| | If you've got a moment, I could really use some help with my practice...
Disappearing Breath Right now when I observe my breath it often disappears (stops, sometimes for a scary amount of time) or does acrobatics, which makes meditation challenging/frustrating. This has been going on for quite a long time (months, perhaps longer). I’m trying to improve concentration, but getting nowhere with breath as “primary object.”
Observing Emotion Often I will switch to observing the sensations of the emotional response or emotions in general as a kind of primary object (I’m an emotional sort--anger/frustration/fear and others), which I usually sense as a mass in my throat, with bits going up to my nose or down into my chest, or even stomach. There are also many energy pulses in my body that appear unrelated I can observe without trouble, spinning like wheels in the body.
"Exploding" Emotion-Related Sensation If I observe the emotion sensations consistently for just a minute or so, the mass “explodes” into releases (rapid-fire out breaths—sounds like I’m in labour), arm, leg or back jerking, and often crying or facial contortions. But then another one appears, and that goes on all day, every day (for years now!). This makes concentration really frickin’ difficult. But the new thing I have introduced since reading MCTB is noticing the Three Characteristics of each emotion/sensation. This hasn’t changed the result, (behind the sadness door, is the fear door, then the frustration door, then the “I can’t do this anymore” door—all with corresponding sensations, in an endless parade) but has provided some insights and perhaps more progress on the path.
Background: The process started with a kundalini awakening in a Goenka retreat 5 (or is it 6?) years ago, which soon led to voices, visions (dead bodies, world suffering, hell type things), intense fear (like someone was behind me about to grab me), seeing many past lives (I asked to stop seeing them since all quite violent/awful/depressing), endless crying jags of 3 or more hours (while just observing, “I” wasn’t crying), weird singing and all sorts of breathing releases, twitches, and energy movements (including sexual energy). I basically stayed home and meditated (mostly a detached observation of phenomena, as I didn’t know then about watching for the 3 characteristics) for 2-3 years, until I could begin to function somewhat (or at least pretend to) in the outside world. However, I have pretty much been a hermit and barely worked since this process began. I lost interest in TV, music, etc. as well—they felt like “noise”, irritating. The old life and values fell away too. Many past desires and drives fell away. Another weird thing is my sense of time and memory. I forget things from the past, like even last week is hazy--mostly gone. Mapping this process clearly is challenging because of this memory thing. Yet my mind is clear right now--today--it's just past events that seem to disappear. Physically, I have also gone through periods of such intense upper back and neck pain I couldn’t move, though that has greatly improved now (still there occasionally). Lots of digestion problems, now mostly improved as well. Lots of other weird health stuff, come and gone.
Now: What is left is the stopping breath thing and the constant “releases,” and these, while distracting, also seem to be forcing me to work through all my subconscious issues from this lifetime and perhaps others (once I deal with one, another comes up, and so on!). The most recent one was the illusion of romantic love, or “selfish desire”—a long-cherished illusion I thought I’d gotten rid of since it created most of my suffering in this life--built my house of cards on it. Hello Twilight! Ha. It’s almost like each segment is a course, where I will know exactly what I’m learning and why things are happening, so that even though they are horribly painful, I can stay afloat. I even get helpers, random people, books, movies and sometimes even voices in my head (which are surprisingly helpful) if I’m becoming too dark about it all (which happens more often than I’d like). This deep insight into and understanding of “selfish desire” (the in love experience) was the most challenging course yet, though I am grateful to have had Daniel’s book through it to observe the 3 characteristics in all the emotional carnage (and near derailment of my marriage and life) that it entailed. The hangover remains, however, since I now see that door doesn’t lead to happiness at all—psyche! Nowhere to go but the Dhamma now. That's the truth.
Recent Retreat Experiences Two weeks ago I did a 7-day (short as I’d had an event I couldn’t skip) northern vipassana retreat (includes a kind of body scan less intense than Goenka’s and walking meditation). The teacher (a Thai man who has taught meditation for 25 years) asked me questions about mind/body/feelings of fear and other things, and said that I was passing through a major insight stage that he has not yet experienced? He told me the Thai name, but I can’t remember it. Though I liked his honesty, it made me wonder how he could help me, even though he said he’d helped people with it before (though he started talking about people being able to do superhuman things that I can’t do, ha). Yet, I decided to trust him and found the shorter meditation cycles he gave me (walking/sitting) did seem to help slow down the train wreck. Maybe shorter, less serious meditation is the answer—that’s what he thought? He also said I should try to stop the jerking! If I just observe it closely enough it will stop, he said! I have tried and it’s like trying to stop a freight train. Just leads to build up and a more violent release. Any serious concentration with these releases feels impossible.
