Please note that I've been a lay practitioner without anything serious but reducing stress in mind. English isn't the first language, sorry. If it isn't a place for such questions from people like me (=not serious practitioners), I'll leave. It just feels not very pleasant and I want to get out of this mental state, not to practice meditation further (at least for a while).

I have been pranayama and meditating about 4 years with varying intensity. Most of my practice though was pranayama with some meditation with concentration on imaginarry object (only the last year I've started to incorporate it more frequent). Usual daily routine last year was about 20-30 min
pranayama + 10-20 min concentration (sometimes I'd skip the latter). This gave me more confindence, calmness and joy of life in general.

About two weeks ago I've meditated somewhat longer and with more confidence, which resulted in strange experience. I usually like to read about different religions. As I was reading about advaita after aforementioned meditation session, I stumbled upon a phrase "not only your consciousness should be observed, but universal consciousness". I tried to imagine how this u.c. should look like, just imagined for a hald a second something like a galaxy of different "consciousnesses"... I did't even meditated, just tried to imagine... And then - BAM! - something like electric discharge clicked in my brain. Probably 2 times. When it happened, I felt that I have no thougths at all. Then was a feeling as if someone had broken an egg on my head, and energetic liquid started to feel up my body conture. It was cold and pleasant at first. I felt ultiamte bliss, which is my body shape. Nowhere to go now, no worries, it's all already there, simple experience is so delightful in itself. All micromovements like typing on keyboard were so light, there was something robotic in it but in a pleasant way. This peak was 10-15 min with strong 2-hour afterglow. 

But then as I've calmed myself a bit I've noticed that sometimes this energy feels overpowering, as if too much chocolate was fed into me without a stop. It was like after pranayama before (when I started to feel energy), but more. It was especially evident in my legs, and wass corresponded with full-blown panic attacks. This energy is similar - excuse me drug reference - an effect of hash or strong weed. It seems like some emotions are exaggerated by this energetic feeling. One other place where energy felt most was my chest, but with more pleasant emotions of love, gratitude - when I'm among my friends and family, for example. Someone suggested it might be kundalini.

Also I feel like I as a person was reset to zero. First two days were like Ph. K. Dick novel. I feel detached from my life, my past, my goals, almost everything I've ever loved. Some emotions also feel more stupified and weakend, I can't concentrate on my future and it's crucial for me in this moment in life. I can't manage long-term things. Many joyful and ecstatic experineces I had now seem impossible and cut from me, most my palette of emotions now is liek dull and white-ish goo with nothing of much interest. I sometimes even think that I am losing the sense of interest itself. The other time I feel helpless (sometimes panic attacks, suicidal thoughts) and want to go back to normal. Sometimes deep emotions of childlike fear arise somewhere and I just want to cry and hide somewhere from it. I am not sure I want to practice anymore, as the overall experience is mostly negative with some moments of light (friends, family, some hobbies - they are like anchors). 

I also feel weak physically after that happened as if my nervous system overworked. I sometimes sleep 2 hours more than usual and stay in bed longer, feel weakness in my arms and especially in my legs. Heart pulse rises frequently when I go outside.

Can anyone please give me advice how to stop it without any meditative practice? It looks like my previous practices just muddy this energy - it feels even worse after them. And I don't want to push it any further, which wasn't initial goal. Will it go away by itself? After two weeks it seemed like it calmed down but resurfaced recently.

Again, I am fully aware that the goal of my post is somewhat contradicting to the purpose of this website (I don't want insight, just normal sense of life with joy and strong emotions). I'll delete it if such posts disturb people's genuine practice. Sorry for disturbance - it just feels like the only place I can get some help and figure out what it is and get out from it.

Hello Arvo

Your mental skills of observation have been strengthened.
The mind observes itself particularly its irrational compulsive behaviour  and generates the experience of panic, fear, anxiety.
This panic/fear/anxiety is something you have felt through out your life in varying degrees, but now it isnt connected to life, its specific elements, or stories within it. Now it is universal and ubiquitous. This is the phenomena of the mind engaging with a universal characteristic.

Through natural process the mind keeps looking at fear and lets go of something within it, this fear then turns to misery ... onwards to disgust ... onwards to desperation. When this happens in a system of practice with teachers and fellow practitioners who are advanced, one may get the advise that this is expected, anticipated even, and not to fight it but to go with the flow by keeping on practicing.

You have two choices:

1. Become really structured and methodical in meditation practice and take this to its logical conclusion
2. Try to stop this process and back away from it preferring to live normally the way everyone else does, experience fear and its derivatives on and off but also experience the positive emotions

The point#1 is my main recommendation. Beyond fear, misery etc lies a happiness that is independent of conditions. But one should only go after it intentionally in a planned way. One cannot really accidentally stumble on it. It requires careful cultivation of the mind and mental qualities thus making it a life project which demands time and energy.

There is nothing wrong in point #2. If this is what you want then I recommend you do the following.
For a defined duration do two practices -

1. simply lie down on a yoga mat and do slow deep gentle abdominal breathing to relax the body to the extent possible without pushing yourself. To do this multiple times in the day in short time intervals, in order to generate whatever calmness is accessible and let the body and mind rest in it
2. Do metta practice. You can learn this formally using guided meditations online in case you havent. Metta moves the mind away from Insight practice and trains it to start ignoring universal characteristics

Over a period of time start reducing the time you spend in meditation and then completely stop it. Once you successfully cool down the mind's sensitivity to universal characteristics, the negative affect you are experiencing will reduce, also metta practice will sweeten the mind. One problem here is that the mind has now learnt of universal characteristics and Insight and will go looking for it from time to time, on its own. Keep relaxing keep practicing metta from time to time, you should be fine.

"Can anyone please give me advice how to stop it without any meditative practice? It looks like my previous practices just muddy this energy - it feels even worse after them. And I don't want to push it any further, which wasn't initial goal. Will it go away by itself? After two weeks it seemed like it calmed down but resurfaced recently."

Obviously, there is no way I can know what is exactly going on for you or give perfect advice -- so definitely ask other people for advice including mental health professionals...

You have obviously experienced a strong shock to the system. Yes it does match with A&P type experiences, but people can have those experiences even without a meditation practice (drugs, trauma, childbirth, etc.).   It will almost definitely go away by itself, but you need to help your recovery by stopping your previous practices, eating well, sleeping well, very gently exercising, being around people, and focusing on living a normal life. It takes a while for the body and mind to recover -- just like if you were in a scary car accident.

I had a very intense retreat and I had to stop practicing for several months. It was scary and I worried that I was broken in some way. After I rested and recovered I was fine, but I needed to focus on recovery.

After a few months, you can consider what to do next. There is no rush. Focus right now on recovering.

If you feel you need stronger help, that's when it is important to call mental health crisis lines and talk to someone right away.

Exactly.



There's tons of advice available but, it has to be said, no known way to stop the process. Once the bottle is opened, it's opened.

The community I know best is Shalom Place. Some years ago Tara Springett used to be a member, and she also has her own site with books and a one-on-one counseling practice. And there's also an emergency advice section on the AYP Site, and you can post on r/kundalini.

Good luck to you.

I had a lot of kundalini energy (pretty dramatic) and it calmed down slowly over months, and actually became something nice and reassuring that I can control if I want to, over years. Exercise, hearty foods, and yoga all helped early on.