Starting a new log. Previous logs:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/24853504
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/25858268

5/12
Back into the head/mind stream in today's sit. Back up into or near that dreamy state. I will sort of dip into it and then back out again, is what it feels like. No distance between "me" and sensations, anything I see, hear, feel, think, etc. A deep calm. Sensations are like little eddies that spin up and then subside.

5/13
Three sits today, 45 minutes each.

5/14
No sit during the day, just my poor planning and time management.
Tried to meditate before bed, did for maybe 40 minutes before I fell asleep, would have sat longer but the sleepiness got me.

5/15
50 minute sit early afternoon, another 1 hour sit late afternoon. 

Gentle noting, more labeling early on, less or no labeling later on. Relaxing into the sit. I feel very good even though it seems as though nothing much is happening during the sit. I do notice subtle shifts in concentration, and subtle shifts in where attention is focusing during different parts of the sit... For some strange reason?? I got really frustrated and really averse to the sound of a helicopter. For literally no reason at all, not a clue why I had such extreme irritation at a helicopter that I just wanted to go away. Later in the sit, much more relaxation and lightening of body and mind. No more anger-triggering helicopters... There were a few times when it felt like attention is not focusing on anything in particular, and I just notice broad, vague, space... No-particular-thing-ness... Until something specific pops out again. 

5/16
1 hour sit. Just relaxing, noting, going along, all sense doors, trying to just note thoughts as thoughts, NOT go into trances even if nice-feeling, noted a lot of thoughts about work, and occasional thoughts about practice, sort of "how is this sit going", checking in with the sit type thoughts. Nothing that difficult or negative during the sit, in the middle I lost the flow of noting, readjusted, resettled and continued on.

But off-cushion, though!! I feel a mind freakout coming on, I am getting so easily and overly irritated, frustrated, annoyed, by some particularly annoying people in particular. Like, gonna tear my hair out if this annoyingness does not LET UP. 

Obviously I know that if there are any practical solutions to make any particular situations better in daily life I can do those things, but aside from that... letting thoughts and emotions just be what they are... can be difficult. I see the trap of getting stuck in this stuff, and I know not to do that. But, there is this feeling of, "There is ALL this extreme irritation and feeling bothered and annoyed and frustrated, so what do I DO with it?" There is that wanting to DO something with it, DO something about it. The feeling is - I can't just let it be, right, I've got to DO something about this. I CAN'T just let it be, and I MUST judge myself for feeling this way, etc. etc.

I guess I already know what to do. I know well enough to let thoughts be thoughts, emotions be emotions, however powerful or captivating. It's obvious what to note, obvious that I can just note it, obvious that I don't HAVE to get sucked into it.

So. May I bravely experience this moment and wisely avoid reactivity!!!!!!!!!

5/17
50 minute sit. Very strong concentration today. Thoughts not totally gone of course. But quieter and more in the background. Noticed a few subtle shifts in concentration. Maybe 40 minutes in, there was a very pronounced and sudden onset of uniform tingling in the face and hands. Not so subtle!

There is normally a sense of something solid/stable in the center, like my vantage point from which I view/sense all other sensations. There was a loosening up of this sense of a stable thing in the center, sometimes seen as just more shifting and changing sensations, not solid and stable, after which I'd almost feel like I'm moving/bouncing around with attention, like I am located "there" wherever the sensation is that attention is currently noting/noticing. Sometimes it would "stabilize" again as though I'm back at the center point "here" watching "there". I watched this solid/stable sense of being at this center point, because it kind of bothered me that it felt so stable and permanent, so I watched and it would sort of "break up" sometimes into component sensations.

Very good, very relaxed, concentration very strong, very good sit. 

Feeling much better today off-cushion also. No getting overly irritated and annoyed.

Nice Ashley!! Youre logs are awesome, well written, good practice 

Thanks! I'm doing my best to recall more detail when I can.

Okay okay okay. Not such a good week. Sleep troubles, a little sprinkling of work stress, schedule disruptions, a bit of sadness, flat mood, tired of stuff, a bit frustrated, a tad overwhelmed. Once again just wanting everyone to leave me alone and stop needing me for a long while and just give me some peace and quiet for a long long time.

I also had a sudden inability to stay seated during meditation. I was having a hard time sitting more than 15-20 minutes and just wanted to go do other stuff. I thought maybe I just felt too uncomfortable on the cushion, physically and mentally, and I was just unwilling right now to experience it. But I think it's also that - if I feel that meditation is not going very well, like I'm very distracted, bad practice, etc... Then I feel unwilling to commit a whole hour to bad practice, feeling that it is a waste, I ought to spend that hour doing something else, and I should wait until I can do better at it. 

I just need to sit and practice anyway, let it be bad, if it turns out that way. One thing meditation has shown me is how stupid it is to have the mindset of "waiting for the perfect conditions". That shit ain't never gonna be perfect, things never really settle down, and if they do it's not for long, I will never "arrive", there is no "just get through this day, this week, this month, this whatever, and THEN everything will be all good!" 

Sometimes, I sleep bad, and feel sad, and feel unhealthy, and feel overwhelmed and busy. Sometimes, I sleep well, feel happy, feel healthy, and things go smoothly. Things change. Then they change again. Then they just go and keep on changing. And through it all I attempt to live and practice.

The last few days I have had some good sits again. Yesterday's sit in particular was surprisingly full of peace, much peace, lots of peace. Peace with everything! Good and bad. Relaxation, but not falling into trances. Very still. Good concentration. A few "falling asleep" head drops earlier in the sit because I was kind of tired, but I felt more alert later on and had some of those "brownout" kind of moments where things briefly fade or drop away but I remain alert, no head drops and not sleepy. Little to no restlessness.

I have also noticed that some of my reactive patterns seem to have gone *poof*! or, maybe they'll be back someday who knows. But I often notice long after something happened that essentially no internal reactions were triggered. Not indifference! Just not any of that unnecessary emotional reactivity, and believing thoughts, and suffering, which it turns out always just got in the way of simply "getting on" with things and handling/dealing with whatever just happened.

Other reactive patterns remain, and some of them feel so stubbornly entrenched I don't know if they'll ever go away. I wish I could make them go away.

I am also reading "Wake Up to Your Life" by Ken McLeod!

Sounds like you might have had the common experience of touching on EQ, life and maybe less time practicing causing a falling back into reobservation, and then finding EQ again.

One thing to consider: practice becomes really solid when you sort of secretly wish Reobs would happen so you could get a good look at it. In other words, "I don't mind having a sit where I want to get up after 15 minutes, because then I'll be able to really study my reactivity and know it so well that I won't get duped again!"   

Not something to be egotistical about, but rather more bravery plus respect for reobservation plus a lot of faith in yourself and your practice. 

Definitely keep consistent daily practice going.

Thank you, I will keep this in mind! Back to regular practice... maybe (I'll do my best!!)

