I wasn't sure whether to post the following description or not as I wrote it mostly to clear out some of the ghosts the experience left behind. But it does contain some practical advice and perhaps someone will find it useful.
I just returned from a 10-day retreat (which I have
written about in the Dharma Diagnostic Clinic). I had read Prisoner Greco's Reformed Slacker's Guide in the days prior and found it very motivating, so managed to be fairly disciplined even during the Dark Night stages and I think managed to punch through to Equanimity a couple times. Crucially, I applied Prisoner Greco's instruction to "meditate even when there doesn't seem to be any point" for hours at a stretch during the frustration of Dissolution and the ravages of the Dark Night. For me it was the best. Advice. Ever.
What follows is the most straightforward description I can give of what was a very unsettling but hugely rewarding experience. Remember, these are my descriptions and do not necessarily apply to anyone else, although as we all know, there's something about the progression that appears to be universal.
My experience of Dissolution on this retreat was "I can't even stay with the object for more than a single mind moment, *what's the point* of trying?" Getting past it was largely a matter of repeatedly suffering the appearance of failure, moment-by-moment, for however long it took to realise in my guts and toes that it's not actually failure, which can be either hours or minutes but always feels like centuries. At some point, this realisation finally causes me to get over myself just a little bit, and this allows traction to return with regards actual investigation of the three characterstics. Mental agony progresses into abrupt and unanticipated images of rotting, pulverised corpses -- classic Fear. I just stick with observing my reactions to the images manifest physically and find it passes easily and quickly although some can find this a difficult stage.
The stage of Disgust was quite apparent during some passes and less so during others but was based around a sense that "my" particular suffering makes everyone else look like whining little brats. Note the "my" -- it's important, as I eventually came to realise. Once this realisation crops up viscerally rather than just in an abstract way, some mental strength returns. Doesn't feel like much of a blessing as I become only too aware of physical agony and spasming muscles across my entire body, very compulsive urges to stand up, walk around, shout, scream, move do anything other than remain sitting, coupled with a sickening neural agitation that puts the 3 Chars to shame. Shinzen Young describes this as the "icky-sticky creepy-crawly it-doesn't-quite-hurt-but-I-can't-stand-it" feeling. It's like I imagine restless-legs syndrome would feel, on max and reaching into every part of your body especially your spine and skull. This I took to be Desire for Deliverance and Reobservation (I didn't notice the shift between these two, just a progression of increasing intensity). This is the Dark Night's "kick from within" as Goenka describes it. You are reaching the end of the process of surrender (although it is unlikely to feel that way), and one's ownership (or owned-ness) of suffering is such that it doesn't give up easily. During one evening walk on Day 5, I felt awareness switch ON-OFF-ON-OFF slowly and brutally five or six times. The OFFs were a respite of nothingness bookended, and somehow crucially defined by, moments of split chaos -- the ONs, like a knife to the jugular. Thankfully, having studied MCTB thoroughly by now, all of Daniel's advice for the Dark Night was in my head and was precisely what I needed at this point. I owe him a debt of gratitude for sharing it.
The wisdom of no escape. Despite the feeling that things were getting worse, that I might go mad, etc, following his advice *even though it felt like everything I did was wrong*, helped, when nothing else would, not even ending the meditation or the retreat. By simply continuing to practice, relief was obtained. Now, whether that was Equanimity or something else, is a discussion for the other post so if you're interested, get over there! : )
IMO these stages really are that obvious, both in the Dark Night and other times. If you're humming and hah-ing, saying to yourself "maybe it was this or that", chances are it was just a blip and not a real shift to the next nana. Or else it *was* a shift and the reason for your uncertainty about that is you haven't yet grokked the new nana, in which case you've reached the outer fringe of your current practice by definition, so forget the maps and just practice your arse off. At least, that's been my experience.
I hope some of this is useful to someone out there. These were my first few times through the Dark Night under retreat conditions, practising the whole time. The benefit of a retreat is that you can follow the instructions fairly mechanically and still make progress. The Dark Night sucks amazingly hard but a lot of it is about remembering the instructions and following them. And when you can't, the crucial thing is to *try* to follow them.
One thing's for certain, dukkha is for real and it's worth getting used to that.
With metta,
Jules
