2024-07-02

Today I meditated for an hour. I started by setting the intention to face difficulties with loving-kindness, to accept, to be present, to fully experience the difficulties, to understand them, and to have compassion for myself. I began by observing the mind and body, noting naturally without forcing it. Around 20 minutes in, I entered the phase of difficulty, losing control of the meditation, nothing too obvious, noting with difficulty, moments of awareness, moments of unawareness, moments of trance, moments of awareness where I could note better. I noticed myself coming out of the trance because there was discomfort, and then I went back to noting. I realized I was in the desire for liberation phase because I wanted to have control, the desire to leave the meditation, the desire to leave that state of difficulty, wanting to correct it, wanting to have control. And when I realized this, I thought, "Oh, I am in this desire for liberation phase." I started to let go, to relax, to release, trying to embrace the difficulty. At first, it came and went. I noticed discomfort, the desire to change, but this perception that I was there would return, and then I would let go, and the desire for liberation passed, leaving only confusion. So, it seems I was in re-observation. I noticed that experience repeating like being in a washing machine, spinning around inside. I only saw confusion, had no control over anything, but I no longer had the desire to control it. I did not have the desire to fix it, and I stayed there. This was in the last 10 minutes.

DAY 2024-07-03

Today I meditated for an hour. I started by relaxing my body and mind, with the purpose of being present, experiencing what I had to experience, facing what I had to face, without trying to change the situation. And today, I quickly reached access concentration. The centering was strong. I was more centered. I even thought I was going to experience more vipassana jhana than nanas because I was very centered. But around 20 minutes in, I started to notice my memory faltering, losing control, my vision becoming more blurred, my memory becoming shorter, remembering less about the investigations that had to be done. For example, I like to keep asking, who is meditating? Or, who is in control? Trying to perceive the sense of self, remembering the best notations according to the difficulty I am having. This type of instruction, then I start losing this control, this memory of what to do, what to investigate, how to behave. And I started losing this, which is the phase of difficulty that I have, it seems to be going towards the nana of re-observation, where we have no control, it seems to be spinning, spinning. But today, compared to yesterday, I had more control, I had more awareness. I had far fewer moments of unconsciousness. Today I had around 20 to 30% of unconsciousness. I had moments of desire for liberation, a desire for that confusion and discomfort to go away. I noticed many moments of aversion because of this. As we become aware, perceive the aversion, we change and accept the situation and then it gets better. But I can't get out of this.

Andre, are you pasting your comments into DhO from Word or some other text editor? The text size is extremely small and that's is probably caused by the text commands embedded by the processing app.

I copy directly from ChatGPT app and paste it here. Sometimes this happens, I notice it and correct it right away. I will try to be more careful next time. Thanks for letting me know!

DAY 2024-07-04

​​​​​​​Today I meditated for an hour. I started by observing the body and the mind. I quickly entered access concentration. I had a great firmness and courage to see and face difficulties, with a lot of determination, willpower, and courage. Around 20 minutes in, the sense of control started to diminish. That's fine. I'm used to it. I continued noting. I was aware. I noticed the field of vision narrowing, the control diminishing, and the memory of what to do fading, but I still knew what I had to do, which was to note and be present. I managed to do it. Today I used a teaching from Ajahn Chah, where, when something negative came up, like an expectation that I would become unconscious or have illusions, I said: uncertain. I could see the negative part of the mind and the positive part of the mind, which I clung to. I was firm with the positive part. I perceived the positive part of the mind. So I said uncertainty. And it was indeed uncertain. This gave a nice, positive perspective because there could be a thousand possibilities. Whereas when I looked at the other side, where I could become unconscious and end up dreaming, there was only that possibility, that negative. So saying it's uncertain gave a very nice perspective. And I became more and more positive and kept going. Despite seeing little and being really uncertain about what I was seeing, I had a certainty that I was there, conscious, and seeing it. And with that, I had much more awareness. I had few phases of unconsciousness. I still noted illusions, moments of wandering, and trance, but very few. I had greater moments of centering, of being absorbed. These were moments of freshness. Many moments of absorption. I had few moments of dukkha today. Many moments of consciousness. I think, towards the end, it was as if I was outside watching what was happening. It's like that simile where we talk about the washing machine, where you see your clothes, but then you see yourself outside of it.

DAY 2024-07-05

I meditated for an hour. I started by setting the intention to face difficulties. I quickly entered access concentration. During the first 20 minutes, I was in the control phase. I had several reminders of what to observe: posture, emotions, bodily sensations, mental objects. In short, I was in the control phase, and it was pleasant. Then, around 25 minutes in, I started entering the difficulty phase, losing control. I began to notice desires for change, wanting to fix things. I couldn't see much, so I just noted the difficulties and let go. I noted awareness, uncertainty, and discomfort. Towards the end, I started to feel bodily pains, wanting to adjust my spine. I let go. Illusions and thoughts came up. I started having more discursive thoughts, more in a trance. In the end, I regained more awareness. The discursive thoughts diminished. I was having more difficulty with physical sensations and pains. I noticed changes in the difficulty phase, with about four different phases of difficulty.