5/26
Have been feeling bad for being so easily annoyed, frustrated with family this week, for wanting a break and some quiet...

1 hour sit today. I remember I sensed vastness. Sensations were clear enough... But it was like the sit itself and the direction of the sit felt very vague, like I wasn't going anywhere or progressing in any way.  I was not putting any pressure on the sit to go a certain way or for certain experiences to arise, and I wasn't judging this feeling of vague direction/progress as good or bad. It's just what the sit felt like.

More feeling kinda flat off cushion and some extra ill will off cushion. So, practicing letting these feelings and associated thoughts be as they are, letting the ill will be as it is without suppressing or trying to fix. Wow even after all this time though it is difficult not to want to try and fix or change the ill will in some way. I guess because it's 30+ years of habit.

5/27
1 hour sit.

5/28
40 minute sit. Really really long pauses between breaths for some reason, was very noticeable.

Feeling all the same familiar "problems" bothering me again. Feeling like everything in my life is just a huge time and energy suck, some days I struggle to get any meditation time, kids and work expand to fill every nook and cranny of my life, I thought I had it all figured out, funny to see I obviously did not.

When I get all worked up about stuff, I can see clearly it is the same old stories coming up again, I can see and feel clearly what happens if I believe the thoughts, and I can observe the reactions in the body and the mind. So, not exactly getting lost in it. Easier to be at a more mindful level, even while bothered or getting worked up. So, that's good, at least.

5/30
50 minute sit. In this sit I just felt... tired, tired, tired. Not sleepy tired - tired of applying techniques and methods, tired of using effort, tired of trying to get somewhere, tired of trying to achieve anything. I'm tired, tired, tired of it.

What I am not tired of, is sitting for meditation. That's all I want to do is, just sit. I just want to just. Sit. Nothing else, none of that effortful technique applying, none of that trying to get somewhere, none of that trying to achieve anything. None of that energy!! None!!! I don't even care what does or does not happen in a sit, I just want to sit. If nothing happens, fine. If things get crazy, fine. If things are calm, fine.

I actually feel a huge relief, after feeling all of that. It is okay to feel tired of stuff, it is okay to just sit. What feels right is just accepting that this is how things feel and how things look right now, tomorrow or next week they'll look some other way, and I'll accept that too, just the way it is. I can accept and work with exactly the way things are, right now. And that's good, because it's ALWAYS right now! haha.

I'm feeling more relaxed and less stressed about meditation practice. I want to relax the pressure I put on myself to get in enough practice time.

5/31
2 sits, each 45 minutes. Sits felt like forever. Took a long time to settle, weaker concentration. But at least in the last 10 minutes, actual good practice (noting without losing mindfulness).

6/2
Problems... it is like, at one moment, a "problem" is just totally non-existent, no thoughts or feelings about it whatsoever... Then the next moment, whammo blammo! The problem is completely reborn, all over again. Then the mind is busy with thinking about it and trying to figure out how to make it go away again. So I am seeing this happen.

Feeling mildly depressed again. For today's sit I was so sleepy that I did a combination of standing and walking to stay awake.

6/3
50 minute sit, 30 minute sit later, then 30 minutes before bed.

6/4
Two 30 minute sits today. Second sit much more relaxed with stronger concentration compared to recent sits. Feeling more aware and mindful off-cushion. Feeling particularly aware of my tendency to default to a pessimistic or sour attitude about certain things.

6/5
Lately I've been searching around to see what kind of meditation centers/Buddhist centers are around my area. And I happened to find that there is a small Buddhist temple for women only 5 minutes from my house, run by a thilashin trained in the Burmese tradition. Maybe one day I will go and check it out. It is free to visit and meditate and to speak with the nuns there.

I think I sat for 50 minutes today. Things are still feeling kind of vague, like I said in the beginning of this post, like direction/progress is not clear and I am not sure what things will even look like next day or week or month. I mean, the reobs-y stuff is obvious, maybe I'm just still floating around in that space mostly and hence the vagueness of direction/progress. It is alright.

6/6
45 minute sit in the morning, 50 minute sit in the afternoon.

Pretty much same. Noting, labeling if I need it, dropping labeling if I don't, and just feeling around for emotions, urges, but also noting sights, sounds, body sensations... In many recent sits, my attention has definitely wanted to hang out more with external sensations, but today's sit went a little more inward again. I could very clearly note urges, those quick, nearly instant, pre-verbal sensations, that come just before a narrative thought/subsequent story-making and associated sensations... I felt that this is the clearest and earliest I have ever noticed these urges.

I have not had a formal sit in two weeks. I had some good sits early in the month, but work became incredibly busy and stressful after two people on my team left. Then a third person left, from another team who had specific expertise I needed for a project... So I was suddenly so busy and stressed trying to figure a bunch of things out.

Thinking mind seemed so so so strong, like just constantly thinking, thinking, thinking, resisting, resisting, resisting, controlling, controlling, controlling, I am sure the work stress helped fuel that.  So generally, I felt like a mess mentally, so many things were bothering me, I was sleeping poorly, which then left me too tired to do so many of the things that would actually help reduce the stress and mental chatter.

So, my focus was on working hard and resolving the work issues, while supporting my health and sleep as much as possible, and ultimately, I was successful, and now the peak stress period is over.

I thought earlier this month about what I would do if I already had stream entry. I decided I would probably:
1. Relax
2. Enjoy the fruits of my practice
3. Continue practicing

I did indeed feel more relaxed, not in a rush - not looking to delay things, but I'm just not in a rush, you know? 

And, amidst everything I just sort of lost all interest in practicing and logging. I mean, I didn't totally lose interest. It just didn't seem like a big deal, temporarily. I was wanting to do more formal practice again, I just didn't feel a huge push to do it.

I did finally have a formal sit yesterday. It was pretty good, easy, I mean I didn't forget how to meditate, note, concentrate.

This "break" from practice was no big deal. I don't think cramming in practice was the thing for me to do this month. The way this month went is just the way it needed to go. All was well and all is well.

It is a good thing that a bit of that crazed seeking energy has gone. Like I said above, now I will:
1. Relax
2. Enjoy the fruits of my practice
3. Continue practicing!

See ya next time, with hopefully many formal sits to log again. And I hope all is well with all of YOU!

6/29
Had another sit today, easing back into practice. The break gave me perspective, though. I can still energize practice and commit to daily, consistent practice... But I am bringing a relaxing, calm, no stress energy to practice, not a frenetic, hectic, seeking energy that might drive things for a while, but will just burn me out eventually.

6/30
There is good in the bad and bad in the good. It's okay to be right here where I am right now the way things are just as they are. It really is okay. No matter how good or horrible.

