I am writing a text laying out my motivations and intentions for my upcoming long retreat in 2014.

I would appreciate any comments, suggestions or recommendations for additions, removals, rephrasings, etc.

It is important that it is well formulated, as I will take it to be my main "statement of purpose", and I expect that formulating it correctly will help in all sorts of magickal ways.

Again, any comments are welcome, criticism is most welcome, both with respect to the content of the text, and to the manner it is written.


1 Motivations and Intentions
Here is a reminder for the set of reasons why I am doing this retreat.

1.1 I feel that something is left unsolved.
My depression has triggered a feeling of existential angst, as if something is amiss. This was not there before the event.

From a certain perspective, one could say that it was not there because of lack of awareness of death. From that perspective I have gained something valuable: awareness of something that is true, and that will happen.

From another perspective, it was not there because I somehow was absorbed into the content that formed my life's story, whereas now the narrative process itself is more conscious, and hence less believable. From this perspective, I have gained consciousness of a process of the mind for some arbitrary reason, and this now effectively prevents me from engaging in the world in the way I did then. In a way, I have lost something valuable, the ability to fully buy into my own drama. Though, it should be said, even the way I describe this — "buy into" — already reveals an external position.

From either of these perspectives, it seems to me that the switch is irreversible. Then the question remains: what to do about it?

There seem to be two possibilities: do nothing, letting the process progress at whichever pace it chooses, or meditate hence accelerating the process.

I chose to meditate. On one hand, I hate living in this limbo, this midway when I am neither oblivious to the problem nor have I addressed it in any way. I choose to meditate in the hope that this issue will be solved, and so that I can live the rest of my life focused on other things.

1.2 I want to have more concentration
Throughout the last few years, my ability to concentrate has changed a lot. Because of these changes, I have come to realize how valuable concentration is, as a mental resource. Life is more fun during the periods I can concentrate. I am happier and more productive during these periods. So I want to have more concentration.

I have been led to believe that meditation can help me establish reliable (even flawless) concentration, both as an on-demand skill, and as an ongoing baseline. I want this for my life, and hence I will meditate in order to find out if it is indeed possible.

1.3 I want emotional balance
Similar to the previous item. Throughout the last few years, my mood has had had great swings. I have seen the disadvantages of both depression and euphoria, and I would rather do without them. I want to live in a balanced way, that allows me to be happy but not frenetic, engaged but not obsessed, acknowledging of pain but not utterly incapacitated by it. I want to be free of energetic blockages, but not spaced out overactive.

I have been led to believe that meditation can lead me to a reliable source of happiness, both as an on-demand quick fix (as in jhana), and as an ongoing baseline of peace and joy. I want this for my life, and hence I will meditate in order to find out if it is indeed possible.

1.4 I want the psychedelic baseline
Psychedelic experiences clearly stand out as a pointer to how fascinating and engaging life can be. I don't think that living in a permanent LSD trip is neither possible nor desireable, as certain aspects of the experience are energetically too strong to be sustainable, and detrimental to executive functioning. However, other aspects of these experiences, such as the openness of mind, the fascination with experience, the brightness and beauty of perception, are really great, and would make my life much more fun, provided they can be present in a sustainable, balanced way.

I was led to believe that meditation can bring these aspects to the fore in such a way. I would like this in my life, and hence I will meditate.


2 Things I don't want
Here is a list of things I don't want.

• Becoming disengaged from or disinterested in or indifferent to the people who are currently close to me.
• Go mad, including but not limited to:
  
  • Buying into some metaphysical narrative.
  • Buying into some prophetic narrative.
  • Not being able to focus in a functional, context-dependent way.
  • Loosing interest in everything except meditation.
• Become energetically unbalanced, as in frying my nerves with excessive energy. I want to be balanced and stable as much as possible all the way.

Since you say that you expect that formulating it correctly will help in all sorts of magickal ways, I think you might want to rephrase #1.4, at least the title: "I want the psychedelic baseline". In that very paragraph you say that you actually don't want the psychedelic baseline, you just want some of the aspects of those experiences. Maybe you should think a bit more about what exactly those aspects are and then list them out as such, instead of leaving it vague as it is now.

As to #1.2, I think there's a difference between every-day, absorbed-in-a-task concentration, and the concentration that leads to jhanas and siddhis and such. I don't think the latter necessarily leads to the former. In fact, I've found that high quantities of the latter can actually hinder the former, e.g. there were times that I could readily access jhanas whenever I wanted and had a high baseline concentration level, but I found it impossible to program because I couldn't shift my attention to it. Something to think about.

As to #2.2."Buying into some metaphysical narrative", there seems to be a [potential] pitfall here in [how] you decide to label [something as] "metaphysical". Maybe you have a preconceived notion or bias as to what is metaphysical and not, which leads you to label certain things as "metaphysical narratives" and then discarding them, yet the combination of things that then remain that you don't label as metaphysical might very well be a metaphysical narrative, just one you don't recognize as such.

Hope that helps. In any case, good luck!

Cool of you to post this, thanks.

I notice there's nothing here about wanting to help others. I think a common motivation is to find release for oneself and to be able to help others find that same release later on. I think that's pretty wholesome.

Also, one motivation I often have is a desire to understand how the mind works. I've found that to be very helpful. It's hard to fix a machine when you don't know how it works. And sometimes the understanding itself is enough.

Regarding concentration, my experience has been like Claudiu's -- I haven't found meditation to help so much. Usually concentration in daily life arises when there is some strong motivation to concentrate, like interest in what I'm doing, or a deadline. On the other hand, distractions tend be cravings for sense pleasures, so maybe by reducing craving for sense pleasures or impulsivity, one will have better concentration.

I also notice that the text in section 1.1 is unclear -- what's the "event" you're referring to? You might briefly describe that.

If you want to either buy into the drama or switch it off completely, you might be missing a beautiful aspect of the middle way: being able to celebrate and use narrative joyfully and creatively, without having to suffer under its weight. Is the difference between this and being "in limbo" intrinsic or narrative dependent?

Hi Bruno,

First, thanks for your work on your own mind and what you put into action based on that.



Chris G.
I want to support this emphatically.

Chris mentioned this to me this summer--- just to make sure to give something needed to someone else before eating everyday or share. It's an amazing and simple practice, though sometimes it happens after I eat. I wrote "someone" to convey "any living being".


I know you know the following, Bruno, but I'm adding it to your post because I do think it's key and there are other readers out there and it helps when we share the obvious, not because any one of us is ignorant of the obvious.

Meditation is not going to change the reality we humans are creating/experiencing on the planet except when meditation leans on three pillars:


Morality

Concentration

Wisdom



The meditation can be part of changing my/your/our ability to take on what we've created -- the "How we act" -- and learning
"What is wholesome human conduct?",
"What is sense-restraint and why?"
"What is addiction?" (After some meditation, addiction seems pervasive, myself included : )
"What is peaceful?"

Otherwise, in ignorantly following sense-desires without awareness and study we can just make it that much harder for humanly wholesome wisdom to arise and a human will not so easily get the benefits of meditation, but rather something like temporary escapism.

I think of how hard it is to meditate when we, too, have no food or jobs and we lack health/healthy conditions.

So it's altruistic (benefits our practice) to stay closely in touch with "hardcore" practical morality movement.