I forgot to mention that I was overwhelmed and confused by noting so many things arising. When I tried to step out of it and just let things be. I felt a relief.

Today I couldn't meditate.

DAY 2024-07-08
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Today I meditated for an hour. I hadn't meditated for two days because I had visitors at home and couldn't find the time. I knew today would be difficult, that concentration would be challenging. But I sat down with the intention of facing it. And so it was. Many moments of trance and unconsciousness. It seemed like I was 50% conscious and 50% unconscious. Coming and going, coming and going. When I was conscious, I noted sensations in the body, hearing, images, and thoughts. Then I would enter a trance again and come back. In the end, there were many body pains, in my legs, ankles, and knees. Around the 50-minute mark, I changed the position of my leg. But everything seemed very solid. Today I didn't notice any progress in the nanas. It seemed like everything was the same, not changing much. But I also noticed that the mind would become conscious on its own. There was no "me" behind it, no meditator, no one controlling it. It would come and go on its own. This was very clear. At least it was good today to realize that it works this way. Given the fact that I hadn't meditated for two days, it made the mind less trained to be more conscious. And it was a condition. It wasn't because I wanted it, whether I made an effort or not, it would change. It would come and go on its own.

DAY 2024-07-09 ​​​​​​
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Today, I meditated for an hour. I started by setting the intention to face my problems, to be present, and to accept whatever I had to face and experience. I quickly reached access concentration. Today, I was much more present than yesterday. I had 80% to 90% awareness of what I was experiencing. However, I did not enter the pleasurable relaxation phase. I was present. At one point, around 20 minutes in, I focused on my breath. My breath was very short, almost disappearing, very centered. Interestingly, there was no pleasure. It was as if I was disenchanted with what I was feeling, like eating delicious food while having a cold and not tasting it. It was neutral. I felt my breath, watched it, and it was short. But there was no pleasure in feeling the breath. There was also no freshness. I was neutral, disenchanted with it. Well, I continued. I kept noting and watching it. This phase lasted for most of the session. Around 40 minutes in, I felt a bit sleepy. It was boring. The meditation was uninteresting. I felt some aversion and discomfort. I noticed my posture was a bit slumped. I straightened my spine and breathed more deeply. It brought some energy but didn’t change much. It remained uninteresting and without pleasure. I kept noting and following. And I stayed like that.

May all beings be free from suffering. May all beings awaken. May all beings be happy. 

Hi Dusko! In the end I remember this and tried, but don't help so much. I will try to remember early. Thanks!

DAY 2024-07-10

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. I started by setting the intention to face difficulties. I also wished meta for all beings. I practiced some loving-kindness. Soon, I entered access concentration. Unlike yesterday, today I managed to feel some pleasure at the beginning. I was present, centered, somewhat absorbed by the breath. After 25 minutes, I entered the phase of difficulty. Boring meditation. Aversion. I began to note and observe it. Accept. Open up. Try to look at the difficulty differently, thinking that the mind doesn't know what is good for it. Intending that the worst sittings are the best because you learn more. That it is what I need to look at and see. I stayed there noting, observing it. I accepted more. I was more present. I had moments of just being with the breath. A certain freshness. Tranquil. Centered. And around 50 minutes, the pain in my leg was bothering me a lot. I decided to change position. And after that, there wasn't much discomfort. I looked at the mind, and there wasn't as much aversion. When there was, I would ask, who is feeling the aversion? I started doing that self-inquiry. And out of nowhere, without understanding why, it changed to not having aversion. I was tranquil, at peace. And I managed to stay until the end. There, present, just enjoying the moment.

Edited:
I would like to clarify that when I say I enter a moment of difficulty, it is actually a moment of lack of control. It is where I lose control. It is as if I become lost. There are moments when I feel haunted by not finding a self there. But at the same time, I know that this is the goal of meditation. So I try to relax and accept it. This is the way.

These days I started feeling the effects of DN during the day again (outside the cushion). They are lighter because I don't let my mind dwell on thoughts about the emotions I'm feeling. I notice the emotions and feel their reflection in my body, I try to let go or endure them, or I try to apply metta. But I don't let it turn into a narrative dramma, like "This life is worthless... etc.".