Thinking of things being good and being bad... I am not currently feeling the pull of getting attached to things going well, being good. Like when, ahh, finally, there is peace and this and that problem is resolved and everyone is getting along and no one is hurt and things are mostly pleasant, that tendency to cling to it and be scared it will go away again, the tendency to try and get it to stick and stay and remain, is not currently there. Yes I do enjoy the pleasantness, but without a sense of clinging and needing it to stay or increase.

In my sit today, I did notice early on feeling a little anxious, antsy, with a drive to do and accomplish and be busy. Later on in the sit, I could see things as just "movement" regardless of what it was. Look at all this movement. Look at all this bubbling up. At one point I felt that I could sense the deep pain of being a "somebody".  And then the openness and peace of no longer being the particular "somebody" of that moment.

I got sick later and felt miserable but was glad I had already gotten a sit in.

7/1
Still a little sick but sat anyway. I sat just under an hour. Started out very difficult to keep sitting, it felt very boring, not wanting to settle and concentrate, not wanting to sit with good posture or keep still. Breathing feeling kind of labored, uncomfortable, uneven. I kept sitting. At some point things just settled, it was easy to sit still, breathing calm and easy and smooth. Near the end some triggers and story making, I could see that and not get duped, just more sensations. They passed. Then I just settled into noting without labeling. I had the sense that each moment is its own thing. Not tied to the next moment. There cannot be any knowing of a moment except when it is already here and now. There cannot be knowing/experiencing of past or future moments.

7/2
I sometimes do the classic, worrying about whether I am doing meditation "right", or doing enough, worrying about how to make progress. When I noticed I was doing that again today, I imagined it is like planting an apple tree, and then sitting and worrying about how to make an apple. But, you can't just sit down and make an apple. You can just make the conditions right such that the apple will eventually appear on the tree, and then have faith that the apple will show up. So. Stop trying to make the apple. Get back to practicing.

I sat just under an hour again. Nice to see the dramas of the mind and thinking and not have to do anything with it. Just watch it. Don't have to think about it, or own it, or believe it, or "ANYTHING" it. Maybe the most I need to do is just note it.
 
I have kind of been incorporating the spirit of "just sitting" into my sits. Kind of a combo of "just sitting" and "noting". Maybe they can't be combined, I mean, if I'm noting, then I'm not *just* sitting... well, anyway, remembering "just sitting" makes it easy to not get lost in or duped by anything that comes up. And, things can be noted if it feels necessary.

7/3
Sick again last night, very little sleep. Tired and busy all day. I did attempt some practice before bed.

7/4
Today's sit was very witnessy feeling. I had some "I" thought early on during a string of thoughts, something like, "I can handle that" and I just had a feeling like oh, that's just a thought. I felt that the "I" is very fickle. And pretty much just made up to fit into the narrative of the moment. And changes all the time based on the particular story/narrative. So I watched how the "I" that appears is very fickle, conjured up moment-to-moment in this and that narrative, this and that stance.

I had a sort of buzzy shift after which my whole body felt solid and stable like a statue, head to toe, and subtle fuzzy/buzzy sensations in my face and head and hands. Noting continued pretty much the same after the shift. I tried to get as close as possible to thoughts/urges arising within. At the end I was seeing a lot of very subtle manipulation going on. It is so quick and subtle, easy to miss unless you're watching for, well, at least a whole hour.

Good stuff!

"tried to get as close as possible to thoughts/urges arising within. At the end I was seeing a lot of very subtle manipulation going on. It is so quick and subtle, "

Indeed very quick these are! I describe these as "mind jerks" as they jerk from here to there and have some sense of urgency to them. URGEncy.

I guess I had logged some days I never added here, before my hiatus, I'll just put that here then:

7/5
1 hour sit. Feels like a whole lot of nothin'. I mean, I'm just watching stuff. There is a LOT of stuff to see, so it's not exactly nothing. But, it's just like sitting and watching clouds go by, I guess. Except the clouds are any number of random things, thoughts, sounds, body sensations, musings, wonderings, fears, prickles, flashing images, swirling energies, tingles, urges, resisting, sadness, pressure, heaviness, warm, cold, tugs, head drops, floating, solid, doubt, plus a one zillion other things.

Sometimes, I feel eager to skip to the end. I don't like waiting.

7/6
1 hour sit. This sit also didn't feel like much. Sitting is easy, it's not even really boring. Just a bit restless wanting some feedback or something more. Not even sure what. When I notice I'm like that I note it, try not to let it turn into thinking/analyzing and go on with the sit.

7/7
1 hour sit, more of the same. Sitting is fairly easy, just noting... watching, noting, sitting, noting... my usual sans labeling. Trying to get as close as I can to thoughts/emotions/urges arising. But it's all pretty vague and subtle. I guess sits don't all have to be eventful.

7/8
45 minute sit. Pretty much same. Feeling good though. Less and less effort, letting attention go wherever.

Another 50 minute sit. Similar to recent sits, so maybe I can try to say something more. Lots more seeing thoughts as just thoughts. As in, clearly seeing them as "not me". If there is any particular focus, it would be that. Otherwise I'm just watching very closely to things arising within, and whenever an emotional reaction or train of thought is triggered, don't get fooled again but note it, note the components, be still and let things go where they will. I just want to let go of the wheel and just let this go where it will, no more thinking. I did note "peace" a couple of times with today's sit so there is something that stood out.

7/9
Feeling better, better able to handle stress and not blow things out of proportion. I feel as though if something unexpected comes up or plans change that I will be able to adapt quickly. I have more energy than usual which is very welcome.

1 hour sit today.

7/13
So, I didn't practice last three days (Wednesday Thursday Friday). I was well and truly busy. We still need to hire more people at work. Maybe I just fell prey to Parkinson's Law...

I may be completely stalling my progress. But! I still feel good and have more energy than I have had in a while. I feel way better able to handle stress and not make a big deal out of things.

---
Thus began my nearly two month hiatus! Will update some more soon.

"Sometimes, I feel eager to skip to the end. I don't like waiting."

Have you ever tried "shargrol Tonglen" ? 

Many of the things you mention point to this tool for me. Would you want to try and use it as soon any "solid" stuff arises which seems  "going through time" like, eager to skip, dont want to wait, uneventful ... all such stuff can be used in Tonglen to clearly open up to it. 

If this tip feels wrong ignore it if course. 

​​​​​​​Best wishes! 

I have never really tried shargrol's version of tonglen. I just read the description in the post compilations. So I can add it to my "toolbox".

I never would've thought to apply it to things like "'going through time', eager to skip, dont want to wait, uneventful" but that kind of stuff was definitely pretty common in my sits and I'm sure will be again. 

​​​​​​​Thanks!

Cheers!  

Last week (meaning week of August 5) I finally did some practice. I practiced ~45 minutes for 5 days out of the week. 

This past week I only did some very informal off-cushion stuff now and then. Which maybe counts for nothing but anyway, I tried out tonglen a few times on various feelings and experiences I was having. Getting a feel for it. I liked it.