Meditation and morality and wholesome intelligence/wisdom are all symbiotic and supportive. None of these can be neglected.
Anyway, it supports facing actuality well ;) (studying/education like you and several other PhDs and students here is also a form of concentration training that I think contributes to the foundation of meditation; I am personally happy that sharpened minds would turn to meditations founded in well-being)

So best wishes on your retreat!



____
There are links in there, but any reader, pick your own. It's just to underline that useful meditation does not happen without those three aspects: morality, concentration, wisdom.

I second (or third) katy and chris. That there was little about others was my first impression. A bit...theravadan... I mean, this is meant to sustain you over a long time. Where is the thinking big? Curing world peace? I was always thought that we shouldn't do meditation to become more happy, be more concentrated, be more balanced, be a better person. That the self-improvement trip was just another thing to be discarded, though these things may happen as a by product. At least that is what zen folks say. And the point of mahayana is that you as long as you acting to serve yourself you will never be at ease.

Hi SF,

I like what you wrote. Just to add my twice cents:"save the world mind" can be an expression of the hindrance of worry/aggitation. So some people-- like me-- start selfishly: just wanting mental peace, concentration and relief from worry was something of my starting point. And that works, too. The key is: sila, samadhi, panna.

Also, I met Venerable Analayo during a summer of meeting my dream-team teachers ;) Venerable Analayo exuded metta and he emphasized metta. It's one of the objects of concentration and surely a base for sati.

I'm not sure what problems you are referring to but the only way meditation will help you solve problems is to use it to face ruminations about what you don't like and then you have to take conventional action to deal with it. If there's no way to deal with it then it has to be accepted. If aversion is a problem then staying with the body (vedana) and watch the aversiveness fall away on it's own will give you the relief to take action. Hunt for things that cause aversion just so you can practice waiting for aversion to fall and then act. You do this long enough (a month or so) and new habits can be created.

Make a list of mental patterns that are repetitive that keep causing you problems. Be ready at the beginning of the day knowing that the old habit of thinking about such and such problem is likely to happen. You can interrupt it right away and get back to practice. Just being aware of how repetitive these problems are can create a healthy aversion to following the same neurological waterslide. I like Thanissaro's description (Cutting New Paths in the Mind) of a worn out habit path with no grass or trees where there is a pit with spikes at the end you keep falling into. It sounds funny like some deranged person hurting themselves over and over again but that kind of disgust can make you let go of those familiar narratives.



Insight practice reduces addictiveness which should improve your concentration. Daniel's explanation of Nirodha Samapatti as being a huge help for studying for a crazy exam shows that typical concentration blocks thoughts too much but insight allows them because if there's less addictiveness and aversion there should be less distraction. Being in a jhana reduced stress before an exam but reviewing study materials often enough so they became automatic was more important. Just relaxing the muscles and relaxing the thoughts before work and during distractions is often enough. Anything else will just eat up processing power needed for work (unless you do manual labour).



Insight practice again (especially really targeted noting) will be the key. Concentration just represses things but insight practice gets you release it but also have a different relationship to it. It's shown in brain scans that mindfulness regulates the right amygdala for emotions and metta practice can increase reactivity (in a good way). Concentration and metta should be used as a practice to stabilize you while doing the insight practice. It's like a parking lot to rest in when the vibrations get a little too much.



This is about as close as I can think to what you're talking about:

Integrated Daniel - My experiments in Actualism



To avoid the above you need to add these practices to daily life and look at it as just as important as a retreat. The retreat simply removes the typical distractions and allows focus on one task which is depth of practice, but since daily life, when you come back from the retreat, will still have distractions I think there is no better place to practice than your usual life where you are making important life altering choices.

For narratives you should just note the types of narratives that are appearing. I would also recommend looking at mind states. Thoughts and perceptions clue you into the type of mind states you're in. Without noting mind states it's easy to get off track rather quickly.

Here's a great talk, yes again from Rob Burbea, that sums it up well:

Instructions on mindfulness of mind states

If you are worried about losing interest in everything but meditation then you have to look at what interest is. Interest is paying attention to pleasant or interesting details long enough for the brain to develop interest. Dopamine is huge part of that. Curiosity about new things and developing new skills can be sources of dopamine. Doing things you are already good at and are bored of won't do it. As long as you keep including activities in your life you should be okay.

If you want to be balanced you need to relax the body and face as much as needed and sometimes doing a Shikantaza practice instead of noting will relax the tension (meaning a bare awareness without word labels). If there's too little tension then resuming noting again should reduce clinging.

To be interested in other people you don't need a metta practice as much as practicing a thought process of imagining yourself in someone else's shoes. If at work people take some time to think about what a person may be going through and imagine their frustrations and problems. It reminds me that what problems I have can be quite similar to others. When I think about another person's problems I'm not thinking about mine (key point!). As others have said before, doing things for others helps. Though I maintain that bettering yourself and making yourself more functional will mean you have more of yourself to give.

Consistent mindfulness is still the gold standard. Whenever mindfulness weakens old mental habits re-engage. Whatever meditation problems I have often have to do with something I'm not noticing until after it's happened.

The rest I've seen you mention before has to do with exercise, good sleep and diet.

Good luck on the retreat!

Intimacy and new romance brings pleasure. Pleasure makes concentration very easy. Goal achieved in the quickest most pain-free way possible. That's why people everywhere do this instead of meditating. It's faster, more reliable, more powerful and more natural.

New romance turns to love if you work at it. There's your emotional balance. Done. That's why people all over the world fall in love instead of meditating. It's faster, more reliable, more powerful and more natural.

Family and friends do not count as deep intimacy. Have you got the skill to develop a stable, lasting and truly intimate relationship? A core skill is to be able to open yourself fully to another without feeling overly exposed and vulnerable. Can you do that? If not, the relationship will lack in depth and intimacy and love won't develop so you will never feel safe or comfortable. You'll come to think of relationships as "sex + friendship".

If freedom from duality is a goal then meditation is your tool of choice. But you want to be happy and relaxed - that's different.

I know your answer: you will say "CCC, I have been in relationships and still unhappy!!" But what sort of relationship is that? A non-relationship. A useless relationship that gave you only a smidgen of what you needed. Not all relationships are equal, by any measure. Then you will say "I know people who have been married for 30 years and are unhappy". And I will say so what? They have a dead relationship too. What about those who developed real love and found that sense of safety and comfort you long for? You will say "I don't want to be dependent on someone else for my happiness". But you are human, don't forget. Humans need intimacy or they go off the rails. Don't pretend you're some sort of super-human who is above all that relationship business. You're just like everyone else and you need your self validated if you're to be happy.

Wanting to be a nicer person to be around is a big one for me.

Thank you for your replies.

I have addressed some of your concerns by changing the text. I understand the most voiced criticism that there is little in it about others. Thank you for bringing that up.

There is a reason why that happens. I have had phases during my path when I thought of and promoted it as something that would make the world a better place. Coincidentally, that was also one of the most selfish periods in my life ever, and there was a whole "us meditators saving the world" thing going on back then which was totally egocentric and self-congratulatory. The association stuck, and I am not sure I will ever be able to think of myself as "wanting to help others by meditating" without strong suspicion of narcisistic overtones.