DAY 2024-07-11

​​​​​​​I did an hour of meditation. I started by observing the mind, which was a bit agitated. I let it calm down. I was watching the breath. Around 10-15 minutes in, I noticed I was just observing the breath, not noting, not doing any notation. Just observing. Then I started trying to note sounds, sensations, and emotions. Anyway, I started trying to note. But the mind was pulling more towards observing the breath. It was calm, it was peaceful, it was with full attention. So I followed, I let it be, I stayed there. It was under control. And around 30 minutes, I started to lose control. The mind started to get dull, with daydreams, a phase of difficulty. I tried to observe what was bothering the mind, so it wouldn’t try to change the situation. I saw that it was the lack of control that bothered me. So I tried to note that there wasn’t someone behind controlling it. That the mind entered and exited the daydream on its own. So I tried to notice this. And it started accepting, it started getting better. I became less bothered by the daydreams. More accepting. Then a slight pain in the leg appeared. I noticed discomfort with the leg pain. But again, I started to note it. It started accepting, started accepting. But it didn't change much. It stayed like that until the end. More accepting at the end. There were still daydreams, unconsciousness, lack of control, leg pain. And I kept working on this acceptance. Working, working on acceptance.

DAY 2024-07-12
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Today, I meditated for an hour. I started by reflecting on a text by Shargrol, where he says that awareness, mindfulness, is natural, does not depend on effort, and does not require effort. So today, I tried to sit and let things flow, trusting in my practice. Given the time I've already spent practicing, theoretically, I already have well-developed sati, good mindfulness. So I tried to let that flow. I tried to put in less effort. I sat with an upright posture, began observing my breath, and my mind and body started to relax. Around 10 minutes in, I noticed I was quite relaxed, and there was a dullness of the mind. I thought, I will let it be, let it flow. I want to experiment and see what happens. To see how far it goes. I need to stop trying to manipulate the meditation. So I let it flow. I saw my mind going in and out of daydreams. These daydreams were really unconscious, they were not thoughts. I wasn't rationalizing things. They were illusions created, like mini dreams. And always trying to solve something. I noticed when I came back, becoming aware again, that I was trying to solve something in the dream. But nothing to do with meditation. They were crazy things, like me trying to take care of a flower, something like that. At another time, it was something else. And so I went back and forth. Towards the end, around 50 minutes, I had pain in my leg. I changed position. I became a bit more aware, with fewer daydreams. But it didn't stray much from that. But I let it flow. I want to experiment more with this in the coming days. Letting it relax. So, I plan to continue doing this in the coming days and see what happens.

DAY 2024-07-13

​​​​​​​Today I did an hour of meditation. I sat down with the purpose of facing the difficulty of when I would reach the dullness phase, letting it be, without fighting it, without trying to get out of it. Letting it relax, letting it deepen, as much as it needed to deepen. But, right from the start, with access concentration, I was more energetic, calm, noting, noting well. Then I entered that phase of greater control, where I had memory of what I needed to investigate, memory of the instructions. And, around 25 minutes in, the dullness phase began. Difficulty seeing the instructions, I just knew I had to note, sometimes I didn't know anything, just confusion, daydreams, unconsciousness, trance. I saw an illusion, something trying to solve, trying to solve something in a dream. I would come back to consciousness. I had daydreams, and came back, several, I had several daydreams and came back. When I came back, I was aware of it, I noted it, I saw that I was trying to solve something within the daydream. And then, when I was conscious again, I noted sensations, images, saw that there were no negative emotions, trying to correct something. When I was conscious, I knew that was it, that was all there was, it was simple things to note, nothing too much. But then I went back to having daydreams. And around 45 minutes in, the confusion, the daydreams started to decrease, decrease, decrease and stopped. I was having awareness, and then I was just noting sensations, sounds, images, thoughts, but I was in control again, I got back to control. And I stayed there, there were no strong emotions, no desire to change, nothing pleasurable, there was a freshness, I looked at the breath, it was calm, there was a freshness, I stayed there. It seemed like low equanimity.

Remember that this stage is about learning to identify more with awareness than attention. The stage of difficulty with confusion, daydreams, etc. is when attention gets sloppy. But part of the mind knows that it's difficult, confused, daydream, etc.  So awareness is always aware, even if attention gets sloppy. If you are confused and know it as confusion, in a very deep way you are not confused

​​​​​​​There is a kind of background "wisdom mind" that is different than the mind-objects that appear in the mind. The wisdom mind is vast and can easly "hold" any experience, even difficulty, doubt, confusion, daydreams, trances, etc.   

In a sense, equanimity is when the person trusts the wisdom mind and is unshakable in their confidence that mind-objects never "impact" the background wisdom mind. Even the lack-of-confidence experience doesn't shake their deep confidence.

It's only when we get worried/scared, etc. that we think that somehow mind-objects can hit or hurt the background wisdom mind and we seem to "lose it". But eventually the mind is unshakable that there can be deep background equanimity with ANY experience that displays in the mind.

