Mikey’s Practice Log - Discussion
Like many here I have the tendency to be pretty verbose, but I’ll keep it short(er than I would).
I don’t practice regularly, but when I read Daniel’s book 7 years ago or so, it felt like I was looking for that book my entire life. I then went on two 1 month long retreats, but found them incredibly difficult. It was difficult to maintain focus, to sit, and I frustratingly didn’t achieve anything in terms of the maps. Other than strong bodily vibrations, bright lights and the like, the only real experience of note was about 5 hours of effortless presence. I felt very in my body, and was aware of every verbal thought before they happened and was paying close attention to every movement with a low consistent effort. I happily reflect upon that as the best day of my life.
Other than that day it was a lengthy battle. So on retreat I was reading the longer book by Mahasi, and eventually he began describing hell. That scared me and affected my focus a lot, and it affects my world view even today. Pa Auk’s book on karma was similarly impactful, realizing that almost everything conventional humans experience garners negative karma.
Several core aspects of this practice fit the way I was since I was a child. Whenever I made a wish, at birthdays or with dandelions, I’d always wish for happiness to all beings. And a concept I realized early on was that there were abstractions that were chaining me and those around me. I remember writing notes about it long before I discovered this community and that book. I remember thinking that people can truly become successful by ridding themselves of these boundaries. Later I found that this was solidity as some describe it.
So when a practice that feels so fitting and close to me is invented by a lineage that *also* described the presence of hell very literally, and the workings of karma as they are, it really scared me and severely affected my practice and attitude towards living.
Before those retreats, I had much less to my life. Now I have a great job, a lot of freedom, a rewarding hobby, good health, and many loving friends. However with the advent of these positives also came a massively increased desperate clinging to life. As JK put it, “with pleasure comes fear” and I feel that now more than ever. And now that I recently met my girlfriend and have an intense and stable relationship with her, this kind of anxiety has absolutely skyrocketed. I’m not just living for myself anymore. I can’t imagine what having kids would do to me in this state, the sense of attachment must be unbearable.
Lastly, it’s clear AI is going to make a meteoric impact on our world. Of the many outcomes, I believe global enlightenment is a possibility. I can feel that I desperately want to make it to this singularity.
These things are all just fear of death. Because I don’t want to go through hell I fear death. Because I want to see AI’s fruition I fear death. Because I love my life and girlfriend I fear death. Despite having the life I dreamed of and more, I’ve become a nervous death-fearing mess. Even as I write this, my neurotic mind tells me to not jinx it by writing, and to not jinx it by writing about jinxing it. It’s gotten to a point where I clearly need to make a well-defined change. I have the pillars of a healthy life. I have a very good conceptual understanding of the practice and the path. I just have to suck it up and do it regardless of how poor I’ve become at it.
I commit to doing 1 hour of meditation per day indefinitely with no exceptions. That includes posting to this practice log daily. I’ll also put some light effort into noting of daily life whenever I gain in awareness. If anyone has any advice, encouragement, or words to help me add weight to this commitment, I would appreciate it
I’m happy I got that off my chest. Sending love to everyone.
I don’t practice regularly, but when I read Daniel’s book 7 years ago or so, it felt like I was looking for that book my entire life. I then went on two 1 month long retreats, but found them incredibly difficult. It was difficult to maintain focus, to sit, and I frustratingly didn’t achieve anything in terms of the maps. Other than strong bodily vibrations, bright lights and the like, the only real experience of note was about 5 hours of effortless presence. I felt very in my body, and was aware of every verbal thought before they happened and was paying close attention to every movement with a low consistent effort. I happily reflect upon that as the best day of my life.
Other than that day it was a lengthy battle. So on retreat I was reading the longer book by Mahasi, and eventually he began describing hell. That scared me and affected my focus a lot, and it affects my world view even today. Pa Auk’s book on karma was similarly impactful, realizing that almost everything conventional humans experience garners negative karma.
Several core aspects of this practice fit the way I was since I was a child. Whenever I made a wish, at birthdays or with dandelions, I’d always wish for happiness to all beings. And a concept I realized early on was that there were abstractions that were chaining me and those around me. I remember writing notes about it long before I discovered this community and that book. I remember thinking that people can truly become successful by ridding themselves of these boundaries. Later I found that this was solidity as some describe it.
So when a practice that feels so fitting and close to me is invented by a lineage that *also* described the presence of hell very literally, and the workings of karma as they are, it really scared me and severely affected my practice and attitude towards living.
