Steph S:
When you write that physical tension is the main hindrance now, do you mean as a general obstacle not referring to Buddhist terminology or are you trying to discuss the 5 hindrances in reference to Buddhist terminology? Cuz physical tension isn't 1 of the 5 hindrances. Either way, let's talk 5 hindrances because they are a direct barrier to tranquility and insight. They are:
1. sensory desire
2. ill will
3. sloth and torpor
4. restlessness
5. doubt
Which of these do you think is giving rise to the physical tensions that are recently happening (or if any tensions are occurring right now, investigate that)? Note that not all tensions are caused by the same hindrance and so specific types of tensions arise as a result of each of the hindrances.
Steph
Bad choice of word. My point is that it's pretty obvious that I spent my entire life with some kind of tension. As a child I had issue with tension in my neck. Shaking my leg nervously (it's called RLS for a reason...) is something I started doing quite early in my life. Over time, anxiety increased, so did the tension, until I started meditation. By learning to pay attention to my body I am now able to release quite a bit of those. I was able to get rid of my Irritable Bowel Syndrome for which I took a medication for 5 years!
It has been reported by girlfriends in the past that I have spams while sleeping but it got much worse after my last retreat. The symptoms are coming back now that my practice improve. I have very tense during my sleep, so much that it's hard to sleep. Falling asleep is also an issue because of all the spams.
I can get rid of the tension I have sometimes in my back with a meditation session but the body-wide tension (shoulders, legs) are that are hard to get rid of.
So it's basically a form of anxiety I have to deal with but now that I'm getting pretty good at paying attention, I have to face the physical effect directly. Let say I have to talk to my boss about something that make me anxious, I direct my attention to my body to release the tension. I greatly reduced procrastination simply by paying attention to my body. Still, sometimes it's more than I can handle. The more tension I experience, the harder it is to pay attention.
To come back to the 5 hindrances, only sloth and torpor is an occasional issue, mainly the weekend for lack of discipline It is also one of the reason I keep using wellbutrin. Without it, I get in a state of confusion. At work, I do 30-45 minutes sitting at lunch time and it make such a difference! My attention greatly increases for the rest of the day and my anxiety is way down.
If by restlessness you mean physical restlessness, this isn't a issue. If you mean mental chaos, then it is to some degree but it goes hand in hand with physical tension that I can break with a good sitting session.
The spams I get at bed time seems to be related to the speed at which images arise in my consciousness. It's just overwhelming.
My desire to have sex reduced dramatically in the last few weeks. Sensual desire of any form is basically not an issue anymore. It is much easier to not let my eyes wander on pretty women.
When I think about it, anger might be problem. Not that I experience real anger but more conflicting thoughts. The most obvious example is the people renting my house who stopped paying me. Those are the kind of situation I find really hard to deal with. I feel strongly the suffering those people experience but my compassion mechanisms aren't fully in place.