Wonderful stuff!! 

My main advice for this phase is keep meditating. Keep practicing everyday. 

If you cycle back into difficulty that's ok. 

​​​​​​​If you get bored that's ok. 

Yes. These last weekends I fault with practice and things get worse.

​​​​​​​Thanks Bahiya!

Yes. I have noticed that. It's like you said the other day, the mind naturally learns from constant exposure to it. It becomes familiar and stops being scared. But it's necessary to have a continuous practice, as Bahiya said.

​​​​​​​Thank you, Shargrol!

How many months have you been practicing every single day without skipping days? 

I mean while you've been on DhO. 

2024-07-14

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. I'll try to be more direct. I had the phase of control. I had the phase of difficulty around 30 minutes in. But it wasn't very deep. It wasn't that difficult. It was lighter today and shorter. And around 40 minutes in, I spent about 10 minutes in the phase of lack of control. But around 40 minutes in, I was having control again, awareness. Calm. It seemed like low equanimity. So, this final phase lasted 20 minutes. What I think is low equanimity. But it still had daydreams. I still found myself sometimes in thoughts. For example, there was a moment when I had a memory that I hadn't had for a long time. Of a place from when I was a child. And then I let myself daydream about this memory. I explored it more. It must have lasted about 20 seconds. And I came back. But I noticed it was solid. And I started to notice when the experiences were more distant (from this conscious part of the mind). Seeing them as not-self. But there were moments when I identified with it. And it felt more solid. But I was in control, I was aware, I was calm, I was tranquil. So, it was a different experience. Because I think this low equanimity that I think I'm having, I'm still not very familiar with it. That's why I wanted to talk about it in more detail.

Yes, that does sound like low equanimity. There can be a clunky drifting/fluid nature to Low EQ that can also seem like "bad attention" but what is interesting is that awareness seems to keep up with experience. You know a daydream is a daydream and you can even follow along without getting lost. It can be quite fun! Sometimes it can feel like lucid dreaming -- dreaming but awake. 

Once again, trust that the mind knows where to go and follow along with it. You don't have to control the mind objects that appear, you just have to hold it all within awareness. Your awareness "initimately participates" with experience, whatever it is. 

Also know that some days you will progress far on the progress of insight, some days you might not. That's totally normal and part of how the mind "cleans up" the earlier nanas.

Consistent, daily, non-heroic practice is the path.

Ok Shargrol.

Good to know, as I tend to have expectations.

​​​​​​​Thank you so much!

DAY 2024-07-15

​​​​​​​Today, I did 1 hour and 10 minutes of meditation. There's a lot to share. I'm not sure if I'll be able to cover everything, but I'll try to summarize the main points.I am more confident that I am aware throughout the entire session, even during moments of daydreaming. I notice the daydreaming and quickly return.I started with a pleasant phase, under control, with my body relaxed and calm, which lasted until 35 minutes. Then came the phase of dullness. It wasn't very strong, again, like yesterday. It wasn't deep. During this phase, I had many daydreams, almost like lucid dreams. I was very aware of what was happening.But this phase lasted until one hour. At the one-hour mark, I thought, since I'm on vacation now, I'll stay for another ten minutes. I decided to take advantage of these ten minutes and let go completely, because I kept checking if I was interfering in any way, if I was trying to manipulate in some way. It seemed like there was still an "I" behind it, controlling.Then I thought, "To hell with it. If I'm losing control, let me lose it." And I let go. I kept noting and observing what would happen, but in the first three minutes of this open, letting-go approach, I didn't see any changes. So it seemed that I was already letting go. I did this to validate if I was really letting go. I did this to validate if I was really letting things happen. And it seems that I was.In the final five minutes, I kept noting thoughts, sounds, sensations, tranquility, but there were no more daydreams or lucid dreams.

Hi Dusko.

I registred when I skip. I will after find this. But I think I practiced continuously for one or two months at most.

DAY 2024-07-16

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. I started with the intention of trying to relax more. I set the purpose of experimenting... experimenting with letting go. Seeing how much I could let go. I have a perception that I haven't yet learned to let go completely, that I still try to control things. So I set the purpose of relaxing as much as possible and seeing what would happen. Experimenting with relaxing more. And with that, I saw... Right from the beginning, I was wandering more. I noted, let go, released. I wanted to trust more in consciousness and less in mindfulness. I wanted my only concern to be staying conscious and letting whatever had to happen in the mind happen. So it seems I wandered more. There were more daydreams. I let the mind play more, play with the thoughts. But around 35 minutes, my back started bothering me. Because I had relaxed a lot, my back slouched. And I decided to straighten my back. That agitated my mind a bit. But I kept the purpose of continuing with only consciousness and staying very relaxed. I noticed some reluctance with my back. Despite changing position, I saw some reluctance regarding my position. So I said, "screw it," and let it be, let it complain if it wanted to. And it went on, stopped complaining. But around 50 minutes, because I was sitting on a leg that is not my good leg, a leg that I have a vein issue with (varicose), I had pain in my leg and had to change position again. And, once again, it agitated my mind. And since it was the final phase, already in the last 10 minutes, I felt anxiety. Quite a lot of anxiety. I noted the anxiety, let go. But then it would come back. I noted a lot of anxiety in the final phase. And then it was an hour, and I stopped.

