Greetings DHOers. It is I, finding-oneself. My third log got too long.
In 2021, I had turned 30, and I had rebooted practice, after having an A&P in 2011, discovering MCTB within months, two meditation retreats in 2014/2015. A Buddhist University. A brother overdosing, and a first real-world job. [2011 to 2020 is phase 1]. Now for the cliff notes version of my practice, phase 2:

          When I restarted practice I found new insights, those first few weeks. And went deeper than before somehow. Later in 2021/22 I discovered TMI, and it had helped. I took a 4 month break from practice, in 22' I think, and had fell of the wagon. I got back on. And in October of 2023, I had began a new chapter of meditation. Ever since then my concentration and motivation has been better. I've also read the book, Advanced Magic For Begginers, and had an insane synchonicity about it on leap year day. And later I had the wost/best/most insane day of my work career during the 99% Eclipse in the great lakes region of the U.S... Both experiences were utterly synchonistic and mystical. The eclipse day was my divine trial by fire. It was insane. It's written on my former log in light detail. From the book, Advanced Magic, I had learned to keep up a systemic practice in working with my Holy Gaurdian Angel... And in general I'm closer to having a more balanced, full repatoir, of meditation skills and axis developed, that I've ever had. I may have been close to "tipping into stream entry" before, but I'm not sure. Yet, these days, I'm way better off, having these well rounded, full-spectrum skills.

A couple weeks ago, I had transfered roles, and work-sites. I work a new job with the same pervious skills, plus new responsibilities, and weird days and hours. I work four 10 hour work days "a week". But it works out to Week A: Work 6 days, with one day off. And Week B: Work 2 days, with FIVE days off! Wow...

I'm writing from the short week... It's crazy.  I feel an entirely new chapter of my life developing... It's also 1000% less stressful. Once I learn the new stuff, and get settled in, I can do a lot more attentional training, type stuff, more regularly at work. It helps with the defilments...

As of the end of 2023, I had roughy 1800 hours of practice. With a five year break after about 2016, somewhere in there... This calendar year I have 130 hours logged on the app... as of today July 22nd. I have 6 hours logged since starting my new job, on July 8th. 

I'm going to enter the stream.
I do want to try to focus mostly on the phenomenology, because I have the most to gain from that. Wish me luck. I can/will do it. IDK when. But I'm fully comitted.

Wishing you consistent, daily, non-heroic practice of the basics and good luck!

Yep. Back to basics

​​​​​​​Thanks

To start the log, I did a 1hr6m sit today. And then I did a waltz on the lawn. Waltzin around... (walking meditation).

Also I got my apartment super clean. Which helps with feeling ok. And helps me stay present and not tune out.

Also there have been times where it gets extremely trippy. What I mean is getting into that really weird state/stage when I'm walking about. And around people. I won't short change myself. I didn't enter the stream yet. I know. But this is more just direct experience. The fruit of my previous work. And a successful practice of the thing where you "pretend" to be enlightened, as a heartfelt exercise.

But like, at work the other day, when I was being trained. I deliberately shifted my mind to 4th vipassana jhana style perception and it was SOOooOo inappropriate for training. I couldn't even understand what my instructor was saying. I kept getting confused and trailed off... but that's ok. I simply switched to normal perception. Even though the former felt cooler. The point is, its more and more possible for me to do this anywhere. I can't wait to see how this all plays out. I can't imagine true creative-agencyless flow. That sounds so fun.

Today, at the gym... I don't know how to describe it. It starts with the witness state. And going from there. And being headless. And automatic. It's like the room and people are inside you. It's weird. But there is a key thread here. The subtle art of "not giving a fuck", to rip off a book title. (I've never read). Because I get social anxiety, I have to let go and be really trusting to the universe to let myself do this in public. And ironically when I do it, it's a temporary cure for social anxiety or phobia. I want to emphasize that I had done this effortlessly, and a good amount of time at the gym. I would do it walking around. And when I got to a machine to sit there, I'd switch to just feeling the body.

I get 2 day work weeks. It's a much more humane division of my time. ♡ Between that and the reduced stress, I'm so much better off. I could cry...

I've also learned how my sub-minds work. Different parts of me. If I get upset about sitting or the path, somehow part of me is able to orchestrate them, and remind them all that we are better off. And they believe this voice. It's like a conductor. I believe it, because it's true. And I know it for sure. 

What I know, is that basic practice, and practice done well, is really good for me. It is the most sane thing I could be doing possible. All my sub minds know this. And can be reminded. And gently coaxed to just enjoy the sit. And if not, it means it's possibly time to be done. Depending.  

The last thing, I met an older retired lady yesterday who is a saint. And she spends all her hours helping people. And she came in to donate a 2 hour procedure to help cancer patients. Her first time there. A lot of people donate that. But it was all the other stuff too. I don't think I've ever met someone like that ever, that I'm aware of. She told me she already volunteered 4 hours before she got there. And will be doing so after. Helping different people. One was a middle aged lady who got into an accident and needs help with basic tasks. And her family needs help to. Very humbling.

I hate looking at people's faces and my social anxiety was kicking in. But I just kept beholding her face as she talked. Holding her face. Opening up. Letting the alive visage of this beautiful human, animate my conscious experience.

I thought that encounter was kind of fitting, considering the above descriptions.

♤♤♤Phenomenology and Insights♤♤♤

●Since my last log I've found some new insights. When Daniel, Michael Taft and/or Shinzen indicate that it's a good thing when you get to a point in your sit where you don't know what to do. Because there is nothing you can do (to land SE). It means you're doing it right. Just sit.

So now when I notice I get to that point, I relax instead of being confused or "gaming" (trying to figure out what to do). I just sit. Whatever that means. Just keep trying.