I have heard highly accomplished practitioners say that them being at peace is also really good for others, but I am somewhat suspicious of such an assessment comming from someone who has essentially devoted their life to meditation, and has their own meaning-of-life narrative wrapped up around that. Furthermore, I have heard stories of people who, from a subjective experience of peace and innocence, or of universal love and unconditional happiness, have acted in very selfish, self-serving ways (the guruphiliac blog is a great source for these).

At best, even if I am capable of having a "helping others" mentality without my typical self-serving holier-than-them pitfalls, the idea that "me meditating will help other people" seems overly optimistic, and lacking in evidence.

My most honest assessment is that I am not doing this for others, that I am doing it for myself. Partly out of compulsion --- I have tried to stop meditating, and failed to do so --- and partly due to a sincere desire for my own well being --- as evidenced by my willingness to exercise, change my diet, keep good sleeping habbits, etc.

I will already consider it a non-trivial achievement if my parents don't get too worried about my meditation retreat, and if I remain normal and sane enough so as not to creep out my friends with my non-standard choices. From what I can gauge of their comments and concerns regarding this retreat, avoiding these things will take some care on my part. My fondest hope is that by taking whatever path I am taking, I will find personal satisfaction without hurting others in the process.

This spirit of not-hurting-others was already present in the first version of the text (it was the first item among the things I don't want to happen), but I agree that it was not emphasized enough, nor detailed enough, and that it nonetheless is an intention about which I feel very strongly. I have emphasized this more in the text below, but I will develop it even further in forthcomming revisions (especially section 3, formerly section 2, needs more detail).

Claudiu: I have changed the text according to the first two of your objections. As for the metaphysical part, I mean it in the general "highly abstract" sense (dictionary says: "(a) concerned with abstract thought or subjects, as existence, causality, or truth; (b) concerned with first principles and ultimate grounds, as being, time, or substance; (c) imaginary or fanciful." that's pretty much the conceptual cloud I was thinking of).

I suspect you may have interpreted it in the less usual "beyond the realm of the senses" meaning. What I actually mean is: I don't want to fall into narratives like "Oh, THIS is the meaning of life!" or "Oh, so we are all one with the source" or some other very-pleasurable, abstract-yet-pointless narrative. If your objection still stands, which it well might, please explain it more clearly, so that I may understand it better.

Chris: with regards to understanding myself better, I have changed the text to reflect that. Ultimately I am more concerned with understanding skillfulness; I have also updated the text to reflect this.

Claudiu and Chris: With regards to the different kinds of concentration, I have changed the text to make it clearer. Also Richard mentioned mindfulness, and I was pretty much using the word concentration in a less technical way than I should have.

What I have read about mindfulness and concentration, by people who devoted quite some time into developing them, is that practicing meditation can drastically change your baseline level of these skills, in a way that is useful for your daily life. This is what I am aiming at.

Big Nothing: Heh I would say that if you can choose not to suffer under the weight of your own narrative, then you are no longer really part of it. As if there was a play happening, where no-one but you knows he is acting, no-one but you is aware that it's all just a play. The actors who don't know it is just a play live it much more intensely than you ever possibly could. You might play along and do your lines, but you are just doing lines. To them, it is all real... as in really real, not play-along real. In other words: you can't have the cake and eat it, too.

Katy, I totally agree I think that in order to act morally, and do so effectively, you have to see and feel the pain of acting imorally. I stop pursuing any given course of action (such as a sensual pleasure) only when I see for myself the disadvantages of doing so, not sooner. To decide that something is bad before seeing it with my own eyes, that would never stick... For instance, I finally stoped smoking when I could directly feel the pain that it caused to my body; those "smoking is bad for you" adds didn't do much.

Because of this, the main goal of my retreat, I have come to realize, is to develop the ability to distinguish skillful from unskillful actions. Discernment requires concentration. So I have updated my text to reflect that. As for morality... well, I don't know about that.

sawfoot_: I understand what you are saying and that is a legitimate perspective. But not one I adhere to. I was never a fan of the zen or mahayana points of view, they always felt like empty chatter to me. For me the goal of meditation is to change my mind, to improve (hopefully) the way it works. My only goal in meditation is to become more happy, to be more concentrated, be more balanced, etc. I think that these are worthwhile goals, and they are already quite ambitious.

I am no longer part of a save-the-world movement, I burned myself with that kind of thing once already, as I explained above, and so I subscribe to katty's point of view on this matter.

Also: I don't particularly think that meditating will make me a better person --- I'm sure that will depend on who you ask But I do hope it makes my life more sane and enjoyable, while hopefully not adding too many jerk-points to my already high personal score.

Richard Thank you for the practical hints. I will consider keeping a log to note repeating patterns that get in the way of the practice. I will also resort to metta if vibratory phenomena becomes unwieldy. I will also keep in mind your pointer to "note mind states" if the chatter becomes too dominating.

Hmm... as for concentration vs mindfulness, I was not using the term concentration in a very precise sense, but I definitely should have done so. I have updated that section accordingly.

Are you claiming that concentration, in the sense of mental stillness (not in the sense of sustained mental focus on a given theme, I actually think mindfulness is the correct term for that), represses psychological stuff? That is very surprising to me. I admit that I have little experience with concentration practices, but what I have read by Thanissaro Bhikkhu says that concentration is brought about by progressive refinement of experience, which results in increased sensitivity rather than dulled sensitivity. Also Leigh Brasington said, in a cheetah house interview, that the intense stillness of concentration retreats often causes psychological material to bubble up to the surface (something I had already taken note of as a preparation to avoid going nuts).



So here it is, the updated text. New parts are in red. Again, any comments are welcome. I plan to work on the text until it is good enough to print and put on the wall. Perhaps a poem version is forthcomming, for the extra magickal juice, but I'd like to have it polished before that.


1 The goal of my retreat is to develop discernment


I want to be able to distinguish, in the most immediate and effective way possible, those actions and inclinations that bring about beneficial outcomes from those that bring about detrimental results. Distinguishing skillful from unskillful actions and inclinations: this is discernment.

I know that this ability to distinguish requires sensitivity to what is advantageous and what is not, the ability to clearly see and feel that which is important and to filter out the remaining noise. So I hope to develop concentration.

I know that concentration is the fruit of a well-established attention to what is going on, the ability to stay with experience with consistency and singleness of purpose. So I hope to develop mindfulness.

I know that mindfulness is brought about with repeated and unwavering effort, the practical knowledge of how to use my bodily and mental resources on the task at hand. So I hope to develop persistence.

I know that persistence is founded on conviction, for there is no harduous task that can be successfully accomplished without anticipating the benefit to be had in accomplishing it. And so I hope to keep in my mind, clear and well-remembered, my motives and intentions.


2 These are my Motives and Intentions


1.1 I feel that something is left unsolved.
My depression has triggered a feeling of existential angst, as if something is amiss. This was not there before. This actively taints and corrupts my well-being and joi-de-vivre, and I want to fix it.

From whichever perspective I take, it seems to me that something has changed drastically, and that the switch is irreversible. It is as if I have seen something about how the mind works, that I didn't see before. Then the question remains: what to do about it?

There seem to be two possibilities: do nothing, letting the process progress at whichever pace it chooses, or meditate hence accelerating the process. I chose to meditate. On one hand, I hate living in this limbo, this no-man's-land when I am neither oblivious to the problem nor have I addressed it in any way.