Thank you for answering Andre! I was just wondering. As shargrol is saying "consistent daily non-heroic practice" is the way. No reason to stress about this, however, I would advise to try and keep at least 6 months of consistent daily practice. Even once a day is ok. Just no skipping. Minimum of 45 minutes a day. 

​​​​​​​Best wishes! 

DAY 2024-07-17

​​​​​​​Today I meditated for an hour. I was in the control phase, relaxed, calm, observing everything. Around 20 minutes in, I entered the phase of dullness, the phase of difficulty, of lack of control. But... today the awareness was very high. I was perceiving everything from a distance. I don't think it's a lack of control anymore because I was able to perceive and be aware of everything. I had small, very short daydreams. There were several. From 20 minutes until the end, I was in this phase. But I was always very conscious of what was happening. I noticed it was subtle, like an image. When I perceive an image, I note the image, and I can return to the sensation of the body. Becoming more present by noticing body sensations, sounds, and images. I realized that sometimes the images were seductive and led me to daydreams and lucid dreams. But I quickly returned to awareness. Because I noticed a quality of the mind... it doesn't stay still, looking at just one point. For example, if I tried to stay only on the sensation of breathing, it wouldn't stay there. The attention was very distributed. It jumped from door to door, from door of the senses to door of the senses. It had a broader vision, noticing everything. I couldn't stay at just one point. And there was another perception, which is... being outside the sensations. Of what was happening, of what was arising. Because sometimes I would feel that I was being overwhelmed by the amount of things I was noticing, but today I didn't. There were moments when I felt like I could simply be there, without wanting to notice anything, just feeling the moment. A lot was happening, but I was there, perceiving things. I was outside, I could have this notion that I was outside of what was happening. I had an awareness that I was outside of what was happening, and I could simply be there... just observing. Because there had been times when I felt overwhelmed, felt pain, suffering, like... wow, I'm noticing so many things, these things are overwhelming me, but not today. Now I feel that I managed to stay outside of this.

Very nice insights!  
Best wishes for your practice! 

Thanks Dusko!

DAY 2024-07-18 ​​​​

I meditated for an hour. I started by relaxing my mind and body. For the first 30 minutes, I was in a phase of control, allowing the noting to happen naturally. My mind stayed more focused on the breath and the pleasant sensations of breathing. After 30 minutes, it entered a phase of dullness. My vision darkened, and I began to lose control. I started to notice more images and daydreams.

There was an interesting episode where I set an investigation instruction; I held it for 3 seconds, then immediately lost it. I tried to remember what it was and couldn't. Then I laughed and continued.

Just like yesterday, I was very aware of what was happening. Today, I realized that I still have a mistaken notion of what meditation is. When I am noting body sensations and images, I am conscious, perceiving everything without daydreams, and I think I am meditating well. When I have daydreams and lucid dreams, I return and note them, but it feels like I was adrift, not meditating. However, I understand that this is precisely what I need to understand and accept. We don't have control over this.

​​​​​​​Well, it remained this way for the last 30 minutes. I always remind myself to accept the situation, accept the difficulties. Let the mind discover on its own what to investigate. This makes me feel free and relaxed, carefree. It has been very good.

DAY 2024-07-19

​​​​​​​​​​​​​​Today I meditated for an hour. Today I did something different. I didn't read much about the Dharma before starting to meditate. I was reading mundane things. Then I read a post by Shargrol related to the phase I'm in to motivate myself. And I started to meditate. But I looked at the intention, the motivation before starting to meditate, and I didn't have that excitement. And I said to myself, I want to see exactly how this influences my meditation. And it's interesting because I've done this before and as soon as I sat down, the concentration was intense. Very focused on what I was doing, and then pleasure started to arise in the inspiration. I was able to see things clearly, everything very much under control in the meditation. This preparation before doesn't influence so much. And then I started to notice what was seductive, the thoughts. I started to become alert to the seduction that is thoughts. And then they naturally arose, I noted them, and they ended. And I became very focused on the inspiration. And I stayed like that for 30 minutes with long, smooth, very pleasurable breaths. ​​​​​​​After 30 minutes, this control started to drop, I began to enter the phase of dullness, but the dullness was weak. At 40 minutes, I could say that I was in the phase of strong dullness. And it lasted for the rest of the session. But I noticed that in this phase of dullness, I can't perceive and note the arising of things. I notice them after they are already happening. In the initial phase, I have control over when the intention appears. For example, in this dullness phase, I had the urge to straighten my spine. I straightened my spine, but I only realized it after I was already doing it. I didn't perceive the intention beforehand. In the initial phase, when I have control, I can perceive the intention right at the start. And in this second phase, no. When I see it, it's already happened. It's like a thought, I already notice that I'm thinking. When I'm having a lucid dream and come back, I only realize that I'm back. So, I don't have perception of the beginning. I wanted to emphasize that.