●And the other insight was some kind of understanding in the ball park, or related to "neti neti"... (Disclaimer I've only heard people talk about it. I never studied it)

Here's the experience:

I just kept noting. It was a more thorough and vigorous noting session. And I had this weird realization that, each object or thing that kept being brought into perception wasn't it. It was a very visceral and direct intuition into negation.

I don't understand it right now. And can't put it into words. But I know it when I see it. And I'll probably see it again, under similar circumstances. C:

I wonder if it's more of a 1st vipassana jhana style insight of the "not knowing what to do" insight. Like the entire field is neti-neti, as opposed to all the little notes. I don't know but that's ok. Just a little exploration here.

Good stuff.

I always liked "straight ahead", because the only thing you can "do" is "this"... and there seems to be a "riding the wave" kind of feel to it.

Another good motivational section from Practical Insight Meditation:

In spite of such fluctuation in his progress the meditator must not allow himself to be overcome by disappointment or despair, he is now, as it were, at the threshold of the path and fruit. As soon as the five faculties of faith, energy, mindfulness, concentration, and wisdom are developed in an even manner, he will soon reach the path and fruit and realize Nibbana

How Nibbana is Realized

Path Knowledge

The ups and downs of insight knowledge occurring in the aforesaid manner are comparable to a bird let loose from a sea-going ship. In ancient times the captain of a sea-going ship, finding it difficult to know whether the ship was approaching land, released abird that he had taken with him. The bird flew In all four directions to look for the shore. Whenever it could not find any land, it came back to the ship. So long as insight knowledge Is not matureenough to grow into path and fruition knowledge and thereby attain to the realization of Nibbana, it becomes lax and retarded, just as the bird returns to the ship. When the bird sees land, it flies on in that direction without returning to the ship. Similarly, when insight knowledge is mature, having become keen, strong, and ludid, it will understand one of the formations at one of the six sense doors as being impermanent or painful or without self. That act of noticing any one characteristic out of the three, which has a higher degree of lucidity and strength in its perfect understanding, becomes faster, and manifests Itself three or four timesin rapid succession. Immediately after the last consciousness in this series of accelerated noticing has ceased, path and fruition {magga phala) arises realizing Nibbana, the cessation of all formations

"riding the wave" Yes, yes. That one short phrase makes a lot of sense. It can be a tiny reminder when I'm working with this. It's so gentle and subtle that even me starting to talk about it, I have a tendency of just thinking that I don't need to over think it.

The importsnt thing here is its tucked away in the back of my mind now.

And those Mahasi paragraphs are very good. I read that two weeks ago. On my last day of my old job. Matter of fact. But at the time it didn't hit the same.

I even noticed when I started reading it just now, that I started getting both nervous and excited. So I just deeply felt it. Slowed down. And read each sentence slowly while feeling my bodies response to it. Which was successful.

As for the ship/bird thing, it's a good metaphor. And I love birds. Like really. So I think I can tap into that to do free-metta.

A metaphor on this phase where I can't actually do much. Just ride the wave. Gentle effort. Straight ahead. With my bird companion lol 

♤♤♤ - This is an overall insight gleaned from this week specifically. But retroactively also. Going back to all of practice. I have learned to balance faith and wisdom ♤♤♤


So I had reread the chapter on the five spiritual faculties. Specifically faith and wisdom. I was pointed back there as prompted by Mahasi's chapter on equanimtiy after Shargol shared it here.

At first the chapter wasn't clear about faith and wisdom. But what had hit me, is that it said obsession with maps is an imbalance of wisdom. And a lack of faith. This had "activated" faith, as a faculty of mind. :0

I had took it with me. But I just remember sitting on my work-break, on a rock, looking at the forrest. And I had remembered/thought that "this is faith". Part of my obsession with maps is an innocent fun. But another part, looks like a lustful bird-like clawed talon grasping it, with clenched furrowed eyes, and drool coming out my beak. But when the faculty of faith is active, I may release that. I just remeber just looking at the entire visual field thinking, "this is it". This is the territory. The map is the map. What I want out of the map isn't it. What I want out of the map is this. And so, this, is just as good as, and satisfying as the map. If I can love, and nerd out on the map. I can do the same for the actual thing. This is the path of devotion. Love of the process, and love of God.

God, to me, is just the self, and world, and beings. And it is alive, all the way down, including atoms, and space. And eveyrthing.  So when I'm just sitting there on a rock, I am sitting. I am rock. The rock is cold and hard sensation (also the the apparent love, reverance, etc, I feel toward the rock arise). And when I'm looking at the Forrest and sky, I am forresting. The forrest and sky, and visual field, and body, is all there is. As are the thoughts that arise.  It is god. And it is the map. It is the progress of insight itself.

​​​​​​​ To be clear, I know intellectually the POI is an intellectual construct and map. But when I say that direct-experience, is the POI itself. What I mean is the psychological exercise of transferring that love and obsession with the map, onto the actual qualia themselves. This is a hack. And it's so similar to what I said about God. Functionally, in the moment, there is no difference between God and my direct-senstae universe. Therefore no difference from the thing that will lead me to the experience of conformity, cecassion, and fruition! This also is directly related to internal family systems, which is part 2 of this post soon...

So let me get back down to brass tax. What had happened here was I found an actual way to recalibrate faith and wisdom. All this time I've been trying to "fake it till I make it" with Angelo Dilullo's media. I'd get tastes of it. Angelo helped with the overall psychological gestalt of what my life would look like, if I could drop the maps for a moment and just completely give myself over to this. Later Loch Kelly gave me insanely effective techniques for how to very profoundly and quickly experience glimpses of non-conceptual awareness regularly, and with more duration. (Meaning for seconds. Which add up to 1 to 3 minutes per day perhaps.)