In July, when I wasn't practicing at all... I was just enjoying life - in between being extremely busy with work. I felt pretty happy and just didn't have any really big problems. I was dealing with some of the same old stuff, but it just didn't seem problematic. It was just the stuff that makes up "me" and "my life" and it was quite alright.

I was dumbfounded about how NOT UPSET I was about missing so much practice. I used to get so upset if I couldn't even practice for 1 day, let alone 10 days (or more). During that time though, even on days I realized that my entire day was going to be filled to the brim with family, kids, work, etc., and no practice at all, I didn't mind at all.

It felt like practicing was not a big deal. Life was just lifeing, I figured life would life itself back over to a regular practice schedule eventually.

I asked myself, why do I not try harder to fit in practice? Am I avoiding it for some reason? Why does it not bother me not to practice at all? Why does it feel like it doesn't matter much if I practice or not, that if I don't practice that's just as well as if I do? Life felt very normal, just normal stuff happening. Good, bad, planned, random. I wasn't even bothered about having COVID. I was just going along with life, one week I was doing it without COVID, the next week I was doing it with COVID, what difference did it make? It only changed what things the body could or could not do.

Then maybe around end of July, some old familiar painful patterns came up again. Stuff lying dormant, old hurts, resentments, guilt and stuff. I was thinking about stuff I suppose I hadn't processed and found some new ways to be angry and hurt about it. Lol. Maybe stuff from back in January when I had that horrible horrible horrible time. Owie! Best way to describe it is like, I was in calm waters, and then suddenly, out of nowhere, I'm hit by a tsunami! So i figured, it's a good time to start practicing again.

So week of August 5 when I finally started practicing again - First practice out the gate was awful. I was in the midst of swirling around in mental anguish dealing with my resentments that had suddenly cropped up and left me feeling angry. So that all came onto the cushion with me. So I mostly was spending the sit itself trying not to think about and resolve stuff or stew in it, but move constantly back toward noting and mindful of whatever was going on. I guess my mind got tired of wasting its time circling round and round the same old issues with basically no resolution, and I finally relaxed some mentally and emotionally.

Subsequent sits were much calmer, and I started feeling buzzy feelings in my head that made me wonder if I am heading to A&P stuff again. Too soon to tell that stuff, I'm not sure what to expect at this point, I'll just keep practicing and see what happens. I'm about to go and practice right now. I swear I will quit my job if I can't get any sort of consistency going finally lol (only half-joking...) Maybe I will just deploy the "Seinfeld strategy".

Equanimity can be a vast nana. One challenge we all have is that most adults live in a kind of problem-finding and problem-solving mode, so we're naturally more able to look at difficulties and deal with them. The no-problemness of equanimity is so surreally different that we can feel like the problem is done and there is nothing more do...

The real trick to EQ is to get as curious about the EQ stuff as we did when investigating dark night stuff. What is the experience of "ease" what is "lightness" what is "not worrying" what is "teflon coated mind" what is "calm" what is "not feeling like I need to practice" what is... etc. 

In otherwords, we need to become a master of noticing EQ sensations, emotions, and thoughts --- even though the sensations are kind of generally "fine" and the emotions are kind of "chill" and the thoughts are kind of "vague and dreamy" --- but there is actually a lot of sublty to detect if we vipassanize EQ.

Once we see that even EQ is a state-like experience (it can be recognized as a state of being in EQ) --- then the deep deep deep question has a chance to hit us: if even EQ is a state, then it isn't me either --- what is this "I" that seems to "have" and "go through" the nanas?

In the dark night we focus on this I-ness because it seems like the I is suffering. In EQ there is actually the subtle tension of duality that is there, but it's easy to overlook because in comparison to the dukka nanas, EQ is paradise. But EQ meditations can get very very interesting, especially when we look for the "I" sensations that still exist in EQ.

A funny one is "what is this I that doesn't want to practice?"    That investigation can take you all the way to arhatship

Hope this helps in some way, definitely go at the pace that feels right and use the practice that seems most relevant!

Thank you, I'm still bad about getting into EQ and sort of just indulging, I mean, it sure feels a lot better lol. Versus, getting curious and continuing the same kind of investigation of it.

When you say "Equanimity can be a vast nana" do you mean it's because there is so much to experience/explore there? And/or that it can last a very long time compared to other nanas? Or something else?

Vast in both senses, it can take a long time and there is a lot to see --- of course, no one knows how it will go for any one person...

In EQ, we're drawn more an more into relaxing within experience, but as a result we see more and more subtle ways we resist relaxing. And it's very easy to stagnate, not make "progress", unless there is consistent practice (like "if you are not swimming upstream, the river will push you back downstream").

Afterall, SE is a pretty big deal. So it doesn't come easy. That doesn't mean it's "hard" but it isn't easy. 

That's why it's really important to "own" our practice if that's what we choose to do. Sometimes life requires something different from us and so we need to put practice on hold, but if we're going to decide to practice, then we have to practice consistently --- otherwise it's like going into the gym once a month and lifting weights, we'll just get sore occasionally and never stronger. 

And it's really important to know that you don't need to meditate to live a good life, either. There are plenty of good and meaningful things to do with our time.  If we listen to our conscience, we can tell if we're making the right choices (listening not our worries/fears, but to our heart). 

Thank you. I'm glad for my hiatus because it showed me I can a live a very happy, normal life without meditation. But also made it clear that there will always be something pushing me back to this path. Can't stay away for long.

8/18
I sat for an hour.

8/19
I meditated today even though I felt like I should finish up a work thing first. Turns out the work stuff could actually wait. It was a good sit.

8/20
I sat today for 45 minutes. Easy good sit. Relaxing and noticing subtle resistances to whatever was arising. 

8/21
No real formal sit because I commuted to my office and my kid had a new activity start today so it sure was a packed day. I did meditate before bed while falling asleep. More informal.

8/22
Last night, I was wide awake in the middle of the night for no reason I could think of. Just very awake, sleeping less. Vivid dreams.

Feeling more spacy and spacing out today. Very difficult to stay focused on things and I feel drawn back to spacing out. It feels good, it's also very familiar, I have experienced this before. Energy sort of dissipates if I try to direct it toward something. If I try to focus on something my focus is quickly scattered or pushed to the edges. Just want to veg out and stare off into space.

I sat today for 1 hour. Noticing resistance, it comes in all different flavors and feelings and sensations, it seems to build up, crescendo, then if I simply sit with it and let it be and note the various sensations it breaks. It is like it gets stuck on something, almost "dammed up" and then, it will break with noting. Then that repeats with some new resistance. Overall in this sit a more negative flavor to things. Some boredom/tedium/wanting to get up.

I am very much liking the occasional tonglen-like practice. I bring that out for a few specific emotions or sensations from time to time within a sit. Overall still mostly noting with occasional labeling or even "just sitting" if that feels right.