I had a couple major experiences at the retreat. One was a realization of self hatred (I couldn’t eat for the last 3-4 days, I would have to force myself to eat 1/3 of a tsp of rice, like someone was telling me to die, give up) and had physical symptoms of pain, diarrhea and nausea), which passed in a surprising moment on Day 7 into a beautiful 15-minute experience during walking meditation of incredible expansive love in my heart for all the beings around me, with no need of anything from them, no feeling of selfish desire whatsoever and a feeling of lightness I’ve never known before. It was not bliss—just love. I did metta for the whole world in that 15 minutes, as it felt like a gift to share! But then it left and I was back to a mix of mild self hatred plus sadness, frustration that the things I built my life on were so obviously illusions (and ones I wasn’t excited about giving up).
Where I Am on the Map (?) From reading Daniel’s maps and book, it seems to be a mix of Arising and Passing Away with many aspects of the Dark Night in various stages (is that possible?). This past year was all Fear—generalized all the time, plus nightmares of being raped/murdered, and even fear of basic objects, like a blanket. That is starting to improve, but I still have a fear of beings I can’t see (i.e. ghosts--even though I don't "feel" them there, it's just fear) at night that makes it hard to be alone—I just try to observe and send metta (luckily I’m married to a fellow meditator, but he has not experienced any such things). I do try to observe fear and note it vigorously, but it’s just too big, so I use other things instead.
Last 2 weeks have felt a lot more like Misery and Disgust and a strong Desire for Deliverance! I just am so tired of it all. I see through the illusions of life, but it feels like Death. It doesn't feel like I have much to look forward to. The only thing giving me hope is that feeling of love I experienced at the retreat—I see it’s possible. I’ve signed up for another Goenka retreat in Dec. just hoping I can break through to something healthier. I feel no interest in anything. I am observing sadness most days with occasional moments of resignation that feel like relief. I see suffering everywhere (and I have been observing suffering—of the world—for years, but now it’s like I’m being shown it on purpose—it jumps out like a movie clip as I pass people on the street). I really get that it’s all impermanent, unsatisfying and there’s no self, but this doesn’t feel good right now. Also, my behaviour is changing quite noticeably in the past couple months. I notice immediately if someone is trying to manipulate me using guilt, and I won’t indulge it and have no patience for it. Also, if someone is talking about others, gossiping or whatever, I change or end the conversation. This is happening naturally. On the flipside, I have felt deep compassion for others for years now as part of this process as well--both the abuser and the victim in situations, which confuses friends and family. I forgave my father the abuse of my childhood and helped him get on the path of insight meditation and self inquiry to free himself of his own painful conditioning. Other family members don't understand this. It's a lonely path that way. And it seems to be getting lonelier and the choices tougher. I took the Redpill and there's no turning back now.
Interesting note: I have never experienced bliss! Not once. I’ve experienced meditation states that felt like equanimity and peace with light, but no wondrous expanding consciousness or bliss. I have had odd things happen, like being able to ask trees/plants questions and get an answer (Q: Do you feel anything? A: Alive.). And my intuition has grown leaps and bounds. Also, I can now understand spiritual texts that used to read like gobbledygood. Very into Krishnamurti right now and find it amazing I can follow it clearly. But that's just the Arising/passing level anyway, right?
My Intention/Goal I have kept as my clear intention at all times to free myself of selfish desire/violence and ignorance, to see the truth for the benefit of all beings, and for my heart to overflow with love and joy to share with others, but also for this to happen in such a way that I never get lost down any dangerous side roads (maybe that’s why no bliss?). I always ask for help in my intention to keep me on the most gentle yet efficient path. That was what saved me from the worst of the kundalini stuff, by the way (in case anyone's having trouble with that old girl). I asked for it to stay only with what was useful for me to go forward, without the fringe benefits (voices whispering my name in my ear for example—creepy!). After doing that for a while, all the really weird stuff stopped.
Can You Help? Sorry, I did go on, I know. I could really use some advice on the practice—I'm a pure vipassana girl, not much into playing with or manipulating energy--doesn't feel safe with all this energy coursing through my body to play with it--is there anything using concentration or insight that I’m not doing that I could try in this stage to deal better? Maybe a different concentration exercise like the candle thing--to try to experience jhanas for a little joy/balance? God, I could use some joy! I've never tried any of that. Just insight stuff. Or do I just keep slogging with insight--be hardcore!! Get it done!--and hope equanimity is coming up soon? Or just make peace with feeling lost all the time as part of being human? Ha.
I need to find a way to focus/be function so I can do some work--like the kind that makes money. There are some practical issues on this plane that need to be dealt with, like our mortgage, ha.
Future Retreats There's the Goenka retreat in Dec and if that doesn't do it, I may do another Northern Vipassana (the full 13 days this time) in Feb. I'm limited to retreats around toronto that are pay what you can. I would just like to feel interested in this world and enjoy simple things again. I'm not looking for bliss. Equanimity would be very welcome.
Anyone past this stage that can help? Even a few words of encouragement would be helpful today. Thanks for taking the time to read this, if you've gotten this far!
Best, Shawn |