But all it took was going back to my roots and carefully reading what faith and wisdom are. All of the former was like a pile of kindling, and that chapter was the spark. This is one of those things. It's like a soft lesson. To learn what it's trying to teach me, I need to learn to apply less energy. I need to relax. And let the natural mindfulness, investigation and energy, show themselves. Like the analogy of a still forrest pool from Achan Cha I think...

♧♧♧ And one more major lesson here ♧♧♧

It's the internal family systems. Or multiple parts. Or all of my sub-minds, or sub-angents.

This was the only reason I was able to learn the first lesson (♤) as I did. For example, I can say to myself: "it's ok guys just chill". And sometimes I do. But it can also be in a grand-knowing inner-voice. That simply knows, and all the other parts just relax. It feels like they are all have different agendas, but they can app be shown and conducted that I'm on the right path. And that they'll all get what they want, if we lead this life.

And lastly this all goes without saying that I am being lead by something. My holy guaridan angel, or a choir of angels, or entities, God. Something. I have faith that this will lead me where it is of the most optimal help, for myself and others. (or whatever phrasing of meaning you choose). I write in my book almost daily a message about my HGA, stream entry, or leading a good life. It's a basic and wholesome exercise. It ensures that I'm at least trying my best, working with the universe. Otherwise it's strictly unconscious. It's my job to bare-minnimum, recruit the conscuous mind too.

As I sit, it feels like my holy gaurdian angel had lead me to internal-family-systems. I didn't even read about it. I picked up on it over the years/weeks, and it clicked. It just feels like I was lead there. So, going full circle, this give me even more faith, that I can do this. 

In Summary, I have learned to have faith & wisdom ♤ and I have also learned to work with the multiple parts of my self ♧

Nice insight!

EDIT: I posted this next comment before Alex went back and edited the format of his post, making my comment moot:

Pffhahahahaha!!!

Sorry. I edited it and didn't realize it smooshed my paragraphs together.

This is it. It's not a hack it's just actually the practice. 

Periods of blistering insight are also impermanent. 

Working with this means trying to be with reality as it is. This is difficult as there's always some captivating layer of mind leading us out and away from this. Even when we gain insight there's often a layer of mind that thinks it's understood something. The joy of this style of practice is that none of that really matters. The only thing that matters is this. What does this feel, sound, smell like? What is distracting you from this? What does that feel, look like? Where there is distraction is there tension? Where there is tension can there be relaxation? How does seeing our experience as impermanent, dissatisfactory and not self influence our overall relaxation? 

Deep purpose arises naturally often in ways that are unfathomable to the grasping mind. The self might think "oh today I should gamble, chase tail, eat burgers" but purpose always knows "the only thing we're going to do today is hit the gym and eat good food" 

Purpose operates at the level of heart intuition not intellectual decision. You can feel it. Somedays easier than others. 

​​​​​​​Eat well, meditate deeply and don't expend too much of your precious vital essences... Take it from someone who studied tantra for many years, these are the keys to a purposeful life. 

☆☆☆Meditation sit and trip report from a few days ago. A small dose of 5-meo-DMT. I have a formulation that is weaker than the last one, but longer lasting. So it sneaks up on you.I won't explain the whole trip. But these days when I do my light dose psychedelics I usually get slight hot water. This time was no exception. I was forced to sit.

So at first I had just basked in the light behind the eye lids. And I also just chilled in space, as self. Or maybe non-self... but it only went so far. I felt a coagulated sense of self inside the head. It was scrunched up. It was unpleasant. And it felt like stuff was buzzing around it. So instead, and eventually, I reluctantly just observed it as any other object. Like a foot or something. And the entire body relaxed around it. And I felt a unity of sensations amongst the body.

It wasn't "dissolved" away into non-existance. It just became of equal significance as any other sensation in the body. There was a bit of a trick to it, too at the time. The right finesse of do-nothing mixed with honest equanimtiy.

That was a simple and elegant post that was profound to me to read at this time. 

It really does get back down to basic. Just feeling my body walkin' around and stuff. It's insane to me, that that works.

Mind you it's way easier these days to be able to concentrate on my body in public, or alone, and in general. But that actually makes it more insane, because it's the same body sensations it's always been. I've just trained my nervous system in enteroception, I believe it can be called. So I just notice it more.

I like the story of a mentally impaired man during the buddha's time, who got enlightened by petting a rock. And just feeling the petting sensations.

By the way I really liked the usage of the word "purpose". A simple yet profound word. May purpose guide me.

So I just wanted to make a very general post about what's been going on lately.

For instance today I did a 70 minute sit... I felt it out and did zero noting to start. And almost zero effort. I had built in that it's ok to go dull sometimes. So long as I have mindfulness afterwards that it had happened. At which point I'm not dull anymore. Or at least, I have basic awareness of it. Same goes for being lost in thought... 

The name of the game is putting on the breaks, instead of the gas...

Um. I do feel like I got to equanimtiy, and compared to the "harder" equanimity, it was lighter. I almost wonder if this is ñanas, v jhanas. I'm going off intuition here from reading...

The main thing is my goal was to just sit in a reasonable amount of peace and equanimty. See my problem is that I go through what seems like hormonal swings or 'purifications'. But what I'm getting at is a meta-technique I've been implementing. See, it's possible to feel the pleasant sensations and neutral sensations at the same time. Even though the painful ones demand attention...

I know it sounds like I'm ignoring them, and I kind of am. But I'm no stranger to just sitting in pain and watching it morph into the equanimity ñana and jhana totally. But IMHO this is something different. It is much more resistant to that. And in order to do the wisest thing and recruit the most wholesome and heartful actions, I've decided to employ this different technique when I experience these overt painful sensations that are equanimity resistant...