I am inspired by the idea of, "the busier you are, the more you need to meditate." ha. I do not know where that originated but I have seen it around I think as a quote or a story. I think of that any time I think I'm too "busy" to meditate or think I'll get to it later. This week is very busy with work, yet somehow everything is still getting done... INCLUDING meditation this time.

"But also made it clear that there will always be something pushing me back to this path. Can't stay away for long."

Dukkha is such a bitch ... or a dick not to be sexists But it does have the power to move our ars back onto the cushion!

When I commuted to my work back in 2011 it took me one hour of train drive. I would set my alarm for 45 minutes and do Shamatha as in Calm Abiding. (basically knowing I breathe in and knowing I breathe out ... get lost and notice it and go back to knowing the breathing and calming the body with each in and outbreathing)

I have to drive (30-45 minutes each way) so I'm not sure what I can do while driving. I don't listen to any music or audiobooks or anything, I am a weirdo who prefers total silence while driving lol. All I really do is watch my thoughts and the road.

​​​​​​​I do need to figure something out for the days I commute. I have some ideas. Obviously though if I have the time to commute for a total of 1-1.5 hours one day a week, then I MUST have time to meditate for 1-1.5 hours on the days I don't commute! Can't get out of that one haha.

I used to drive to and from work, too. What I would do is play the attention game: how consistently could I stay undistracted and focused on the now, the driving experience? I'd also note the impermanence of my driving experiences and the almost fully automatic nature of "my" actions while driving.

Several times I've been driving (Varmland to Malmo) for 7 hours in one go and would recite Om Tare Tu Tare Ture Soha for the entire journey. The drive would pass very fast. As if it was two hours and not 7. 

I'm just dropping in late to say. Giving up meditation is so EQ. It happens lol !!

"It happens lol !!"

Shit does too

Thanks all for the ideas! Gonna try this on my next commute.

8/23
I sat today, but I didn't take any notes.

8/24
I am easily irritated... yesterday and today. I'm not sleeping so well. I'm tired of being tired, of waking up not well-rested and being more irritable and forgetful. I'm feeling tired of a lot of stuff.

In my sit I experienced feelings of remorse... Feeling guilty for judgments of others. For being so irritated by stuff. Feeling heaviness of the emotions and the sensations. The way I felt just earlier when I was irritated and angry, I don't wanna feel that way anymore. I noted, I allowed. No fixing. No planning. Just allowing.

After the sit, I am feeling like... Everything's fine, I guess. It kind of feels not fine, though. But in a way I can't quite identify. It's weird and vague, and okay but also not okay.

I want to give up on having problems with things. I'm so tired and bored of having problems with things. I'm weary of it, I'm exhausted, yawn, been there done that. Ready! To! Be! Done!

8/25
I sat today, 1 hour. I remember feeling a heaviness in the chest, sadness, and also a strong desire to just be free - generally free of any and all burden. I noted thoughts about things in life and people being a burden. Later I noted lots of thoughts about being angry about stuff. I'm angry I'm no good at meditation, I'm angry I'm wasting time here, I'm angry about being angry, I'm angry that I think I'm no good at meditation when clearly I'm not THAT bad at it... lol. It's all good, they are just thoughts.

For the last 15 minutes it was very hard to keep sitting. So I asked, what is the I that doesn't want to meditate? I could feel the discomfort of the mind wanting the satisfaction of a clear and definitive answer and not getting it. Noted.

The last five minutes felt very "blank" in a way, much quieter and it seemed as though there was a lack of something that was there for the first 55 minutes of the sit and then not there the last 5 minutes but I couldn't tell what it was. I just noted this "blankness" "foggy" "lack" "vague" along with other stuff.

8/26
I sat 1 hour today but did not take notes immediately after. I remember feeling like I was falling asleep several times but no head drops and I was alert, though relaxed. Also, the more relaxed I got I started having some weird subtle visions and sounds, none of it really that clear - sort of like when you are falling asleep and you hear brief vague snippets of sounds - and visions sort of like just seeing shapes in the darkness. I remember "seeing" my head open up, and someone looking around inside before putting it back together again lol... Just kinda weird vague stuff.

8/27
Still sleeping poorly. I was awake at 2am getting upset about stuff... But by the time I woke up later in the morning I had calmed down and realized that, although much of that stuff does indeed bother me, none of it was as a big of a deal or as serious as my sleep-deprived mind made it out to be at 2am.

I sat today for 1 hour, let me try to remember stuff... I got some subtle skin tingles and saw my familiar blobby wavy shapes, closer to the end of the sit after I was very calm and relaxed into the sit yet remaining alert and noting (without labeling). I feel like I keep having very subtle but uncomfortable feeling of chills. These "chills" are so subtle that they almost feel more mental than physical.

After the sit, I am feeling just a bit of yearning for just a little bit more practice, to build more momentum. That's it, really, nothing heroic, I've got some resolve and I just feel like capitalizing on it. I just don't feel I can just totally "stop" at the end of 1 hour.

Also, I have been using a meditation timer that plays a bell every five minutes and I think that is really helping me to stay alert and focused, and helping to avoid mind wandering and distraction. I should've done that a long time ago! Somehow, I had this dumb idea in my head that it's not good if you need to rely on bell sounds to stay alert... so, I got over that.

To stay ALERT during the sit note 1-10 matter-of-fact experiences per second. Waste not the time set aside for "good work to be done"! Srew the bell! 

"sleeping poorly" try turn your head where your feet are usually. Works wonders for me when I can't sleep. I assume it has something to do with the Moon phase or what not. 

Best wishes Ashley!

I am finding myself more likely to be still noting when the bell chime comes around versus finding I was distracted, at least!

As for sleep, my doctor thinks I may have sleep apnea... and/or some neurological sleep problem... but I coudn't get an appointment for a sleep study until January! But in the meantime, I will try just about anything to get better sleep lol. My "sleep toolbox" has even more in it than my yogi toolbox.

Sleep: no alcohol, no caffeine, no lights in bedroom at night, 

Also... I find periods of sleeping poorly can ease up with time. 

I think you're a good meditator, just stop quitting when you get to EQ.

I love doing a commited morning practice and finding time somewhere later in the day to do a more casual practice. Like it's cool if it's 10 mins, a half an hour or whatever. 

I have been sleeping better the last few nights which is nice! I think I'm a fine meditator, but any time there is any tiny doubt about anything, my mind sometimes tries to turn it into some drama instead of just letting it pass lol

I'll consider two sits per day, I have more space in my schedule again now that we've hired more people at work. People at my work also really like to generate a lot of "false urgency" so, I'm not buying into that anymore lol.

8/28
I didn't do a formal sit today, it was a commute day, and I haven't yet found a good time to fit in 1 hour sit on these days. But, I did at least try staying present on my commute. And I had several long periods of forgetting that that's what I was trying to do. lol. But it is interesting to see how automatic driving is.