5. Dissolution, Entrance to the Dark Night – MCTB.org

"Whereas we might have felt that our attention had finally attained the one-pointed focus that is so highly prized in most ideals of meditation during the Arising and Passing Away, during the Dark Night we will have to deal with the fact that our attention is quite diffuse and its contents unstable. Further, the center of our attention becomes the least clear area of experience, and the periphery now predominates. This is normal and even expected by those who know this territory. However, most meditators are not expecting this at all and so get completely blindsided and wage a futile battle to force their attention to do something that, at this part of the path, it won’t do well at all. It is simply a third vipassana jhana thing, so you’d better get used to it."

"Those who obsess over staying tightly one-pointed will suffer more than those who learn to stay with what is going on regardless of whether it feels like “good meditation”, and those who idealize “good meditation” as being very focused, stable, and pleasant will need to revise their expectations, as mature concentration is much more broad and inclusive, and it takes mature concentration to do well in these stages."

"For example, in this dullness phase, I had the urge to straighten my spine. I straightened my spine, but I only realized it after I was already doing it."

Very nice insight! Keep going! The more you go into the DN stages the more you go away from the Center and move towards the Periphery of the "focus". This is a very interesting stage as it seeks to let go of the usual "center focus" we so much do in our daily lives and look at our experience in a different way; the way that is unclear, uncertain, hazy, nebulous, stuff is rapidly slipping away, if I try to keep up with it I get too frustrated and might even go into panic ... So I don't try to keep up with it. I can simply note as "gone" when stuff is gone, I can say "uncertain" if stuff gone was unclear, there could be unpleasant feelings present to be noted also  

​​​​​​​BTW, it might sound strange but this DN phase was and still is my favorite in meditation. Some fun stuff happens there  

So this so-called diffuse attention means that besides my consciousness not staying in one place, it will also perceive things only after they have happened. It really makes sense. That's why I have the perception of a lack of control. I hadn't thought of that.
​​​​​​​
Cool! This piqued my interest.

Thank you very much, Dusko and Shargrol :-)

DAY 2024-07-20

​​​​​​​Today I meditated for an hour. I started very relaxed, not trying to control my attention or to note everything, because, as you told me that the lack of control, the diffuse tension was not a problem, I ended up starting relaxed, not wanting to note everything so precisely. So, I was more relaxed. With that, I got a little more distracted, but I started in the control phase, a pleasant phase, enjoying the exhalation, observing the body, but more relaxed, getting a little more distracted. Because of that, the dullness phase came earlier, around 20 minutes, and it lasted until 50 minutes. After 50 minutes, I started to get less distracted, regaining control, having much more awareness of things, it seems like I was in low equanimity, with a lot going on, but super calm.I noticed that in the dullness phase, I was accepting much more, even with distractions and lucid dreams, but accepting what was happening, because I was calm, knowing that's just how it is, that I was in the DN phase. And with that, low equanimity also came earlier.So, what I realized overall is that, even being relaxed and calm, not trying to note everything or be so precise in noting, it ended up being even better because the dullness phase came earlier and it went away earlier as well.

2024-07-21

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. I started once again with the purpose of relaxing, not trying to lead, not trying to control. I made no resolution to try to note, to try to be attentive. I let the meditation flow as it would, without creating expectations. I only knew that I would go through a phase of difficulty and that it should be as it would be.

I started with distraction, my mind a bit agitated. I let it be, it calmed down, and I experienced a phase of pleasure. The pleasure was moderate, but it was there.

Then, at around twenty minutes, I entered a phase of dullness that lasted the whole session. Within the phase of dullness, there were moments of greater clarity, less distraction, but overall I noted many images. There were lucid dreams, not many, but there were some. Many images, I noted many random images. I noted many bodily sensations. I was feeling cold, so I noted a lot of cold in my spine because it's cold today and I wasn't dressed appropriately, but I continued. I noticed when my body was no longer feeling cold. There were moments of feeling cold, which was very interesting too. The cold wasn't constant; it came in moments and then passed.

So, overall, I am trying to let the meditation flow as it should, without wanting to control or interfere. I want to learn to do this more.

