| | CCC this is exactly my case: I had severe depression for about one year, all the usual symptoms of long-term clinical depression and some unusual symptoms (derealization and mild hallucination). I started doing meditation hoping it would fix it, and although it took many months, and two very intensive 10-day retreats, I finally got to stream entry, four months ago, and haven't been depressed since.
I don't know about you, but my periods of depression where interspersed with short periods of euphoria. These are also gone. Interestingly, it seems that the good things about euphoria remained (such as vitality, joy, enthusiasm, concentration), and the bad things went away (such as arrogance and eagerness).
I learned a lot about physical and emotional pain, particularly what it is exactly and what it is for. I learned a lot about fear, also. You might discover that fear is something which I we habitually "add" to whatever is causing the fear. I.e., there is some experience X, and then, because it is unusual, or because we feel loss of control, then we react and produce fear. We say that it is "fear of X," but really it is just X and then the fear we add to it.
You could try to do the following exercise, which is what I do to deal with fear: you approach the matter of your fear repeatedly, and try to see how fear arises but it is something different from that which causes it, and then try to calm it down, gently. E.g., try to get into that state which causes you fear, knowing that it will arise and that it WILL cause you fear again, because it is a habitual response. As fear comes, change your object of meditation to fear, see it arise as soon as possible, and try to calm it down, relaxing it as you would a muscle, without letting it overwhelm you. If it begins to be overwhelming, stop going deeper, get up and walk around a bit. There will still be residual fear. Now focus on this residual fear, calming it down. See, it is not so bad! It is just fear, and it is NOT the sensation you where having that caused the fear. So they are two separate things. As soon as you're back on track, repeat the whole thing. Now you are in more familiar territory and have something to do specifically for fear. It will be less scary.
One thing which you should be aware of, is that you should never be afraid of fear. I mean, if fear gets to be overwhelming and stays that way for a while, then you might start thinking "Oh my god it isn't going away, why isn't it going away?!," thus becoming afraid of fear; this causes even more fear, which will feed on itself into a panic attack. You don't want that to happen, so if fear got TOO overwhelming, walk it off in the park or in the living room or with a friend, and try again another day. Don't push hard! Don't strain! If you do, you risk worsening the habitual fear response, and then you'll be worse off than when you started.
With my meditation practice, I was able to see fear arising earlier and earlier in the process (it starts in the belly, where the adrenal glands are located), and learned to calm it down before it escalated. Now I understand that fear is something that is "added" to experience, and by understanding that no good will come from it, I just calm the fear down and let experience do what it wants. I find that with ongoing practice I became able to let more intense things happen without becoming fearful. This is an ability one develops through contemplative practices.
But the most interesting outcome is not that you will become able to let unpleasant stuff happen and be ok with it, what will really blow your mind away is when all the beauty, which was being blocked out along with the bad stuff, starts slowly seeping in.
I recommend meditation to anyone I know :-) |