I choose to meditate in the hope that I can further understand how my mind works, and that this will help me resolve my existential angst, so that I can then live the rest of my life focused on other things.

1.2 I want to have more mindfulness and concentration
Throughout the last few years, my mindfulness --- the ability of my mind to stay with a chosen theme --- and my concentration --- the sensitivity of my mind, its ability to stay silent and unperturbed --- have varied a lot. Because of these ups and downs, I have come to realize the value of these two mental faculties. Life is more fun during the periods I can stick with what I am doing without distractions. I am happier and more productive during these periods. So I want to have more mindfulness and concentration.

These skills, for me, are not an end in themselves, but rather a particularly valuable tool which can be used for other purposes. As such, I want to develop them in a way that allows me to apply them to other activities.

I came to believe that meditation can help me establish reliable (even flawless) mindfulness and concentration, both as on-demand skills, and as an ongoing baseline. I want both of these skills for my life, and hence I will meditate in order to develop them.

1.3 I want emotional and energetic balance
Throughout the last few years, my mood has had had great swings, and my energetic system has alternated between states of great dullness and overstimulation.

I have seen the disadvantages of both depression and euphoria, and I would rather be free of both. I want to live in a balanced way, that allows me to be happy but not frenetic, engaged but not obsessed, acknowledging of pain but not utterly incapacitated by it. I want to be free of energetic blockages and conductive of nerve signals, but not electrocuted by my own energy; I want my mind to be open and free but not spaced out or distant.

I came to believe that meditation can solve my energetic imbalances, and lead me to a reliable source of happiness, both as an on-demand quick fix (as in jhana), and as an ongoing baseline of peace and balance. I want this for my life, and hence I will meditate.

1.4 I want to bring some aspects of psychedelic experiences into my daily life
Psychedelic experiences clearly stand out as a pointer to how fascinating and engaging life can be. Certain aspects of these experiences, such as the openness of mind, the fascination with experience, the brightness and beauty of perception, are really great, and would make my life much more fun, provided they can be present in a sustainable, balanced way.

I came to believe that meditation can bring these aspects to the fore in such a way. Hence I will meditate, in the hope of such realization.




3 These are the things I don't want
Here is a list of things I don't want. For each such example, I know of someone who has succumbed to it. May I be protected from these things.

• To cause grief or burden my friends and family. Including, but not limited to:
  
  • Becoming disengaged from or disinterested in or indifferent to these people.
  • Valuing my own meditative attainment more than the well-being of these people.
  • Having a mind so specialized and disconnected from common-sense view, that I can no longer participate properly in their way of life.
• Go mad, including but not limited to:
  
  • Buying into some metaphysical narrative.
  • Buying into some prophetic narrative.
  • Not being able to focus in a functional, context-dependent way.
  • Loosing interest in everything except meditation.
• Become energetically unbalanced, as in frying my nerves with excessive energy. I want to be balanced and stable as much as possible all the way, so that my retreat is as consistent and consistently successful as possible.
• I don't think that living in a permanent LSD trip is neither possible nor desireable. I would like to avoid the aspect of very-high almost-fever-like energy, as I don't consider it sustainable or beneficial, and the inconvenient loss of executive functioning, which would prevent me from doing many every-day tasks.

I'm not sure whether my objection still stands. I agree that those narratives you mention here are to be avoided, and as you say, both very-pleasurable and abstract-yet-pointless. Stuff along the lines of "everything happens for a reason", which can apply to any situation without bringing in any new information or knowledge or being falsifiable or anything like that.

That being said, I wonder if this approach might also preclude you from gathering valuable insight or information about something else which would seem to fit this same category of very-pleasurable, abstract-yet-pointless narratives, but doesn't. As in, maybe you are making a category error as a result of lack of discernment.

Let's take as an example the notion of existence. If you categorize any thought or feeling or narrative or experience that has any inkling of explaining or being related to existence in some way as "metaphysical narrative", and then avoid "buying into it", then you will end up avoiding any question of existence, and remaining agnostic about whether anything can be said about existence. Yet is that not in and of itself a metaphysical narrative - that nothing can be said about existence? Further, what if something can be said about existence, but not as part of a constructed, abstract-yet-pointless framework. It would be "metaphysical" in the sense of (a) "concerned with [...] existence", but not metaphysical in the sense of "imaginary or fanciful" or "concerned with [...] ultimate grounds, as being, time, or substance".

---

I like your new section #1 but want to bring a particular thing to your attention:


So this seems a two-part process: 1) figure out what is a beneficial outcome, and what is a detrimental result, and how to distinguish between the two. and 2) figure out which actions and inclinations lead to which, and how to distinguish between those actions. What you wrote here seems to only be concerned with #2, and seems to assume you have figured out #1 already. If you already had this in mind, maybe it's better to be explicit? If not, then maybe it's something to consider.

I am a +1 for these safeguards you have added:

- [Avoid] Becoming disengaged from or disinterested in or indifferent to these people.
- [Avoid] Valuing my own meditative attainment more than the well-being of these people.
- [Avoid] Having a mind so specialized and disconnected from common-sense view, that I can no longer participate properly in their way of life.
- [Avoid] Buying into some prophetic narrative.
- [Avoid] Not being able to focus in a functional, context-dependent way.
- [Avoid] Loosing interest in everything except meditation.

Just as a data point, I know of two people who, after practicing Zen for a few of years, received good reports from family members about how they'd changed. They heard confessions like "you used to scare me", and "it seemed like you never wanted to be around us", and were told that they changed for the better. Not that this applies to you in particular though.


A few more comments:


Sorry to question the main goal, but can't you already do this? What does this practice look like?


The above sounds very reasonable.


I don't quite understand what's going on in the last quote. "What to do about it" -- what does "it" refer to? What's the process that you're referring to?


Sounds reasonable to me.

The other parts sound reasonable too -- they are mostly phrases like, "I want X, and I've come to believe that meditation can give me X, so I will practice meditation." I can't comment much more on whether meditation will actually give you X, but it's always worth a shot.

You might consider being more specific about what technique(s) you'll practice, and how those techniques will help, since different meditations might accomplish different goals. But maybe that's for a different document.

Your "everything happens for a reason" example is an indication that you clearly understood what I meant, but I am a bit lost as to what you are pointing to... could you give an example?



What a nice distinction, thank you! It reveals that I am taking for granted the judgement of something as beneficial and detrimental. I'm happy you pointed out, but I guess that is precisely what I am doing and I think it is OK.

I guess this is OK only because I make no claims of universality. What I judge as beneficial, someone else might deem otherwise. I might sometimes judge something as beneficial, and then after some length of time, more observation, more experience, or so, change my mind and judge the same thing to be detrimental.

It is clear to me that the process by which I make such judgements is far from static, in fact it depends on many variables (such as mood, circumstances, to whom I am judging something to be beneficial/detrimental to, etc). As I don't believe in any universal set of morals, I see no way around that.

But I do notice that, by whichever means I judge something to be beneficial or detrimental, that I am very often not sure about how to bring about more of the former. Or sometimes I know about things that are bad for me, and still do them anyway because they "feel like the right thing" locally, i.e., in the immediate sense.