8/29
Hmm things are feeling kind of exciting in a way. Some feeling of anticipation. I have a little more energy again. Things feel a little easier. I slept better. Feeling a bit of relief from recent worries, fears, unhappy thoughts, bothersome situations. I am not feeling the usual stress and pressure... that general, pervasive pressure to be productive and perfect and get the right things done. I don't even have that "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling.

Today is more inquiry-heavy, like, I was noticing that I was staying more present with things even off-cushion, and I was not getting so lost or involved in "me" and "my stuff". So then, that begs the question, what is this "I" that is separate from the "me" and can be at times involved or uninvolved in "me" and "my stuff"? It's like implying there is both a "me" and an "I", and the "me" isn't really what I am, but I still feel like an "I", and what is THAT? So, more drawn inward today, feeling very curious.

In today's sit, feeling more of that excitement and energy. Then feeling okayness. I realized something about the passing of time. If I am waiting for something, feeling the passing of time, it means I am resisting what is, not accepting things the way they are right now. With full acceptance of whatever is here right now, just as it is, there is no need for the passing of time.

Near the end of the sit, my mind was being kind of annoying and fretting over mapping and fear of losing progress/falling back. Thoughts about circling through the same stuff, over and over, no real way to get relief or permanent escape from any of it. I just let it be and noted more.

I did a second sit, and I can't remember anything that stood out, but I felt I had a good balance between effort/investigation and calm/concentration.

8/30
This morning I have that extra energy again and feeling of mild elation and it is hard to stay still. Feeling like my heart is much more open, as though I am in touch with emotions again that I have not felt in a very long time. I feel normal and happy. Life feels simple, meditation is simple.

In today's sit: Just calm simple happy. Happy for no reason. I sat about 1 hour and 20 minutes. Felt again something similar to falling asleep but I was alert the whole time. Very consistent with noting. Statue still. Space face and mild tingly sensations. I reached that point where the mind finally quiets down and things are more directly experienced. Gotta sit long enough to move beyond the level of the mind/analytical thinking. Can sometimes take a while to sink deeper into that. Everything is very "clear" simply due to directly experiencing it, even when it may NOT be clear to the mind, or may be confusing if there is any mind activity generated about it. Relaxing. Dropping effort. No analyzing, just noting. It's so simple! 

8/31
1 hour sit today. Relaxed more and more with things, still noting, getting more into direct experience. And, I reached that knot of tension/effort at the center, that I have felt before... and moved more to dropping effort, experiencing the sensations around the tension/effort, letting go of even the "effort" to drop effort.

Three cheers for discipline, three cheers for consistent practice!

9/1
Today's sit felt kind of... vague. Ambiguous. Subtle negative stuff. Clear and obscure, at the same time, somehow? Something about the sit was vague and elusive... hard to articulate... sorry for my vague vagueness...

9/2
1 hour sit. Nothing much... I mean... There was plenty to note, non-stop sensations occurring... Very neutral overall. Quiet mind... Or at least, more in the background... Like walking through a fog but everything's clear. Kinda like, I'm wandering without any specific purpose or destination, just see whatever's here now. Super calm, relaxing, except sometimes it just feels like WORK! I'm not doing anything, why does it feel like effort to just sit and be? This was really noticed closer to the end of the sit, after looking more inward. Mostly non-verbal questioning, but it was along the lines of - why does it feel like work, why's there this sense of effort, what is the work, what's here doing the work? Noticing moments where that work/effort drops away and everything seems to lift up and lighten up, then effortful-feeling again. And, just continuing noting, as always.

9/3
I sat for an hour. Lots of negative!

Very close to the end of the sit, probably even the last 5 minutes, I recall feeling a strong determination, like I MUST keep going, keep sitting. Then, soon after I felt a very subtle relief and lightness. Everything from the sit that had seemed sorrowful, weighty and intense, now seemed trivial, it lost its feeling of significance and intensity. And then I thought, ah, it's okay to end my sit now! HA! No, I kept sitting for the last 5 minutes, even though there was this relief and lightness and it seemed unnecessary to keep sitting.

Anyway, the A&P-like "high on life" stuff seems to have passed, feel like I've had a mix of stuff, I mean, I know at-home practice is pretty messy and at times even unmappable. But anyway, I won't quit practice this time, wherever I go next.

9/4
I sat for 1 hour and 10 minutes.
I recall initially feeling unsettled, things were calm but with this undercurrent of unease. Difficulty fully relaxing. Feeling things were a bit scary like, too uncertain, not sure where I will end up if I continue.

Over the course of the hour things settled slowly, bits of subtle negative stuff here and there, nothing really overtly pleasant-feeling, majority neutral stuff. By the end of the sit, very very very relaxed and peaceful. Mind very very quiet, very much receded. Some verbal thoughts, more non-verbal thoughts, images, urges, emotions, yadda yadda.

Lots of peace, more neutral though, not feeling super pleasant, pretty basic, normal.

Kinda glad I'm done with the excess energy, those feelings of elation and joy, like, they are just too much, unsustainable, I'll take the neutral, plain, basic, over that stuff any day. I don't like feeling "high on life" all the time, been there done that, it passes.

9/5
I continue to be pleasantly surprised by how unbothered I am by stuff in daily life. How unruffled my feathers are. It's peaceful. Things go on as they always would have, just without my extra unnecessary and usually unhelpful reactionary stuff. 

I did sit today, but, kind of three shorter sits. Maybe 20-30 minutes each time. Just couldn't get any to a full hour.

The idea of "listening for distant ships in the harbor" (from Kenneth Folk) kept coming to mind, so I thought, sure, I'll apply that. Resulting in deeper listening/noting, paying more attention. It wasn't my intention going into the sits to apply that idea but I went with it since it occurred to me. I like it as a way to reinvigorate noting if I've stalled or notice I've been distracted.

9/6
I sat 1 hour, even though I thought I was too busy and didn't have time. So, I sat anyway. Not much to share, mostly because I didn't take notes right after... Several times was seeing those blobby wavy shapes appear, they appear automatically when I'm very deeply relaxed and calm and have a good pace of noting going. I guess it was just mostly neutral, with pockets of stronger emotions and urges that surge up and then fade away. Oh right, I remember that to keep things from getting too dull, I started trying to notice any time I was trying to fix, change, or manipulate anything in my experience... this is never anything overt, it's noticed as subtle, non-verbal urges... almost like I just have a "feel" for the resistance/manipulation that is before even thought.

Just for fun, as a sort of inquiry practice (i.e. open to the wonder of the question, don't strive to answer it intellectually): maybe ask, "what is it that notices being unruffled?"

Can inquiry practice and noting practice be mixed in the same sit? Or is it better to practice each separately? Or maybe it's not so black and white.

I think they can be mixed, basically note until EQ and then when there is sort of a plateau experience of unruffledness, ask "what is it that notices unruffledness?" or "what is the mind that notices the mind is unruffled?".

Hope this helps.