DAY 2024-07-22

​​​​​​​I meditated for an hour. For the first 20 minutes, I didn't set any intentions; I simply sat and let it be, aiming to face the difficulty and let the meditation unfold as needed. I didn't try to manipulate or force anything; I let my mind calm down by watching my breath. I had a moment of control during those first 20 minutes, experiencing some pleasure in the breath. Not much pleasure, it was more of a freshness than pleasure. After 20 minutes, I entered a phase of dullness, with daydreams, many images, and lucid dreams, and it stayed like that until the end. There wasn't much change in the situation. I saw, noticed, and perceived a lot of acceptance, gradually increasing acceptance of this situation. Sometimes I noticed a desire: "When is this going to change?" But I noted it and continued. I noted: going, ending (of what arose), because I noticed it more when it was already ending. A few times, I saw the intention.

This sounds good. You seem to be noticing things the way they are. You are also a very conscientious practitioner. That's good stuff!

Thanks Martin!

2024-07-23

​​​​​​​Today I meditated for an hour. I started with the same intention of not controlling anything, of not having any type of meditation intention, of being this or that. Just being present and experiencing what needs to be experienced. The first 30 minutes were very calm, present. I didn't have a lot of control because I didn't want to have a lot of control. But I was quite present, calm, and tranquil. At one point, an intention came up, a desire to note more, to want to be more aware of things. And at the same time, a "no, there's no need for that" came up. In a very dispassionate way. How can I say it? I didn't want to have that control. And at the same time, there was no need for it. No need to have it. So I let go even more. I felt more at ease knowing that I could trust my awareness, my mindfulness. And it was easy, it was easy. Just let it be, just let it be, let awareness naturally lead the meditation. And I did that, and the phase of dullness came, I noticed my vision darkening, having even less control, having more daydreams. Today I didn't have lucid dreams, just short daydreams. I practically had no dukkha. I didn't see moments of complaint, I saw, but they were very few and very light. And towards the end, from 40 minutes to 50 minutes, I was hardly having any daydreams. And in the final 50 minutes, I had no daydreams. I was very present, noting sounds, bodily sensations, a slight pain in my leg, feeling my upright spine, seeing it, watching the breath. I stayed in that for the entire end, very calm, tranquil.

For what it's worth, you can add a little sweetness with "delight in renunciation". This is just taking the attitude that meditative renunciation, not manipulating or trying to control reality, resting in awareness itself... is all delightful. The meditative life is a good life. There is no need to have a "serious and productive work ethic" when meditating. Sometimes "trying hard" just covers up the actual experience of simply being a human being, sitting in a safe room, with nothing that needs to be done, with interesting sensations, emotions, and thoughts bubbling up for viewing. Meditation can be a simple and interesting and delightful experience of watching the mind like watching an interesting TV show. In fact, the more you simply observe and experience, the more insights you have!  

Obviously some people need to be cajoled into being more serious, but other people need to be reminded to be relax. Ultimately, the meditator needs to learn when and how to apply both techniques: when slightly lazy, sit straighter and breath a bit more intentionally (and note laziness); when getting agitated or frustrated, relax the posture and soften the breath (and note agitation or frustration). It becomes intuitive over time, no need to force it.

These intentions set in the mind act in a very subtle way. I have seen and perceived that they act naturally and without a self behind them. So, I will set this intention, let go, and just see what results.

​​​​​​​Thank you, Shargrol!

DAY 2024-07-24 ​​​​

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. I started by setting the intention "Delight to Renunciation," aiming to delight in renunciation. I followed this intention throughout the meditation. During the session, this phrase often came to mind as a notation and genuinely helped me delight in it. Today, I didn't experience any phase of dullness. Around 20 to 30 minutes in, I felt I was having more daydreams and wasn't noticing the beginning of what was arising as much. I was more aware after things had already happened. This was the phase of dullness. I had difficulty, but no dullness. By around 40 minutes, I was experiencing a lot of clarity. I regained control and was noticing the beginnings of things arising. Around 50 minutes, I felt a great peace and clarity, which increased. This phase of control, of noticing things, of being present and aware of the beginnings, increased. I had a moment of staying with just the pleasure of breathing for a long time. Although I had some daydreams afterward, they were few, and I experienced zero dullness. It's also worth noting that I counted on my fingers the moments of dukkha. There were four, all related to when I came back from a daydream. I realized that the mind still holds the wrong view that daydreaming is not meditation. When I noticed this the second time, I put this theme under investigation. A positive perspective emerged: despite having daydreams, I was present 70-80% of the time, and during that time, there was insight. When I'm daydreaming, there's no insight, but when I come back and for most of the time that I'm present, there is insight. This realization helped me let go of this idea, at least partially.