Its just different tools for different situations. It has been helping a lot. And I'm able to fall asleep quicker when I feel pain.

So overall the technique is paying attention to subtle pleasant sensations, along side the more overt painful ones. I got this technique from Loch Kelly. Shamatha maybe? Idk. But it works.

And more on just feeling the body: today at the gym I had done this walking around. I was feeling those unpleasant sensations ON TOP OF social anxiety. So instead of pushing any of it away, go detuning from the room, I just very honestly felt the body, including the painful sensations, and the aversion. I would love to do this at work more, to help the people I work with... 

And one last thing is that I've been sleeping way better. Especially on work nights. There were two days I was mildly sleep deprived on my days off and I was pissed about it somewhat. But I've been learning to make the best of it. I just did walking meditation or mindfulness at the gym. 

I'm doing OK lately.

I have my long week coming up. But I looked at my schedule and there are TWO 4 day weekends, in the next month, without taking any days off. I'm very blessed at the moment. And my work place now is so ripe with training in morality (and appropriate for basic insight practice).

I'm almost internally l tearing up a bit writing that. And I take it for granted but the eyes on my meditation log, and the basic pointers from people, is invaluable. I think Daniel said that these times are kind of like Nalanda University back in the day. I just want to check in with that gratitude occasionally

A little suggestion. Try experimenting with forgetting about the POI. When you have thoughts about it or want to characterize your experience through that lens, you can just see that those thoughts are impermanent, dissatisfactory and not self and this can let them go. I think a little bit of this might be good for you right now. 

​​​​​​​Primarily the POI is known through THIS moment. Not through intellect. 

Yeah thank you. I think you're right. I'm ripe for this sort of thing. 

I've been keeping in mind that any thoughts of the POI, must be noticed.

When I have a single thought, ot start thinking along those lines I just notice it. Note it possibly or other sensations around it. 

And just feel the body. Very easily feel the body. I notice when I just feel the body, other stuff follows after.

I've had a lot of experience with noticing how easy and simple, feeling the body is. But I had realized how much it helps with the problem of "trying" to shift to certain states or perceptual modes. For instance I sometimes try to attenuate stress at work. Sometimes I try to get into a state where I don't "care" about stuff. Like a morality thing, where I cease caring about what other people think. Because I already know I'm a good person. Other times I try to get into a more dissociated no-self state. And other times get into a flow state. Other times none of this is possible and that's ok. But I also sometimes I notice myself grasping for states and failing to find them.

But I had noticed that, today, when I simply shifted to feeling my body. The grasping stopped, and I was automatically in a flow state. It was as if the "trying" was just more thinking, an extra process added on top. Whereas simply feeling the body, halted this thinking. And just feeling the body was enough of a perceptual shift, that it automatically made me into a flow state. Because now my attention was firmly placed on the body, no attention (or less) placed on moving the body consciously. Because my attention was firmly placed on the body, it apparently was enough of a shift that I (it) remebered that it can move on its own in flow.

Edit: above I had framed it as "the problem" of trying to shift to other states. But that's the thing. There is no problem.  Just this. Just the body how it feels and is, right now.

Very similar to Loch Kellys mahamudra question "what is there if there is no problem to solve".

Except I don't even say it. I just feel the body. And the somatic sensorium is supposed to be what it is. And its fine

​​​​​​​If I were in some hypothetical situation of massive cosmic import, where I am on my death bed, in this moment dying, in which I could only give one word  to communicate the whole of the dharma it would be this...

Feel. 

Haha Yes

Got some good news about work. Finished training. So fun. Not stressful. Awesome coworkers.

Incomprehensible platelet donors. They go to cancer patients. I'm struggle to grasp the gravity of it.

This forces me to have a more open heart. And forces me to do Loch Kelly-esque techniques to deal with people an empathetic-mergey type, a subtle body type, "energy" type. It's very vulnerable and intimate. It's the most "nurse-like" job I've had. Much more intimate than the mobile-units.

1 billion times less stressful 

I'm reminded to re-read the Aro Tibetan stuff on anxiety and paranoia. (Shargrol shared it last log)

I'm still doing consistent daily non-heroic effort. Some days I miss. With my 10.5 hour work days I don't do them all. But to he quite frank some of my days have been TRIPPY AS FUCK....

Um, Yes. I notice non-self easily. And when I look in the mirror it's completely fucked and trippy.

Now that being said I can't express the insignificance of a rekindling of having an open heart. At work, and at the gym mainly. Working on the mobile units, with the public, and with a fucking idiotic management made me sort of a calcified dick. I mean compared to my first two years there, the "honeymoon phase"...

So now I'm taking care of more serious donors. But less of them. And a better environment for them, so they are actually happy. I fucking hand fed some guy water with a bottle and a straw, and tucked countless people in, and fed them calcium tablets. This I'd way more intimate than I'd ever thought I'd be doing. But these people are so self sacrificing to help people who may be suffering more than a lot of people ever will. Cancer. God bless em'. :'|

I have been going through some difficulty in my life. And have been meditating less, including on my off days, but it's ok. I continue to practice at the gym. I'm becoming a gym rat. I fantasize about helping people and helping myself as the world order changes. Maybe being a good partner to some lady some day. And the even more distant but possible thought of being a father one day. But mainly I just want to be a humble beacon as we go through the hardships of the next years, and even decades. I hate to think of those long time spans.

And yes stream entry eventually and beyond. And to fully wake up, if it is to be.

But for now I'll continue to do good things. As life interferes with my on-cushion time. That's ok. I've been doing real meditation at the gym. I turn my podcast off and just practice as I work out, for the first part to gain momentum. Then turn on a meditation podcast and continue And keep practicing. And also practice having an open heart and loving the people around me. I'm not much or an "A&Py" person. But I've been getting burst of open hearted love and euphoria at the gym. Maybe for like 1 to 3 minutes. It's well warranted.