The smoking example is good: smoking gives me nicotine pleasure, so it feels good locally, but it also "is unhealthy" so it isn't beneficial if I take a step back and think about it. But such an intelectual approach does nothing: now I know it's unhealthy and I do it anyway. The only way I was able to stop was by increasing my sensitivity and seeing that it hurts my body, in a very immediate, local, direct way. I became more sensitive to the effect it had on my throat, and there was some pain there. Then I stopped.

I imagine that having skill, i.e., the ability to bring about desireable outcomes, is a bit like that. By having been sensitive to past outcomes, I have learned to predict, in a very immediate and direct way, whether something is beneficial or not.

The way I imagine that this learning happens, which is based on my analysis of how I learned to do or avoid certain things, is that by doing things and paying attention to their outcome, and judging the outcome as good or bad, eventually these judgements are learned in some deeper, more immediate way. You put your hand in the (metaphorical) fire, and if you are attentive enough, you learn that it hurts and only do it once. You notice that if you do sports your body feels good for the entire day, and if you are really attentive and hardwire that memory, you have a good expectation when you are pondering whether you should go to the gym or not (though I read some study somewhere saying that pleasant associations take 14 times more stimulus than painful associations, in order to become hardwired!).

So I guess that practicing discernment is mostly a matter of trying stuff out, and being really sensitive to the outcome. The assessment of beneficial / detrimental happens automatically, and the association is burned in automatically also. Concentration should give me this sensitivity.

Of course, I don't presume that I will know what is beneficial or detrimental in every possible range of experiences. I guess that during a meditation retreat, discernment applies to mental actions such as thinking or deciding something, focusing here or there, focusing in this or that way, etc; physical actions such as posture, way of breathing, etc, and the outcomes would be qualities such as pleasure and pain, well-being, mental silence and noise, level of energy, fascination, etc.

My hope is that by developing the tools required for discernment in this "sandbox" environment, I can then apply them to my life outside of meditation.



Swell I will soon work on that section a bit more.

That sounds great. Who knows? I've also heard of reports going the other way. Like I said, it probably really depends on who you ask.



Not really. The way I imagine that this learning happens, which is based on my analysis of how I learned to do or avoid certain things, is that by doing things and paying attention to their outcome, and judging the outcome as good or bad, eventually these judgements are learned in some deeper, more immediate way.

For instance, in the context of a meditation retreat, discernment applies to mental actions (such as thinking or deciding something, focusing in this spot or that spot, focusing in this or that way, etc) and physical actions (such as posture, way of breathing, etc), and the outcomes would be qualities such as pleasure and pain, well-being, mental silence and noise, level of energy, fascination, jhanic states, etc.

I want to learn what leads to what. And by learning I don't mean the ability to verbally list the actions that lead to certain results, I mean the actual knowledge of how to get there.



The existential angst, the feeling that something needs to be solved, that something is somehow "wrong" with perception. I expect it is one of the common reasons why people get into meditation.



Yes, that pattern is exactly what I wanted part of this document to be about. I think that conviction is an essential aspect of getting something done, and one purpose of this text is to establish the core reasons why I want to do the retreat.

Another pattern is "I want X because ...", and yet another is the pattern "I want to avoid Y".

I basically want to get my intentions straight, so that they are really clear in my head as I move forward with the retreat. I expect this will help me persist through whichever rough experiences may come, and not get sidetracked into time-wasting tangents.



Yes, that is still a few weeks off. Also, that part will be much more dynamic, I will probably formally collect a bunch of techniques that I know, pretty much like a "bag of tricks", and then dynamically pick from them during the retreat. I might do technique X for two weeks, then Y for one week, or suddenly interrupt and do metta for two days, etc...

Cool. Another data point, something like this helped me a great deal on my last 10-day Goenka course. At some point I started carefully observing what was going on in my mind and body, and giving it the following narrative: "I want X, so I'm doing Y, and now I'm suffering." E.g.,

I want to be happy, so I'm generating all these feelings, and now I'm suffering. Or

I want to feel good, and I don't like that, so I'm pushing it away. (And suffering.) Or

I want to feel good, so I'm generating this music in my head, and now I'm suffering. Or

I want to feel good, so I'm picking out that person's faults, and now I'm suffering.

Looking and looking, various instants came when I perceived clearly what was going on with "wisdom", and something shifted as the mind just dropped that process in one instant. Much like realizing I was holding a hot coal and immediately dropping it.

Another similar set of shifts came from looking for pleasant sensations associated with mental/emotional actions. When I saw that there was nothing truly pleasant coming from these things, again my mind dropped what it was doing. E.g., I reported a shift where 75% of the excitement and fear I was experiencing dropped away. At some point so much feeling cleared up that I could feel my physical heart pumping in my chest in a very eery way that freaked me out a bit. I became scared that I couldn't feel love.

Just thought I would throw that out there. I do think the preceding 7-8 days of meditation facilitated this though. In daily life shifts don't seem to come as much.

Hmm sure. I think you once told me that the color red can't objectively exist, because the experience of red is something that the human brain creates, so without the human brain, there can't be red. So let's say the question comes up again: does the color red objectively exist? You have a few options:

1) No, because of above (or some other) reasoning.
2) Yes, because of some other reasoning.
3) We can never know because such and such.
4) "I don't concern myself with such questions because I don't want to buy into any metaphysical narratives".

Not wanting to get into the content of the question itself, which option would you take?

It sounds like you are leaning towards #4. The potential pitfall here is that these very questions might be of direct relevance to resolving your ... well it's funny, cause you yourself call it "existential angst". So how can you resolve your existential angst without pondering questions relating to existence? This is not a play on words - in this case "existential" just means "relating to existence", in the very same way as the verb "exist" is used in the question "does the color red exist?". Are you going to sweep all these concerns under the "metaphysical narrative" umbrella ("concerned with abstract thought or subjects, as existence [...]") and avoid or simply not pursue them? If so, you may be cutting off the very approach that will lead to you resolving your aptly self-described existential angst.

I think these questions are of an entirely different category than that category of things that falls into "everything happens for a reason" - let's call it "fluff"? The category error I referred to was you putting these questions of existence into that same category of fluff, and then not pursuing either.

I think in my earlier posts I was conflating the above with the issue of you taking option #3. I was pointing out that #3 is in and of itself a narrative - the narrative that we can never know a certain class of things. I guess you'd call this a form of agnosticism. So if by "not buying into metaphysical narrative", you go the option #3 route, that would be a way of actually buying into a metaphysical narrative. But #4 is a bit different, it's just a not-investigating for some reason or other, vs. a knowing or belief that one cannot investigate.

The above is a bit confused by the issue of what we each mean by "metaphysical", but hopefully you can parse my points regardless...

I was talking about being functional and productive while in a jhana. I've gone on jogs and got into a jhana but that's about it. Doing deep thinking is allowed in insight practice because you're looking at thoughts instead of superimposing a thought about a concentration object over top other thoughts. Being in the 4th jhana while talking to people can be forgetful and strange. I can't imagine doing conceptual work in this state.

I felt the same thing before, this angst manifested as a chest pain that was unbearable, it propelled me forward, there is a day when it goes away. But that must be taken on faith.



What are you about to do is really difficult.



You will never have more concentration, mind is ever a fluxing.



Emotional balance is not possible, the emotions are ever in flux.