9/7
Didn't really sit today... I was visiting family and it ended up being a full day. I tried to throw in some informal noting or mindfulness off-cushion.

9/8
I sat for 1 hour.

It started out difficult to sit, easily distracted, thinking, desire to move and get up, restless.
Feeling bothered and irritated by noisy people, when something irritates me, I have a clenching in my gut, I inhale and exhale sharply, and I flare my nostrils... just want them to be quiet!
Getting more deeply relaxed, settling in.
At some point, there was an obvious shift to a new/different state (everything felt more smooth and flowy feeling, light tingling all over but especially face and hands)
Then just feeling normal, very normal, so normal it felt like I wasn't really meditating anymore! Like hey, who turned off my meditation?? haha but no, I was still doing the same, gentle noting without labeling, occasional inquiry.

9/9
Okay I did sit today, probably an hour, but also forgot to take notes. However I do remember one thing from the sit, I just remember late in the sit feeling a subtle build up of pressure in my ears and then very faint almost imperceptible ringing in my ears. Usually when this happens it's very brief, but this time it was sustained for some time. Maybe it was just an air pressure change, haha! But, it's all I remember about the sit.

Before sleep this night I decided to meditate while falling asleep. I always get the funniest feeling shifts meditating like this - laying down in the dark and quiet. Sudden changes in clarity, how things look and feel. Sorry to be non-specific but I think I could only best describe any particular shift if I wrote about it right after it happened; remembering details the next morning is hard. This was pretty informal and short "sit" anyway. I would love to do a full hour sit before bed, and I thought, maybe if I can get my sleep fixed following my sleep study in January, I might be capable of doing that. We'll see.

9/10
Sat 1 hour. Pleasant and peaceful to begin with. Felt like I'm tapped into the continual flow and changing of sensations, it feels good to flow with it. Feel more locked into it, into the present moment, moment to moment.

Then started to feel a little trapped, stuck, uncomfortable. Like the pale yellow blankness of the visual field (eyes closed) was enclosing me and pressing in on all sides. Feeling nervous.

Then the changing of sensations were less smooth and flowy and more distinct. Sensations took on a more trembly/shaky sort of feel (very subtle though). Then the trembly/shaky sensation seemed to seep into the body from bottom to top.

This (very subtle) trembly/shaky feeling, along with visual wavy blobby shapes which appeared around same time, continued for a while.

Kind of ended the sit feeling uncomfortable. You know how the body reacts automatically to sudden sounds/visuals - that doesn't usually bother me, it's just part of what gets noted, but in this moment it felt very uncomfortable to experience that. Did not like the lack of control and that I have no control whether or NOT the body reacts, or how it reacts!

I had a second 1 hour sit that was just mostly calm, neutral, not much to say... I can't say that anything in particular stood out.

Maybe taking a low or high dose of psychedelics might be interesting when you have time for a longer meditation session.

Interesting recommendation... any particular reason you are suggesting this?

Not sure how to interpret the "interesting" . If you think it's a bad idea definitely mention, it's not about me ^^.

Current situation as far as I am aware: Somewhere before streamentry, sometimes hitting EQ.

* Shrooms seem to cause fast cycling if given to people with a path (I would like some data for what happens with 1st path people stuck in DN of 2nd path) and I assume the no-self people report on shrooms before streamentry is a shift in the direction of EQ/awareness instead of attention.
* There can be a nice letting go on shrooms which might be helpful.
* Increased entropy for the mind to figure out those last steps.
* Even if it doesn't do much the contrast created by shrooms compared to normal experience I think can be very interesting to analyze both consciously and subconsciously.
* I think someone who has gotten to EQ is in a good place to try shrooms. Or better than someone before A&P.
* Excuse for a longer meditation session ;)
* Trips might dissolve some kind of believe which is stopping things

One thing which could be fun is seeing it as a magical ritual with a storyline ending in streamentry. Take two smaller doses to get used to it and prepare yourself on a Saturday then a bigger dose two weeks later. If it succeeds great. If it doesn't and it's disappointing it might be a good learning moment.

Someone who hasn't tripped before might end up dealing with content instead of watching vibrations but that could be fun or interesting or awful as well. It might be a good idea to give oneself a decent amount of time to chill out and enjoy things and then start focusing on vibrations. I don't know much about how exactly the meditation before streamentry looks though.


Negatives:
Ofc. some danger, read about tripping, dosage, drug interactions, how to get good drugs ...
Possibly slightly disempovering if one gets streamentry on shrooms, review phase could take care of that, also a learning opportunity and it's not like one does "get" streamentry.

In my mind psychedelics (for me mostly shrooms) are just another tool similar as coffee or amphetamines might be used with low energy/focus.

Warning: My most traumatic shroom/meditation experience was getting caught of guard by fear and getting stuck there on a high dose of shrooms after having some kind of path moment somewhere in 3rd. Just smth. to always remember positive vibes, A&P followed by dissolution (look out for the dissolution yawn) will be followed by fear which has nothing to do with reality instead notice the shift in the focus of attention from A&P, to dissolution to fear.

that seems like a better explained recommendation, thanks!

Thank you for the suggestion and for providing a detailed explanation! 

​​​​​​​At this time, I'm not interested in psychedelics or anything like that (I would have no clue where/how to obtain them anyway) - I will stick with plain ol' meditation

thumbs up!

Sounds like a good plan

You/(not you) got it .

Should you ever need an idea for where to get some. I am sure people would be able to point you somewhere.

9/11
Sat 40 minutes. combo sitting and walking. calm, relaxed, neutral, subtle.

Sat another 55 minutes later... harder to stay alert, I was mind wandering more. Feel like I'm trying too hard AND not trying hard enough at the same time. Can't seem to perceive stuff too directly or clearly. Sensations seem difficult to access. Everything's so blank or something. Perceptions of sensations feel vague, distant, difficult to see. Total lack of clarity and preciseness to them. Foggy, vague. feeling very "around the outside" rather than "centered" on stuff.

9/12
I had a terrible night. Totally triggered by stuff. Things are bad. Hating my life and being just like so upset with someone and disappointed in how things have turned out and are turning out in life. This is basically the worst it gets for me - the mental and emotional turmoil. The sinking into despair and wondering how it got so bad.

I feel like I cannot stop my mind thinking about it all. If I want to sit and meditate my mind and thinking are sucked into all this awful stuff. Very mind stormy. Unpleasant. Depressing and feels like I'll just forever end up here again and again.

In today's "sit" I just felt really bad mostly and struggled with my mind storming about stuff, in between attempting to note. More the former than the latter. Anyway, I "sat" just now for 55 minutes, mostly not meditating lol. Sometimes it just be like that.

I was thinking how stupid it is that I can go from feeling literally high on life, calm, at peace, to being frustrated and stressed and so disappointed! I was outside earlier and it was a windy day and I felt like I just wanna sit outside in nature and let the breeze ventilate my mind and carry all this stuff away.

