RE: An Idiots Guide to Dharma Diagnosis
3/31/12 8:40 AM as a reply to Elle Francis Gee. Reply Reply with Quote
Wow. I'm no master and I have gained no attainment yet despite spending 7 months of the last year meditating, but i don't plan on stopping there. I'm about to head off to Malaysia for another 12 wk retreat, and one month ago was in a Thai monastery in Australia for 6 weeks. Where i was planning on ordaining after a year. Unfortunately they worked me a bit to hard there, concrete and digging footings with crowbar. My back started to get some problems and i left. I've had a fair bit of depression over the years not just darknight stuff but conditioning/inprinting the has been wired into the brain after my mother died when i was 10. I'm 36 now and been through some stuff.
In my experience meditation and personality don't always mix and fix up history and the situation you find yourself in. It make it a lot better for handling things true. But you better be holding your centre, because the shit comes back as soon as you identify with or become the story/ego etc. Being poor and totally unmotivated toward well everything but Buddhism, has made my life a lot lonelier, somedays it doesn't matter. But other days it really hits home when I want a lover and the things that could help me have a life with someone, more wanting true.
Jack Kornflied, one of the greats, occasionally mentions people getting stuck in retreat and needing to go back to their issues and basically not being able to progress in the practice as a result. I've been there, heavy catharsis assuming you can get to the catharsis.
I'm not saying go to a councillor, cause i didn't, but on the other hand there has been some really progressive development in psychology since Freud. pheonix institute transpersonal counselling
So to finish up i really admire your courage to talk about this stuff so honestly, that's gotta be the foundations of strong insight.
Asia is a great place, for cheap by donation long retreats. Whether your in Equanimity or not this shit can pass, everything passes actually. If you've got it, whatever it is, maybe you can get a quick break through to stream-entry, but that doesn't fix everything up, but it may help a lot or be stabilising for the pain in an open vulnerable kind of way. Just keep at it, go on retreat and if you don't crack it quick, keep at it, it will help with the shit that comes up.
Metta Neem
Can start own thread and make link.
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Elle Francis Gee
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Join Date: 3/30/12
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RE: An Idiots Guide to Dharma Diagnosis
3/31/12 12:24 PM as a reply to neem nyima. Reply Reply with Quote
Wow. Your words really hit home. You're so right. I have to resist letting this situation define me. It has happened in the past and made me totally miserable. I actually do have a boyfriend. That's another issue... I love him so much but my love is more like a deeper love than I have for anyone else but not a romantic love. We have discussed this and he knows my plans to go on retreats and hopefully become ordained one day. He's great to talk to and encourages me very much to do what makes me happy. That's how I knew that I'd gone over some type of edge. When we got together I was at a point in my life where I did not want to be in another relationship. Although I love him dearly again it's not an "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" love. It is very comforting to have someone to talk to that understands but we do have that understanding that I will move on one day. We're just enjoying each other's company until then. There are very little sexual relations involved which makes me feel that I've lost my desire for that. I will definitely look into the idea of receiving treatment for this specific issue. You're point actually made a lot of sense to me. I definitely do think that I need to get past this difficult time before I can move on. I understand the situation but it can't hurt to talk to someone about it. I will also look up some things in Asia that could be beneficial to me. I've heard about people going over there with very little and finding themselves in the right place. Thank you again so very much for your advice and helpfulness! I appreciate your post more than you know! I also wanted to say that you must be very strong as well for going through your mother's death so young. My parent's aren't really in the picture but my mother is still there if I really need her for some things. Please stay in touch. I think that I could learn a lot from you.