Not possible or good, this smacks of escapism.



In the months after the disappearance of my chest pain, and thus my existential angst and depression I experimented with actualism. I often times fried my nerves by contemplating the infinitude of the universe, it's basically a very intense altered state of consciousness.

It is possible to consummate the angst you experience and experience directly: viraga (fading away), cessation (nirodha) and peace (nibbana).

The theme that I contemplated frequently was: appamada, diligence, and exertion. I built up an intensity of energy, post-event I was unable to function and suffered from several symptoms of mania, I was a wreck. Briefly (several months after), I contemplated the theme of balance, order and equilibrium.

That's more or less gone, and so, not to sound lame: it takes adjustment.

Regards,

James

There are some things I would like to point out, the following are sound postulates:

1) There is no 'event', in the sense that there is a 'single moment', wherein your suffering will disappear. Rather it occurs in a stream, a gradation, on a gradual continuum. This is a 'sudden jump' fallacy.

But the above logical postulate will have you run into some problems if you cling to it too tightly.

2) There is no 'end', meaning that post 'event', you will still continue to function, be alive and be responsible for your actions. You will still be here. Till the end of your life span. It is thus necessary to be mindful and conscientious. This is an annihilation fallacy.

Nothing 'ends', phenomena will rise and fall.

There are some interesting delusions that are eliminated post-event, but they are quite numerous, it is not possible to name them all, but you will find that their absence is peaceful.

Are you speaking from your own experience, james?

Your question is rude.

But I will respond; yes. Both responses to Bruno were only from my personal experience.

I call bs.

Of course, I understand why you would say that.

But I have a life, and I'm not here to convince you.

-James

Congrats if you aren't lying. But if you are simply doing what you have done repeatedly in the past, they are your actions and yours alone.

Claudiu: Now I understand your concern alot better, however it doesn't seem to apply to your example. Me and you have briefly discussed the question of the ontological status of perceptions, direct vs indirect access to knowledge and self-knowledge, etc, you know what my position is on that matter, and I expect you also know the importance I attribute to it.

Essentially my attitude towards these questions is that there is no "Truth" (or "actuality", for that matter, I totally put them in the same bag). instead, there is a myriad of possible interpretations, some more consistent and encompassing of more phenomena than others, some specialized to work well within certain contexts but failing to perform on others. But all interpretations, without exception, require the user to ignore part of what's happening, while allowing him to see some other aspects in detail. To have a point of view requires one to take a stand, which means one will be wrong at least part of the time. It is also a magical act, so interpreting things in a given way has influence on the world, which in turn influences how things will be interpreted later on, and this makes everything all the more more complicated

I totally agree that this question is not at all metaphysical, although it may indeed appear that way. Funny as it might sound, I consider this particular issue extremely relevant for my day-to-day life. To give a few examples, my (deep, ingrained, non-intellectual) attitude towards this matter influences (1) my attitude towards people with whom I disagree, it influences (2) my belief in the possibility of social change, and (3) my decisions pertaining to social change, it influences (4) the way in which I assess the legitimacy of my own positions, and it influences (5) my assessment of people who claim to have some kind of universal knowledge.

And at least as far as I can see, from my own point of view, the (deep, ingrained, non-intellectual) attitudes that other people take with regards to the ontological status of their perceptions also influence these very attitudes (1-5) in them, even when it is the case that they never proferred the word "ontological" in their life ever.

But, as far as I am concerned, it is really practical stuff

This is interesting. But can you use your learned ability to keep the mind in one place, together with whatever mental silence you acquired, and apply these things to a given task. I don't mean "meditate while having a conversation", in a way, I mean, "take the conversation as your object of absorption". Is this possible?

Yes, that is exactly what I mean with discernment. You have to see, somewhere deep in your mind, what is beneficial and what is not. From a certain point of view it could be said that you only "generated music in your head", for instance, because you lacked the discernment to see that this was not beneficial. Once you acquired that discernment, you immediately stopped doing it.

It is in this deeply ingrained sense where the "distinction between skillful and unskillful actions" must happen, and this is what I mean by discernment, do you see it now?

I think that it is in this sense that ignorance is considered, in buddhism, to be the foremost cause of suffering.

I should clarify what my claim is:

I claim to have eliminated my chest pain.

I don't really have chest pain, for me is like a background noise and restlessness, always bothering me somewhere on the edge of perception, without ever manifesting itself directly. I can't see what it is exactly, but I associate all sorts of unpleasant side effects with it.

"I was never a fan of the zen or mahayana points of view, they always felt like empty chatter to me. "

Now I don't know how much you know about mahayana and zen but when I read that my assumption is that you can dismiss it in such a way because you don't understand it fully.

I am getting 2 conflicting messages about the main purpose of the retreat.

One is a seemingly very thanissaro bhikkhu-esque statement about discernment:

"The goal of my retreat is to develop discernment etc..."

And then you have angst:

"The existential angst, the feeling that something needs to be solved, that something is somehow "wrong" with perception. I expect it is one of the common reasons why people get into meditation.""

So seems like you think that the problem to be solved is that you have a problem (angst), and the solution is discernment.

My main question is, why do you think that the solution you offer is going to help with that specific problem?

With sub-questions: Do you have an end state in mind where that problem will be solved? What does that look like to you? How has the that solution worked for you so for in the past? Is this more of the same?

I am going to raise mahayana again for 2 reasons. First of all, in the way you have stated it, Zen (particularly Western Zen) is the tradition I have come across that is most directly concerned with your existential problem. The problem is not that you have a problem, instead, the problem is that you think you have a problem.

I know you said you didn't think you thought meditation would make you a better person, but it is exactly what I mean when I say "become a better person" is the idea that meditation would make you more sane, more concentrated, more enjoyable, more skilful. It is a self-improvement (or perfection) project. If you can't see that, it appears to me you aren't being honest with yourself. And again my zen hat comes on, and I think - you think you have a problem and you think the solution to that problem is "fixing yourself". If only, I could meditate more, retreat for longer, then, just then, can I make some progress in fixing myself. Now I know that this is a predominantly theravadan community, and this isn't the message people want to hear, and I don't want to put a dampener on things but I have to keep it real - don't you ever worry that your entire purpose and motivation in doing this might be fundamentally misguided?

Second, which is one reason why I raised the "other people" point, was related to my perception of the heart of the mahayana, which is the bodhisattva vow. And what stems from this is the idea that (a/the) solution to your problem is to devote your life to reducing the suffering of others. And maybe you don't cure your existential angst, maybe it never can be cured, but you gradually stop worrying about your own problems so much. So on that view, as long as your primary orientation in life is to go about fixing your own problems and tyring to be a better person, you will always have those problems, or at least, those kind of problems will always feel important.

No you can't be one-pointed and multitask in a high conceptual job. You can probably get into an absorption if you have a very very simple task. I can't imagine giving detailed instructions during this:

Guided tour of the jhanas

How are you going to do math while in these states? If it's possible I don't know how. Just relax the body and relax the distracting thoughts and continue on with your work.

Whatever, it doesn't matter what you call it.

Call it 'existential angst', 'friction', 'pain', whatever, I got rid of it completely. I no longer suffer from 'existential angst'.