Right now I'm just posting to keep my log alive. No deep phenomenolgy right now.

​​​​​​​Metta

"Right now I'm just posting to keep my log alive. No deep phenomenolgy right now."

Screw the phenomenology! This is the most heartfelt post you've put down so far! You are a good man! Go after that gym and after that lady too  

​​​​​​​Best wishes your way! 

​​​​​​​HAHAHAHAHAHA

Thank you Papa. Sometimes I get embarrassed by the stuff I post. Kinda of a neurosis, by default I'm an introverted not very social person. So It's hard to navigate the waters. Even online. So, I just want to say what you said was very kind to my neurotic-self, who was just proven wrong, by the love from people on the DhO.

For context: An example is that, I uses to be embarrassed to talk about social anxiety. But slowly I eroded that fear, as I will the other stuff, like I'm embarrassed to talk about.

1hr Mixed sit + 30m Activity "sit"

So to start I just did a more simply feeling the body. And also just being gently aware that I'm awake. Just very simply gently aware that experience is happening. And it can get a little less body feely. And slightly more wandery...

In any case it was intended. Because sometimes the system needs less energy injected into it. Sometimes I don't feel well, in such a way that noting may not be the best approach at that moment. I'm going through a bigger phase with this right now. As I settled in more I was able to get more concentrated on the body... Also I do remeber some notes. A decent amount but I remeber sort of working with a decentralized noting. Like how to stay with and maintain very basic normal awareness of experience. But let the notes continue. To use a metaphor I'm aiming for the very normal boring ñana. Or an experience emulating it. Because I knew noting helped but like I said, I didn't want to inject a bunch of jagged energy. It did have an effect...

But later the situation was just not calling for any of this... So I did a new meditation. At least new doing it formally. Its the practice I do at work or walking around. Just sort of being there in the room. And it's the opposite of "strong determination". It's letting the body do it's weird monkey-like mannerisms. Jerks. Eyes darting. Head turning...

This seemed to have helped. This technique is just letting whatever is called for at the moment happen. But at it's base I sort of feel like it's being the avatar, but sort of letting it just be whatever it is and wants to be. There is inherent no-self in this technque. And since its decently easy for me to experience some version of no-self, that part sort of happens more or less automatically. So the "trick" is, and what the technqiue is, is to simply get into a flow state. That's why I said it's my at work technique. Because I do it, moving around. So instead I just did that eyes open, sitting there  Except not motionless totally. The trick is to let the body do it's thing. The tiny movements IS flow... It's just being a person in the room, sitting there. Being a normal person, like how people used to act before smart phones, waiting for the bus or something. Just a person looking around. Except we do it in a meditative flow statey, way.

I decided I wanted to get my tea ready for the gym, so I continued doing the flow state making tea. Now the trick here is navigating all the complex rooms. And doors. And intentions and movements, and maintaining flow. The second hardest part is the intentions. The hardest part is letting the thought processes themselves flow. Like "weigh 30 grams of tea" "turn scale off"... that's where it gets hard. The more complex the harder. It's both the flow of the body and mind. I did decent but I got knocked out of flow more than I was in. 

I did notice I was out... sometimes. Got lost other times for a few seconds, minutes...

Later I did the 30 minutes activity portion. I set a timer to make it formal and cleaned my car and got ready for the gym.

edit: I'm making a strong and kindly held resolve to practice exquisitely good noting practice, in bed, right now, before I fall asleep. I'm going to set a timer to do a 30m in bed sit, of noting. Noticing as much of the dukkha characteristic as I can. Kind, meaning I know I can do it, with as little unnecessary extra effort, as possible. Pretty detailed fast noting for the first 10 minutes.

Remeber the dukkha characteristic is connected to resistance.

I'll report back in my next post. Good night.

30m sit

This was on bed last night, where I said in my last post I had resolved to do a sit focused on noting. And noting well. But honestly, meaning gently and also noting the right stuff, not just nonsensical chaos... But I literally remeber starting off the sit noting "chaos" as my mind scrambled with what to note. This is a good example, because it shows the meta-awareness of what good noting is like for me. Bad noting is the alternaitve of that situation... where I'm feeling chaos, and some part of me knows this. But as a part of that chaos I just start noting fast and random, for no reason. Whereas if I simply noted chaos, I relax a little. And I can continue to note fast, but I note things in a way that improves concentration. The former is like using noting as a "ignorance-type crutch". I don't know if I'm explaining the situation accurately, but it's at least the jist. The most important thing first, is that I understand the difference.

Anyway, the sit wasn't terribly difficult. I was able to maintain relatively quick noting. I was initially worried about falling asleep... but I indeed had plenty of energy. I kept going even after the 30 minutes. The entire sit was at least 45m to 1hr...
But in my formal resolve the thing that was note worthy was my emphasis on dukkha and resistance... this actually made for an unusual sit. Let me explain... It had gotten me to a point where I haven't been in a while. The mechanism was opening up blind spots... the result was getting to an EQ-like place but one with the emphasis on naturally noticing core-processes. And further emphasis on the fact it was natural. This lead to some very deep meditation. Not very jhanic, but very ñanic. 
Also fundamentally adressing why I'm sitting here existing. Why I am trying to do anything at all. What am I? Noticing the push and pull of craving and aversion.

I really get the feeling I'm building this thing. And not even "stream entry" I don't even know what that is. I'm gaining "knowledge of" insight stages 1-11. As well as thr 4 jhanic channels. And the basic prodromal skills of basic attention, to the attentional mode of no-self, and flow states. Meta-awareness. And bringing back some psychology in, including internal family systems... And even non-conceptual loch kelly style practice.