9/13
I sat two times. eh. I'm just a big ol' suffer fest. sorry for lack of details beyond that.

9/14
I didn't sit today.

9/15
1 hour 20 minute sit. Lots of negative, getting stuck and dragged into thinking and arguing and defending in my head. Kinda horrible but I just got back to noting any time I noticed I was distracted or stewing in stuff. And I included all the negative and arguing and stewing in noting when I was aware of it. I was finally able to just have periods of pure noting meaning just looking at the sensations themselves and not the content, you know it can be so hard when you get swept up into personal conflict that has real consequences to you in daily life, but I was finally able to really just note the terrible and awful sensations just as they were.

I'm kind of feeling numb and defeated, I sure did note desire for eq a lot in this sit. I wish I could bless everyone with eq. Like even if you're deep in despair and misery, at least have yourself some eq, right?? Better than nothin'.

9/16
I had another big upset with my spouse... Somehow I still sat for meditation anyway... sorry about no notes. I mean, it was probably just more of the same - all negative! And a constant redirecting back to noting if/when I was distracted thinking about personal issues.

9/17
I feel destroyed, defeated. I give up, for real this time. I'm not going to let my fighting ego get up again, ever again. I am experiencing a significant amount of stress... Somehow still hoping the last bits of stuck mental thinking loops have spun themselves out already.

I actually have a high desire to sit right now, I feel very strongly drawn to investigating and noting all the many sensations underlying the stressful feelings, emotions, thoughts, etc. In the midst of suffering a gamut of conflicting and overwhelming emotions and frustrations and sadness, I am suddenly fascinated by and interested in just sitting with all this stuff. Letting it dance and move around in my body and my mind. Fascinating, albeit painful to endure. I just want to be done with drama and thinking and spinning and fuming and shame spiraling and arguing and defending and discussing and I just don't care to continue it at all, I am done.

9/18
I sat 45 minutes today. Like yesterday, I managed to sit with everything and have good practice again, amidst the bad.

9/19
So, I went to my doctor today to request a referral to a therapist. 'Cause this past week has been overwhelmingly awful, and I finally just wanted extra support in dealing with everything. And he gave me SO much good advice, and new perspectives on stuff, that by the end of the visit, we decided I can hold off on therapy for now. Also... I likely have ADHD, apparently. So that would explain... A LOT. Guess I will be starting treatment for that soon to really confirm it.

I didn't sit today, I was focused on just trying to get my life back on track a little... Which in turn will help keep my meditation practice on track. Doctor's advice is already helping, things are verrrryyyy slowly on the mend with my spouse, and, on I go, back to practice... Thus concludes a very exhausting, whirlwind week!

Ugh, sounds very difficult.

I wish it wasn't this way, but a lot of time we get some clairity through meditation or perspective... and then problems come out of the woodwork. A sort of two steps forward and one step back kind of thing. For me, it was almost like my mind had to find a bit of sanity before some long simmering problems rose to the surface and had to be dealt with. (Basically, I was repressing/denying/delaying dealing with problems...)

Anyway, just an expression of encouragement from me!  Sounds like you are taking ownership and actively working on solutions --- that's awesome.

Best wishes for you and your life getting back on track!! 

>I feel destroyed, defeated. I give up, for real this time. I'm not going to let my fighting ego get up again, ever again. I am experiencing a significant amount of stress... Somehow still hoping the last bits of stuck mental thinking loops have spun themselves out already.

It might come up again at least that happens for me still all the time (the same thing that fuelled my practice now hindering it). A profound giving up can be a huge progress which the ego can then try to own again ;)


> So, I went to my doctor today to request a referral to a therapist. 'Cause this past week has been overwhelmingly awful, and I finally just wanted extra support in dealing with everything. And he gave me SO much good advice, and new perspectives on stuff, that by the end of the visit, we decided I can hold off on therapy for now. Also... I likely have ADHD, apparently. So that would explain... A LOT. Guess I will be starting treatment for that soon to really confirm it.>


Both therapy as well as ADHD medication can be super life changing (and help with meditation a lot). For quite a few people in my friend group including myself it took until their late twenties when they were e.g. finishing their PHDs to finally get a diagnosis because they could just get through life on their intelligence without believing teachers or other people that they have a problem.

Good luck like always. One of the nice things about spiritual practice and then visible everywhere in life is that down can actually up and up be down

Re-reading or listening to Daniels chapter about Re-observation might also be nice indepedent of where specifically you are. I just did and already feel better.

+1!

Thank you! Yes, repressing/denying/delaying dealing with problems is basically exactly what I was doing LOL so the problems came to me instead. blerg. Things are going pretty well now, though.

Thanks for the support! Agreed that down can actually be up (and vice versa).

I will re-read the Reobs chapter, it has been a while since I read any MCTB2.

9/20
Generally calm sitting still. The negative lost its intensity but ya know it's still there. 

Mind so much calmer, more quiet, after the sit. Markedly quieter. I think the quiet and calm was felt more strongly in contrast to all the recent terribleness.

9/21
At this point, I've done enough thinking about my personal issues and how to resolve things, now it's mostly just rehashing and spinning in circles or ruminating, all unproductive. Let's be honest, it was a lot of unproductive thinking before, too, but I think the productive part of it is all done for now. Maybe there will be a time for productive thinking again, but for now, I'm using grounding techniques, counting breaths, and mindfulness to redirect away from useless thinking and stay more present. 

Things are not all hunky dory, but it hasn't been very long, yet.

I sat 50 minutes. Very calm, relaxed. There were four kids running all around the house the whole time and I was as calm as if there were silence in the house. lol.

9/22
I sat 50 minutes. No notes. I cut it short of an hour because my children demanded my attention lol.

9/23
1 hour 15 minute sit. There is still a lot of discomfort. Both mental and physical. I'm not finding it easy right now to describe my sit at all. I sat very still though for the most part. Not really any point I wanted to get up or end the sit early. At some point sensations seemed much more jarring and a little chaotic I guess but that's the only thing I can remember that stands out. Just noting. More of physical sensations/outer stuff.

At least, my personal life is improving. I am about to just put off work even more and just meditate more because I still cannot handle my work right now.

9/24
1 hour 10 minute sit. Pretty calm and still. Surfing the mind-body stream, I don't think I can say much else! Definitely periods of feeling still as a statue, thoughts very quiet/receding and just... being with whatever is there. No thoughts or analyzing, just direct experiencing. Very simple stuff. When it is subtle and simple and no active thinking I find it hard to say much more.

Off-cushion life/work still feels like a bit of a mess and a struggle. Kind of wish I could just dump it all (well, dump work, not the family) and really get into meditation more and for longer.

Meditation is feeling good even if underlying body sensations might feel kind of bad due to lingering work/life stress. Off-cushion now I seem to feel calmer and less worried about stuff.