Of course, you wish to distance your experience from mine, so as to not associate yourself with me. But then again your claim that your experience is merely: background noise and restlessness, doesn't make any sense. Background noise and restlessness can hardly be termed a big motivating factor or urgency that will cause you to achieve awakening.

Unfortunately I can't really help you eliminate this angst, as I myself am not sure what exactly played a factor in the elimination of mine. My best bet is that you will need to balance your faculties, often times an excess of exertion, energy or initiative (viriya) causes the practitioner a lot of restlessness and angst.

Thus slacken your energy, ever so slightly, and keep it appropriately tuned.

You will probably find that your angst will disappear.

Richard: If I understand correctly, jhanas serve to refine the mind in order to bring it into mental silence. When the mind is like that, the mental habbits that cause distractions can be seen clearly and can be changed.

My most successful moments at work happen when I am fully engrossed into the work matter. This is absorption, or, at least, is what I am pointing to when I use the word "absorption".

I am _not_ saying that it is a good idea to become absorbed into jhanas while at the same time trying to do something else, which seems to be what you are saying. Instead, I came to believe that if mindfulness and concentration are developed enough, then it becomes easier to get absorbed into activities in daily life. Does this go against your own experience?

sawfoot_: I have answered about the zen, mahayana, boddhisatva vows in private, and here I will answer the following question, because it pertains more directly to the purpose of this thread:



One of the problems is this thing I have called existential angst. Maybe that's not an appropriate name, but it started happening around the time I realized I was going to die one day, and so it seemed fitting to call it that way.



This is a really good question, thank you. I will change the text above to address that.

It has been clear since the begining that meditation can influence (often in a strong, obvious, immediate way) the various symptoms, such as restlessness, mental noise, disenchantment, anxiety, etc. Hence I have concluded, several years ago, that meditation is somehow related to the problem which I have called existential angst.

I've had various mental discourses about the nature of that relationship, but I was never able to tell for sure if these narratives were accurate or not. So nowadays I simply say: precise nature of the relationship between meditation and existential angst eludes me. Nonetheless, simply by the fact that there is a clear influence, I simpy hope for the best, i.e., that meditation will be able to address that.

This transpires adequately in my choice of words. Notice that in section 1.1, I write "I choose to meditate in the hope that (...) this will help me resolve my existential angst". If I were to write it like in the other sections 1.2, 1.3 and 1.4, I would have written "I came to believe that meditation will help me resolve my existential angst". The fact that I write it differently should let you see where I'm comming from (wish me luck ).



Hmm, I hope to attain skill in navigating the jhanas. Then I hope to attain what Daniel calls 4th path. Then I hope to attain what Thanissaro Bhikkhu calls 4th path (I am completely convinced they are different things). I will probably aim for these things in precisely this order, because they are ordered by diminishing availability of clear documentation.

In either case I think that it is a matter of discernment: I have to understand what leads to what, and then do the thing that leads to where I want to go.

I don't know how attaining these things will be like, but it is definitely different from the practice I have done in past retreats, which was basically dry vipassana.

As to whether this will be possible for me during this retreat... we will see.

Yes, I see what you're saying, but it's a bit of an odd thing -- I certainly could have told you beforehand that it wasn't beneficial. One part of my mind knew it was unbeneficial, but another part did not. What made the difference, I think, was the clear, moment-by-moment observation of the process (including feelings), supported a number of days of doing the the Goenka technique, together with comprehension.


Yes I've had a similar thought.

Yeah, that's why intelectual understanding is not enough (or even necessary, in many cases). I hope meditation delivers where it has failed.

This might also be worth contemplating on retreat.

Is there anyone or anything here that can be hurt in an ultimate sense?

An emphasis on hurt keeps your inquiry real and keeps it from being too abstract. But if even the most intimate and vulnerable things are seen to consist of a web of richly interconnected (also empty, similarly composed) causes and conditions, with no ultimate receiver, it might well alter the existential angst you talk about.

Thanks for message. My first one! Will respond later.



What, say that again...we are going to die one day? Oh shit!



When you say influence, I presume you use that choice of wording as you didn't want say "make better"? Presumably as this isn't always true (e.g. dark night).



Ok, that gives me a much better sense of what the motivation of this retreat is, and therefore I am puzzled you don't say this earlier. Is this due to a deliberate separation of explicit goals from motivations? As you mentioned "powers" earlier, I would have thought stating things like "I will obtain 4th technical path", "I will access all the immaterial jhanas" etc... are the kinds of resolutions and goals to have to make use of powers. And maybe you will want to get rid of wishy washy "hope to". You will, g'dammit!

I am presuming from everything you write that this is all very influenced right now by thinassaro bhikkhu. I have been reading "each and every breath" this week this week, and so I can see where you are coming from. I was going to add a thread about it, actually. Anyway, he is inspiring and I wouldn't mind a jhana/concentration/breath focused retreat myself. So I haven't seen where he refers to 4th path, but I am assuming that would be something like "liberation" or "total freedom" or "genuine happiness". A nice idea, but sounds like bollocks to me. Also, doesn't "total freedom" sound a bit like "actual freedom" - I mean, in terms of another avenue for trying to find a way to fix yourself...(sorry to harp on, off topic again)

No what you're saying is more like mindfulness or just plain interest which should be fine. I wouldn't use the word absorption but I think the term "Flow" from Csikszentmihalyi would work:



Having the right challenge and the right skill level leads to that feeling that time disappears quickly.

I do sometimes note when there's distractions but when I'm back to the job at hand I'm just working. No noting necessary. When I originally queried Daniel on how to be mindful during study he said to keep a little concentration in the body but the rest must be used for processing.

:-) Hi Bruno!

All the very best for your retreat.

Briefly put, my understanding (or misunderstanding) is that you are in 3rd Path, and have been feeling somewhat ’stuck’, and want to do something about it. If that sounds relevant to you, the following observations (which are based in my experience) may or not be helpful…

1. Take care of ones physical health. This applies throughout.

2. Remember that practice depends on the skandhas (which include inner activity and object-consciousness), which are, of course, non-constant, conditioned, and not-self.

3. Jhana is great; “pleasant and peaceful abidings”. But beware of using jhana as an escape from ones doubts, ‘popping it’ like a ‘happy pill’ when doubt arises. This is about the 6th and 7th fetters: rūparāga and arūparāga, ardour/fervour for jhanic states.

4. Be always willing to be a beginner; don’t fall back on admiring and coveting the commemoration-plaques above the mantelpiece:-) Face any tendency one might have toward coveting understanding and knowledge in order to ‘be a somebody with something’ for fear of being ‘a nobody with nothing’. This is about the 8th fetter: māna, conceit; in the 3rd Path, this is not a wanting to be better than someone else, just a wanting to 'be a somebody with something' (for fear of 'being a nobody with nothing').

5. If harbouring any spiritual concepts over which one has been experiencing doubts (e.g re suññatā, or self, et al), examine them. If these have been dear to one and they are found faulty, be prepared to lose what one held precious, and for concomitant deep dismay, sorrow, loss of hope of attainment, etc. Be prepared to practise humbly, just trying to do as little harm as possible. This may be a time when anguish seems prospectively unremitting.