I summarize because the insights from this above sit are old ones to me. Noticing core-processes... but what's of note, again, is how they arrived naturally in a sit. Because sometimes the insights become so old that they are just intellectual usually. And I take them for granted.

For instance I could do a sit, or attention activity where I bring attention into the space inside the head and I take it for granted that I know thr core processes are there.... or the knowledge of this phenomenon is so old, it's just taken at face value that, that is what is happening. And I "forget" how to make the phenomena show themselves. When the answer is simply 6 sense doors three characteristics.

But a Huge huge emphasis on the marriage of all theee characteristics.

I think the main thing here, as simply as I can make it in english. Is that I've put overemphasis on the no-self characteristic at the expense and blindness of the other two possibly, but definitely dukkha.

Because the ironic thing is that clear comprehension of one of them, helps with comprehension of another or the other two.

Because it was by intentionally noticing dukkha, that these old earmarked insights were remembered in the moment again. And it wouldn't have happened if I didn't write the intention down here in my log. I honestly don't know what lead me to write that. Maybe just because it's both in text format and public, it lead to me thinking a bit differently than my usual patterns as of late.

So once again, I'm going to do another sit right now, of unknown duration and technique. But the one thing I resolve to do well is notice the dukkha, specifically the tension, resistance, craving and aversion. Honestly and gently again.

30m Sit

This was another sit intending to notice dukkha. It's also another account of my weird full spectrum coffee-strength pharmacopia. So I ate about 28 grams of strong Mayan coco paste. And I had a lot of energy. But it hit me in a more anxyolitic way.

So I practiced under these circumstances. So in this case is wasn't appropriate to work with the subtle dukkha, as gross dukkha was present in abundance.

So I had switched to noticing impermanace as the predominant investigative charactersitic. In the 7-factors sense.

It seems I'm posting less. Last log I was a postin' nut. Nothing wrong with that tho... it's just I'm going through some phase in life. I'm in a bit of a formal meditation-cushion trough. But I haven't stopped.

For instance today I did three hours at the gym. My overall mindfulness was low. By my times where I experienced intense glimpses was high.

And after I did an hour meditation walk in the metro-park/forrest. For about 20m I listened to Shinzen.

Another pleasant thing to report is Ram Dass podcats in bed. I opened the list and they're on episode 300... back in the day, when I was 20. I remember they were on episode 20, in 2011... Kind of makes me well up a little. And the old bastard died in ought 19... I remeber in 20 I'm like "huh. Wonder if he's still kicking" saddened to find out he had died. But greatful to have had him with us, during those crucial years. Calling him an old bastard is obviously Facetious. Sorry lol.

Um. But yeah. I remember Daniel saying uh, Bill Hamilton had a fusion of Mahasi. This that. And Ram Dass...

here's the practical part. I was in a defeated mood. In bed. Depressed. And popped on Ram Dass and suddenly im fine. And im also abiding in presence. Meditating. Watching myself listen. Watching myself hear the words.

One good example is his classic phrase "were all god in drag". Yeah I see it. I've been walking a somewhat gradual path. Life is much more rich, and psychedelic, and spiritual. And pseudo-nirvana. Not actual stream entry yet. Ill keep going.

I wish I could schmack you with a kyosaku now! 

Three hours in the gym is a lot...

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Hahaha. It is. It's not my usual. I think my target is like 2 hours. Minimum like 1. I got nothing better to do. I'm now gonna go on a tanget lol

I'm trying to get healthier. A better posture. And more in touch with my body. And its kind of crazy how much it helps with cushion posture.

Actually because of meditation I have good effortless chair sitting posture on demand. But I watched a video about standing and walking. The key is to have muscle balance between different groups to naturally support the entire structure. No forcing it. Just appropriately squeeze your ass, back, abs, etc.

I was never really even mildly strong in my upper body. So I figure time to get that done. It's working. Been at it since December slowly getting better

Hehehe I was confused and had to do some googling. But as I was entering I deduced what that word meant. One of those zen beating sticks lol. Lovely 

I will go on a tangent too

This body will suffer old age, sickness, and death. 

So ... 

​​​​​​​Kyosaku? Twice or trice? 

I mean to say it's probably too much. You could lose much more progress to injuries than you might gain by working out that much. 

This has been my experience, the experience of friends of mine and I mean you can look it up, everybodies been there.

Be careful anyway.  ​​​​​​​An injury can put you out for weeks if not months. We all get them and overtraining is usually the culprIt. 

Oh OK. I'll keep an eye out for it.

Been in my cushion lull, but did about 90m long walk meditation yesterday. And have been doing them regularly. But I do have a chance to report I DID break the cushion lull... I naturally was lead to do 40m, and it was pleasant. Whereas if it's forced it feels against my will...

There is a lot I could report. I feel like I got to the eq ñana, with strong emphasis on ñana, as opposed to jhana. Which is certainly a good thing. Also neutral...

But one thing is I'm now able to enter a flow state during the very breif movements during sitting. I had a cup of coffee. I drank half. 20m in I decided to finish it. Well it turns out all the flow-state meditation done at work applies to sipping coffee... whereas before I would have felt tension, or wouldn't know how to "properly" maintain mindfulness, now I can do it. The body knows how to automatically lift and sip the coffee... the trick is to make it flowy... like it's pleasant fluid movement. I don't know...

And conversely I've learned how to do the Loch kelly style conceptless meditation, eyes closed... I don't honestly know how I'm doing it. So it's a metaphor. Like pure Conscipusness through God's eyes... im just another incarnation of God. That's what happens when I quickly take a glimpse at work, at the gym, I feel like I'm an alien observer or something, but full of life, ordinary, and the same consciousness that everyone else is...

