Starting log #4.

Link of last message in log #3:
RE: Barros's Pratice Log #3 - Discussion - www.dharmaoverground.org

DAY 2024-10-01

I meditated for an hour. I started with the phase of control and ease. Comparing how, in the beginning, it’s easy. How, at the start, everything is broad. How, in the beginning... it’s easy to follow the instructions and guidelines of what should be done, how the practice should be conducted. It feels like everything is under control. Then, the phase of dullness comes. Out of nowhere, it appears. After some time, it shows up. And then, there is darkness, a short memory. I can’t keep the instruction under control. Sometimes, if I’m just noting, just experiencing, I want to insert the instruction to accept and experience. But then, an image comes, a lucid dream, a small daydream, and I lose control. Afterward, the awareness returns, but that’s how the dullness phase is. Deep down, I keep wanting to note, feeling like I need to note. Dusko talks a lot about this: "you have to note, you have to note." But this phase of dullness is very difficult. I have no control, and sometimes I forget the instruction, and then I’m in a daydream, in a lucid dream. Well, then I regain awareness, I start noting again, I try to anchor myself in the body sensations. I put effort into trying to note, but after a while, I lose it again. And so it goes; I managed to continue like that as much as possible.

Hello Andre.
If you are interested in reading about this from a few different perspectives, then this post and replies to it are very informative.
​​​​​​​https://www.reddit.com/r/midlmeditation/comments/13qc2cg/please_help_with_strong_dullness/

Hi Adi.

From what I read, the idea is very similar to what Dusko has been telling me. For example, opening my eyes and noting out loud. I've done that already (a few times) and I'm thinking of trying it again. I still intend to keep trying the way I've been doing it for a while longer. But if it gets too stagnant (for about 3 months), then I'll really go back to trying Dusko's method.

​​​​​​​Thanks for the tip!

DAY 2024-10-02 I meditated for an hour. I started with the intention of putting more energy, more effort, trying to balance relaxation. I have the hypothesis that I am still relaxing more than putting in effort. Effort in the sense of trying to make notes, observe, and show more interest. Today, I used my upright posture as a base. My intention was not to let it relax. Everything else could relax, except my posture. So, I focused a lot on the upright position of my spine. I observed the sensations in my body and stayed aware of my spine. It was always there, keeping me vigilant about my posture and energy. This didn’t change the situation in terms of going through the dullness phase. I could see my mind becoming dark, my memory shorter, but I still had the instructions present, I didn’t forget them, which I think is the most important. Sometimes, in the dullness, I forget and lose consciousness, but today my awareness was very strong, always remembering, coming back, vigilant of my upright posture. I noticed images, but they didn’t turn into dreams. There was some tension, but I just let it go. I accepted it, keeping the intention of seeing how this new balance of effort and relaxation would perform. I thought it was a good experience; I maintained my awareness and energy. The dullness was present, but shallower, weaker. I plan to do this for at least a week and see the results.

There was a mistake here, and I corrected it. The correct version is:​​​​​​​
"I noticed images, but they didn’t turn into dreams."

I think I understand now what you mean by "became dreams". Its what I call a "realm/trance" when certain experiences cause entrance into a realm of sorts. Lets say there is a sound contacting my hearing and then there is a cognizing that "its my family making the noise" accompanied by a mind image of my kids playing on the floor in the other room. Now from this the attention can get sucked into a realm of sorts, a dream of sorts, it can develop into a storytelling that is maintained in a realm of sorts which can go into any direction or realms etc etc ... Basically such dream/realm is a trance state as the mind fixates so strongly into this one realm (at any given time) and excludes all else which might also be taking place at this time, but ignorance is overpowering wisdom (and both these arise on their own and are not part of our volition anyway so do not beat yourself about it)

Awakening is many small steps of realizing "oh I was utterly sucked into a dream/realm/trance, how lovely that I could actually see this and pull out into the all-encompassing awareness". The more we do this on the cushion, the more chance the wisdom will start overpowering ignorance with time and practice. The Rome was not built in one day  

Your practice is going well! Best wishes and straight ahead! 

Yes, Dusko. It’s similar to that. A kind of trance/dream. I come out of it and see that I was trying to fix something there (in that illusion). There is subtle dukkha there.

Thank you very much, my friend!

My teacher Kenneth Folk was telling me how the Realm/Dream is not an issue really, and with practice one can get to the point of basically deciding if one wants to commit to any particular realm or not. If yes, then I go "into it" and know it all, with all its "realness" and "passion" connected to it. If not then I decide not to commit to it and fall back into the Bardo of Awareness and see what else comes up (and come up it will as that is what Mind does), and on and on.

At some stage post-SE one can start toying more with these "Realm visitations" and explore them. Or investigate if these "Realms" even existed? If so then what makes me say that they have been real, etc ... Lots of fun! Or not  

However this is all farfetching and best is to keep it simple; one note per matter or fact experience, simple, itch, unpleasant, image, aversion, image, aversion, itch, ... 

I don't have to awaken to all this. Only the Mind has to awaken to all this. And the Mind is not I, me or mine.

Nice Dusko!

For now, I want to focus for a week on posture and on setting the notation slightly above my comfort zone. This will increase my energy and tension. In other words, I'm adjusting the effort vs. relaxation factor. I want to see if it will help.