave to my fears and doubts.Having read your post, and then just put one my 'felicitous goggles' to observe the fear, it immediately became interesting. Looks like this is the path for me! I feel like getting into the felicitous mood takes a bit of energy and I am not used to having it as my go to mode yet but from what I have experienced so far REALLY WORTH IT!
Thanks for the wisdom.

just to add: the 'point' of the dark night isn't to suffer. it's to see why suffering arises. anything that helps you see the suffering more clearly will help with this goal. and it certainly seems like felicity is helping you do that! (maybe it has even given you a hint as to why the suffering arises?)

have fun =).

A lot of the people practicing AF who have practice threads talk about stopping formal meditation sits. Do you think it would be a good idea to stop formal sits for a while and just go on walks and focus on putting myself in environments where it is easier to cultivate felicity?
I find it harder to sit formally and ask myself HAITMOBA over and over that to walk around or have a cup of tea and really get lost in the pleasantness of sensing.
Guess its kind of a leading question and I've hinted at what I think, but do you see any benefit in doing samatha sits for example while I go about my day practicing AF?

If you haven't had much success with samatha, then no, I see no real value in mixing it up with felicity / sensuousness at the moment.

I do see value in doing vipassana sits, but that's up to you. On the plus side, it may get you 1st path faster. On the minus side, it may interfere with cultivating felicity. But, if it doesn't interfere, it could be good, and I would recommend it.

Your timing couldn't be better. My Dark Night ended today, after 10 years.

I'd like to comment on this statement, as a caution, not a criticism.
My experience with DN was one of repetition. I'd leave it, reach 11th nana, equanimity, then go back to DN then back to Eq. This happened several times. It may happen for others this way as well. It's not a sign of failure, but one of progress. If it does happen it's normal, no cause for alarm. Keep doing what got you to this point and you'll leave DN for good, stream entry!!

All the best,
Brian.

Appreciate the comments.

For stream entry, I recommend the Direct Point folks.

I have no clue as to what 11th nana or what jhanas etc. are so can't comment on that.

The DN is like the ruthless drill sergeant that will not stop until you are broken down, rebuilt and better than ever.

Well, at least that's my experience and reading other people's accounts, it's generally perceived as being a healing process. Awful but healing.

Stream entry happened for me a long time ago, but it didn't end the DN. The DN will not be stopped until it's finished, no matter what you do.

I see it as a blessing. Sometimes being crushed down is necessary for being rebuilt. It takes away the old you, crushes it, and from that point the new you is being built.

Anyway, just my experience, something I am now really grateful for.

Do you mean MCTB 1st path, or stream entry purely according to the 10 fetters model?

If the former, can you attain a cessation at will or with relative ease in meditation?

Either way, could you describe what this attainment was like for you?