So to do that eyes closed. It's like God is eavesdropping in the same way, except the being happens to havs his/her eyes closed.

So in summary, some novel reports. And the first graceful break of cushion aversion.

I don't know how to describe it earlier, the context of my sit. 

But sometimes I get into lulls. And it feels like because of the physical pain and edginess in my body, it blocks true equanimity... but a lot of my initial taste, and quite frankly later taste too, was not simply EQ. It was more jhanic... But I have realized there is a difference between EQ ñana and jhana.

The real spirit of EQ is ok with these sensations. An analogy is trying to meditate when you have the flu. Because sometimes in life, it's like that. If I want to meditate I have to practice where parts of my body do not feel good. And it apparently isn't 100% connected with the dark night.

So, at this point. I've come to welcome both the more ñanic and jhnaic aspects with open loving arms. And to some extent I no longer care as much, to "get to" some place in a sit. Some cool place, or pleasant EQ somatic feelings... I've learned that a healthy mix of both is ok, when routing all this through the back, into the very reason I meditate. *Motivation.

Because I've noticed today, and yesterday, when I did a longer sit and got to EQ, I began to sit, because of the bigger context of progress. Listening to dharma and getting hyped up.

But also just abiding in the present, AS god. Just having equanimity with the fact a body and room is here. And it is what it is. Now that I'm sitting on the cushion... The very eager attitude us dropped... and ironically, logically, I know this is what "progresses" me, to EQ faster, in that sit. Also the point is, it doesn't matter when I get to EQ... all ñanas, are part of god. And I'm not developed enough to recognize them. And I "have" them all anyway.

So I guess the significant thing is that I've had a pretty equanamous attitude towards sitting the past few days. Very nonchalant, and this is what got me to EQ.

1hr sit.

So before the sit was depressive feelings... as soon as I sat down I was peaceful... I did some pretty gentle noting.... pretty quickly the noting was slowed and dropped. And sprinkled with some notes here and there.

I was happy the first part of the sit felt good. Later there was emotional pain, pain of progress. And pain of my life. Noted... I noticed hypnogogic visuals, and noted that I might be in DN/ dissolution... I was upset I wasn't in the EQ ñana, noted, and also noticed how absurd that reaction is.. because A. The entire sit felt pleasant, besides emotional pain and B. dissolution is equally as interesting as VJ1/2/4... ? Silly me : )

And also at some points there was a very gentle calibration of learning gentle butterfly, matter of fact, attention. Bare stupidly easy attention. And balancing effort and effortlessness...

I started going in a deep dive of former memories from ough 15' to 17'. Fond by bygone sad memories. I did direct sensate awareness, but also some inner-work on my soul...

At some point experience did bleed into the equanimity ñana, and there was a lot of visual/spacial activation. It was like I was going on a minds-eye trip. Sometimes it was vivid... and other times going in to reveree/fantasy.

Also, from dissolution to equanimity, I had practiced with do-nothing technique. Truly. Because if I'm going to almost 0 effort, I have to learn natural meditation. And there may be some overlap with the Loch kelly mahamudra stuff...

The Loch Kelly non-conceptual awareness technique, via glimpses. Has become so common that I've apparently trained myself to spontaneously fall into it, at times. Because it just feels so natural, wholesome, and right.

At the same time sometimes a part of me will come up and say "what are you doing? You broke your brain". Which Loch Kelly talks about explicitly. Its just something to take note of.

The point being, ive been finding myself doing this, easily, any time during the sit. It can be whenever but I find it most efficient to just build concentration first...

There was more to this sit, I swear to god, but I forget most of it.

And training in morality, this is another few days of balancing faith and wisdom. As a soul, as a human, as a practitioner, I can and will fall into stream entry. As an infallible human a very real part of me doubts this, but that's just the bare truth... if I get in touch with that part I could do a psychological journal right now. I feel it. It screams "ahHHHH!! I will never enter the stream" and another related part saying "you're just being overly emotional, but I'm the logical voice. And were not going to make it. But I'm not going to scream"... and another calm part disagrees. And another spiritual part, has already seen many impossible miracles.

And this other part, the non-conceptual awareness part, just knowingly abides.

So yeah. I'm learning to have faith that it can be done, and wisdom to not obsess about the maps or progress. The wisdom to know it will be done, on its own time. And the faith to know, that I dont have to know. And the faith to keep taking repeated plunges of faiths.

What does this mean? You keep using jargon and there isn't enough phenomenological detail in your log for me to determine if that jargon has any relavance. 

Stuff like this: 
How can you be sure this has anything to do with equanimity? 

I think you should give up the mapping it doesn't seem to be helpful at present. If you're going to sit then sit. If you're going to keep a log then log your sits. Let the jargon go. Stop assuming you know where you're at. Stop trying to be someplace else. The cold hard truth of the progress of insight is that whenever you think you know where you are you will almost always be wrong. Sometimes your close, sometimes you're not. The "solution" is to always investigate and be curious about this situation, this experience. 

I don't think you're sitting consistently enough to get through the dark night. I could be wrong but that's how it seems to me. You don't get to eq without committed daily practice. 

If you want to do this then commit to just practicing, with just this, no jargon, no heroics. Humble, non conceited, daily practice.

If you don't want to make that kind of commitment to sitting at the minute.... that's actually totally cool but you aren't going to just find yourself magically in eq or getting stream entry. Jargon is unconvincing and only useful as shorthand when people have shown their work. 

Everytime I hit the gym I see the same core group of people in there working out. I see their commitment to training, I see how serious they are, just because they show up and put in the work. It's plain as day. If they wanted to start throwing around numbers "I bench this, I squat that" I'm probably going to just take their word for it. I've seen their hustle and I'm in the gym with them so regularly I could verify it pretty easy. 