6. Combining quiet/stillness and clear-seeing/observation, be prepared to sit goallessly, letting go of discursive thoughts but not clinging to thoughtless-ness; neither clinging to activity nor to stillness; neither grasping or dwelling on any particular aspect of body, mind or environment, nor turning away from or shutting out any particular aspect of body, mind or environment. If perceiving inner activities that seem like ‘trying to prove to oneself that one exists’, discontinue fuelling this activity. This is somewhat about the 9th fetter: uddhacca, restlessness; and also the deep basis of ones mind.

7. Stick with it…

Again, wishing you all the best (-:

Here is a beta version of the poems I wrote, and will eventually print down and probably read every day, during my retreat.

Conviction
or Why I am a seeker

I have seen the restlessness in me,
Creeping up, persistently,
As mental noise screeches inside
'Till there is nothing I can abide —
It's a mysterious, itching insanity,
And it won't leave me be!

I have seen my mind sway
Back and forth, I have no say
In how it dambles and tosses about.
As if I had wrecklessly sold out
For a dreamy, anxious fray,
My ability to play.

I have seen my heart light up in fire
Fueled by the thrill of cacophonous desire,
Only to plummet the very next day
Into a dark and miserable disarray:
Naught but ashes left in the pyre,
Naught but sorrow due to my lyre.

I have seen, also, with a sparkling eye
A precious beauty beneath the sky.
With a gaze so open and refined,
So fascinated, multicolored, bright and wide,
That there's no tedium, disinterest, or sigh,
For everything is worth the try.

Intention
or What I plan to do about it

I will meditate:
That I may be free from restlessness.
That I may be free from distraction.
That I may find health and balance.
That I may gain my sparkling eye.

Remembering my motives,
My conviction will grow strong,
And I will keep the four determinations:
I will be heedful of discernment,
I will preserve truth,
I will develop relinquishment,
And I will train for peace.

Supported in my conviction,
I will grow steadfast and persistent,
By working with the body and the mind
I will find the energy and spirit to apply myself,
And maintain myself on the path.

By maintaining myself thus,
I will learn the skill of mindfulness,
I will learn how to keep my mind within a chosen theme
So that I can fully aprehend it, and thus fully comprehend it.

Being mindful of the body, the feelings, the mental states and qualities,
I will attain great concentration,
My mind will become pliable, silent and sensitive,
It will attain great signal-to-noise ratio,
And be balanced and at ease: a pleasant abiding.

From the resulting sensitivity,
I will learn to distinguish what is skillful from what is unskillful,
Both at the mundane level of everyday bodily, mental and verbal actions,
And at the noble, refined level of the minute workings of the mind.

And due to such noble discernment,
I will act skillfully, and attain what is worthwhile,
And I won't act unskillfully, thus avoiding that which is not worthwhile.

My meditation will thus lead me to inner happiness.
And it will do so while avoiding any harm, to myself or others.

Protection
or On avoiding harm

No grief or burden will this enterprise bestow
On my dear friends and loving family,
Their well-being I won't carelessly forgo
In exchange for inner peace and harmony,
Nor will any ensuant condition or mental state
Any distance, disinterest or disconnect create.

My mind will stay well-grounded and sane
And won't be tempted by no false narrative
Be it abstract or magical, grand or mundane.
Balanced and stable, healthy and active,
Will stay my energy, nerves and brain.
Interested, functional and attentive,
Engaged in life, I will remain.

Nice, just read the first one, but the lack of flow in terms of syllable count kind of bugs me. I have to keep changing the way I read each line to make it fit. Maybe it'd be more magickal if it flowed really smoothly? Like here's my attempt at it. Note I only modified words strictly in terms of aesthetics, not in meaning, so I may have inadvertently changed some meaning you had. The "-" are where there's a 'blank' syllable, and a parenthesized first word means it starts before the first syllable of that line.

Conviction
or Why I am a seeker

I have seen a restless me,
Creeping up, persistently,
(as) mental noise screeches inside
'Till there's naught I can abide —
Strange, itching insanity,
And it won't - leave me be!

I have seen - my mind sway
Back and forth, I have no say
Left and right, tossing about
(as) if I, like a fool, sold out
For a dreamy, anxious fray,
My ability to play.

I have seen my heart on fire
Fueled by thrilled, distraught desires
Just to plummet the next day
Into gloomy disarray
Naught but ashes in the pyre,
Naught but sorrow from my lyre.

I have also, with bright eyes,
(seen) precious beauty 'neath the skies.
With a gaze so full, refined,
Scintillating, bright and wide,
(that) there's no dullness, not a sigh;
(for) everything is worth the try

For the intention one, what came to mind is this concept I heard recently, regarding self-image. The idea is that we all have an image of ourselves in our heads, and that image dictates how we subconsciously react. If you consider yourself a winner, someone who always prevails, then when you come across a setback you will simply immediately start thinking how to get around it, because you know that you always prevail. Whereas if you consider yourself a loser for whom nothing ever works out, then at the first setback you will give up because you really knew you would lose anyway and this just confirms it. The idea this guy had in this book, Psycho-Cybernetics (that's where the person who told me about it got the idea from; I haven't read the book much myself), is that you can consciously influence your self-image. One way to do this is to just think thoughts that are descriptive about yourself that reflect the new self-image, and basically get yourself to believe they are true. Because self-image is ephemeral and illusory anyway (as we know), it doesn't really matter what the reality is - you're only changing something that is insubstantial anyway.

So for example if you are a loser and you always think thoughts like "Oh of course this didn't work" and "I never win", then you'd start thinking thoughts like "I always prevail" - even if you can think of dozens of instances where you didn't - and gradually your self-image will begin to actually be that of someone who always prevails.

This seems to neatly fit in the category of Magick.

With that in mind, what about changing the tense of your Intention poem as if it were already true? Might be far more potent that way. Cause what if your poem as-written comes true? Then you will be a person who meditates and remembers his motives so that his conviction will grow strong. But that's not the same as actually having strong conviction. etc. The title might also have to be different.

---

I meditate and:
[indent] I am free from restlessness.
I am free from distraction.
I am healthy and balanced.
I have a sparkling eye.[/indent]
I remember my motives, and
[indent] my conviction is strong,
and I keep the four determinations:
[indent]I am heedful of discernment,
I preserve truth,
I relinquish,
And I am peaceful.[/indent][/indent]
Supported in my conviction,
[indent] I am steadfast and persistent,
By working with the body and the mind
I always have the energy and spirit to apply myself,
And maintain myself.[/indent]
By maintaining myself thus,
[indent] I am mindful,
and I know how to keep my mind within a chosen theme
So that I can fully apprehend it, and thus fully comprehend it.[/indent]
Being mindful of the body, the feelings, the mental states and qualities,
[indent] I have attained great concentration,
My mind is pliable, silent and sensitive,
It has great signal-to-noise ratio,
And is balanced and at ease: a pleasant abiding.[/indent]
From the resulting sensitivity,
[indent] I can distinguish what is skillful from what is unskillful,
Both at the mundane level of everyday bodily, mental and verbal actions,
And at the noble, refined level of the minute workings of the mind.[/indent]
And due to such noble discernment,
[indent] I act skillfully, and attain what is worthwhile,
And I don't act unskillfully, thus avoiding that which is not worthwhile.[/indent]
My meditation has thus led me to inner happiness.
And it has done so while avoiding any harm, to myself or others.

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And the same applies to the Protection one.

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