Before those retreats, I had much less to my life. Now I have a great job, a lot of freedom, a rewarding hobby, good health, and many loving friends. However with the advent of these positives also came a massively increased desperate clinging to life. As JK put it, “with pleasure comes fear” and I feel that now more than ever. And now that I recently met my girlfriend and have an intense and stable relationship with her, this kind of anxiety has absolutely skyrocketed. I’m not just living for myself anymore. I can’t imagine what having kids would do to me in this state, the sense of attachment must be unbearable.
Lastly, it’s clear AI is going to make a meteoric impact on our world. Of the many outcomes, I believe global enlightenment is a possibility. I can feel that I desperately want to make it to this singularity.
These things are all just fear of death. Because I don’t want to go through hell I fear death. Because I want to see AI’s fruition I fear death. Because I love my life and girlfriend I fear death. Despite having the life I dreamed of and more, I’ve become a nervous death-fearing mess. Even as I write this, my neurotic mind tells me to not jinx it by writing, and to not jinx it by writing about jinxing it. It’s gotten to a point where I clearly need to make a well-defined change. I have the pillars of a healthy life. I have a very good conceptual understanding of the practice and the path. I just have to suck it up and do it regardless of how poor I’ve become at it.
I commit to doing 1 hour of meditation per day indefinitely with no exceptions. That includes posting to this practice log daily. I’ll also put some light effort into noting of daily life whenever I gain in awareness. If anyone has any advice, encouragement, or words to help me add weight to this commitment, I would appreciate it
I’m happy I got that off my chest. Sending love to everyone.
A month long retreat is a very intense thing -- glad you got through them okay!
Mikey, sounds like you have a strong sense of spiritual urgency (Saṃvega - Encyclopedia of Buddhism)!
Just wanted to say -- the trick is to wisely use that energy, not let it fade away, but also not let it burn you. The two classic ways that things fall apart is people become too selfishly ambitious (spiritual pride)... or they become too unselfishly ambitious (spiritual martydom). Remember that buddhism is the middle path beyond the extremes. Ironically, the more gentle you are with yourself, the better your progress.
Since you are using the word fear a lot, it's probably worth me linking to this: 6. Fear – MCTB.org
Best wishes for your practice. Hopefully it will lead you to a fuller appreciation of your self and your life!
Mikey, sounds like you have a strong sense of spiritual urgency (Saṃvega - Encyclopedia of Buddhism)!
Just wanted to say -- the trick is to wisely use that energy, not let it fade away, but also not let it burn you. The two classic ways that things fall apart is people become too selfishly ambitious (spiritual pride)... or they become too unselfishly ambitious (spiritual martydom). Remember that buddhism is the middle path beyond the extremes. Ironically, the more gentle you are with yourself, the better your progress.
Since you are using the word fear a lot, it's probably worth me linking to this: 6. Fear – MCTB.org
Best wishes for your practice. Hopefully it will lead you to a fuller appreciation of your self and your life!
Hey shargrol, thank you very much for your kind words. I do remember my main struggle on retreat was finding a balance of acceptance and direction. It’s so easy to fall within the two extremes, but I’ll continue trying to be gentle.
Thank you for the links! I don’t expect that I’m in the fear stage, but the tips in there are still helpful.
Dreams feel relevant to practice. This kind of situation doesn’t happen very often but last night I had a nightmare that I was paddling my surfboard dodging sharks and then suddenly had an infection where my face was swollen and coral was coming out of my skin. Then I woke up and had sleep paralysis. It’s always hard to be mindful during those moments — I usually end up playing some calming music to set a lighter mood so I can fall asleep without going back into the same dream.
I did 3x20min yesterday. One session had pretty good awareness with many things going on during a train ride. Other than that nothing of note. It feels great to be in this commitment
Thank you for the links! I don’t expect that I’m in the fear stage, but the tips in there are still helpful.
Dreams feel relevant to practice. This kind of situation doesn’t happen very often but last night I had a nightmare that I was paddling my surfboard dodging sharks and then suddenly had an infection where my face was swollen and coral was coming out of my skin. Then I woke up and had sleep paralysis. It’s always hard to be mindful during those moments — I usually end up playing some calming music to set a lighter mood so I can fall asleep without going back into the same dream.
I did 3x20min yesterday. One session had pretty good awareness with many things going on during a train ride. Other than that nothing of note. It feels great to be in this commitment