​​​​​​​If I got a friend who talks a big game about the gym, but he ain't in there, if I don't see him hustle, I'm going to be more critical of him if he says "I bench this, I squat that" y'know and if hes a good friend of mine... Well, you know I have to call him out. 
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Two persons start to dig for water on the same piece of land!

One person dug 10 meters and the other person also dug 10 meters. However, only one person got to the water! 

Why?

One person dug 10 holes 1 meter deep and found nothing, and the other person dug 1 hole 10 meters deep and got to water! 

p.s. I would suggest sticking to ONE technique for at least 6 months of daily 45-60 minutes meditation. Buy into it completely! Then after 6 months evaluate it and change to something else that resonates well with you or continue with the same. Sprinkling a bit of this and that technique around your daily sit is the same as digging 10 holes 1 meter deep. 

​​​​​​​Best wishes! 

"I don't think you're sitting consistently enough to get through the dark night. I could be wrong but that's how it seems to me. You don't get to eq without committed daily practice."

All it takes is a good one hour sit. This was the first time I got to EQ. And a bit of luck.

I don't have the time right now to respond to the entire thing. Maybe I wont at all.

But I've never had that experience of the POI people talk about. It felt like I was in the dark night chronically for years. But at any given moment, I could spring out into EQ with enough right practice, but I'd always of course, fall back.

When on retreat. Day after day, I'd get to EQ on the first sit, and then id dwell in it all day. Until I woke up. Repeat.

Same for when I quit practice and rebooted back in ought 21'...

Yes I agree I should stick to phenomenolgy more. But I also disagree. I dont know. I like the DhO, its a place for me to express myself. It helps. And I get feedback ocassionally. Which helps. Ocassionally I write sloppy. I'm even doing it in my response right now. I'm too tired nor do I have the time.

And I'm glad ur being honest with me. Don't censor yourself. 

I appreciate your previous feedback on here. And I appreciate you as a person. It did help.

Sharing on here, knowing other people are going read it, and being as clear as possible, is a heart practice. And my post that Papa and Bahiya replied to was not clear. And not information-dense.

I could have done better. And I agree with posting "jargon". Specifically the word "dissolution". Ive never really used that before. I was being lazy.

I don't think it would help to dissect why I used that.

It's up to me to try to be clear, and communicate as a heart practice. Which I'm admittedly very bad at communication.

I said too much. I said the wrong stuff. It won't be the last time. I'm going to fuck up again. I'll try to work on it. But what can I say. 

"If I got a friend who talks a big game about the gym, but he ain't in there, if I don't see him hustle, I'm going to be more critical of him if he says "I bench this, I squat that" y'know and if hes a good friend of mine... Well, you know I have to call him out."

I don't know why I'm being compared to someone who "talks a big game".

I'm not trying to be cool. Im here so I can try to be ok.

Maybe you didn't mean it like that though. I almost don't even want to say this for fear of being perceived as, I don't know, disagreeable or hostile or something. But I have to be honest.

I don't know. Maybe you're more like my brother was. Tough love. I knew better than to post so sloppy

Equanimity, the nana, is a lot

It has qualities which can be very easily observed in how someone communicates, particularly to those who know. It is arrived at through various insights, realizations and explorations of the nature of reality, that while they may often be unique to an individual also often have a similar arc, feel, trajectory.  

It's not just a vibe that comes and goes. I suspect you would be communicating differently if you were in Equanimity right now for example. 

"But I've never had that experience of the POI people talk about."

Then why are you using words from it to describe your experience? Use your own words and honestly describe what's going on. 

"Day after day, I'd get to EQ"

What happened between sitting on the cushion and "getting eq"? Is there any possibility your talking about something other than the equanimity nana? Could you possibly try to describe your meditation without any of this terminology? 

It seems to me this forum has changed a lot over the years. I think it's probably a lot more chill than it used to be. Which is cool. Suits me.

But, importantly, it has always been a place where people come to show their work and test their assertions. I'm not trying to be pedantic, I'm actually pretty loose when it comes to lingo, I just think you aren't showing enough of your work that when you say something like Equanimity I can reliably parse what that means for your actual experience. 

If you're not sitting much and then doing an hour sit and getting to EQ, I mean, that sounds awesome... but I'm not particularly convinced. If you were sitting for a couple of weeks and logging those sits, so that I could see what's going on day to day, then I might be more convinced. 

The reality is, if you can sit for an hour and get to EQ, you could sit for a few more and get stream entry. It took me weeks of committed practice, multiple hours a day, to get to EQ.

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Would anyone be able to share tips on how to distinguish between Equanimity, and experiences which simply resemble it?

Getting into stuff like EQ is like changing the lens on a camera. 

It shifts the whole system. It changes how that system relates to the world around it. 

The way you think is different. The layer of mind your operating on is different. Your concerns, your motivations are different. 

In the early Nana's these changes are subtle but as you get into the deep end the change can be quite significant. 

There's a number of logs currently on site that very clearly and richly detail people's journey through various Nana's. 

In eq I can feel sad
I'm the dark night I can feel bliss 
In the early Nana's I can feel tranquility 

Equanimity is like your dearest childhood memory, a memory so rich with sentiment that it couldn't have ever really happened. One summers day, an infinity, bleached and sun worn. An ocean fading into sky. It gets extremely broad, it moves like space if space were an ocean, if space had waves (it does). The self feels stretched out, a little battered by the vastness of it, softened by the dark night that preceded it and deeply, insatiably ready to do as little as is possible to survive. Equanimity is a time for resting like a dog and purring like a cat. It's as if the moment right after you got a massage went on for way longer than you thought were possible. At first it's fresh, tender from the recent darkness but then it gets lazy, even boring.
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Appreciate the thoughtful response!