DAY 2024-07-25

​​​​​​​I meditated for an hour, intending to let things happen without interference, to "Delight in Renunciation," and to calm the mind and body. I quickly entered access concentration, observing bodily sensations and thoughts. I was in that phase of control, noticing the beginning of things. Around the 20-minute mark, I entered the phase of dullness. Today, I experienced this phase with daydreams and lucid dreams but remained quite conscious, not reacting negatively, and accepting the situation well. I experienced some dukkha. Again, like yesterday, there was very little. This phase lasted longer, up to 50 minutes, so I had about half an hour of dullness. In the final 10 minutes, I regained more clarity, starting to notice the beginning of things arising, intentions. I observed some daydreams, thoughts, bodily sensations, and moments of delight in breathing.

DAY 2024-07-26

​​​​​​​I meditated for an hour. I set the intention to let things be, to face whatever came up, not to try to change the situation, and to relax, delighting in renunciation. I started by calming my mind, but there were many distractions. Around 25 minutes in, I entered a phase of dullness; my vision darkened. It seemed like I was in re-observation because I had no clear sense of what I was doing. My memory was failing; I was losing it. I could only remember to note. I realized I was in re-observation, so I stayed there, just noting, waiting for the phase to pass. I knew it would pass. Five minutes later, I realized I was daydreaming, but now my memory was clearer. I remembered what I was doing and what was happening. I went back to daydreaming, moving in and out of it. But I also noted bodily sensations, sounds, feeling cold, and my posture. I delighted in my breath, feeling a sense of freshness. Now there was clarity. There was little dukkha, and when I did notice it, it was mild.

Hm ... I don't see much mention about Body Sensations in your daily logging. 

Im
noticing this for a while now that you aim mostly at the mind states and feeling tones and almost not at all at body sensations which in my experience play a major role in fabricating our reality. There is stuff causing and effecting other stuff and so on. Please try and connect the body sensations with any other aspect of your experience. There is a link between all these ; body sensations (tactile/inside and on body, see, hear, smell, taste), feeling tone (pleasant , neutral, unpleasant), mind images, mind states, thoughts. 

Include body sensations as much as possible. This way you also quickly discover if the body is tense due to too much effort and you easily relax it. And not just that, but body sensations will show you other mind aspects that follow these. Include body sensations please. Every few notes there is to be at least one or more body sensations. 

I must admit that I always feel slightly underwhelmed to read a log that does not describe in great detail body sensations after each sit. One can tell a lot from the described experience of body sensations. 

of course you can feel free to ignore what I just wrote. It's your practice after all and you are keeping it consistent which is great!  

​​​​​​​Best wishes! 

Sure Dusko. I'll try to include more in the log.
I notice a lot of hearing, a good sensation from having an erect spine, sensations on the forehead, knee and leg pains, itching, impulses in the arm. I just didn't put them in the log because I thought they weren't important.
I don't notice smells because I have a problem with my sense of smell and feel very little.
Now, about "seeing," I have doubts about what you said, because I often put in the logs that I see images. Should I detail the type of image? For example, sometimes I'm scanning the body to see how it is and I see a mental image of the body as I scan it.

DAY 2024-07-27

Today I meditated for one hour and ten minutes. I started with the intention of focusing more on bodily sensations. Right from the start, I noticed many things: the sensation of the straight spine, the rising and falling of the breath. I felt my spine like a straight stick and my lungs like a cloth rising and falling. I saw that image in my mind of the breath with the spine. There was a pleasure in being present, relaxed. I noticed itches on my cheek and many sounds. Every sound was accompanied by an image: the sound of a car, an image of a car; a person talking, an image of the person talking. I also scanned my body, looking at each part of the body, and an associated image would appear.
Around the 20-minute mark, I entered the phase of dullness. I could see the body sensations, but they seemed more distant and mixed with random images, lucid dreams. I was conscious, receiving this, but there were many random images mixed with the body sensations. I ended up noticing fewer body sensations and more random images, lucid dreams. There was a certain confusion in this mix of bodily sensations and images. I started to notice discomfort and pain in my leg, a lot of pain in my spine, which was no longer so straight. Then I started to feel discomfort because of this. I decided to change the position of my legs and straighten my spine. This helped a bit, but after about 10 minutes, the spine started to bother me again. I noticed a lot of discomfort related to this, with pain in my spine and legs.
Around the 55-minute mark, I decided to straighten my spine again. I didn't change my position, just straightened my spine and decided to keep it straight. I relaxed the rest of my body, but didn't relax the base of my spine. This helped. I managed to keep my spine straight, relaxed the rest of my body, and with that, the dullness passed. I was present, noting things with a gentle, very gentle extraction. I even had a concentrated absorption in my breath. Something interesting happened: I realized that an hour had passed, but I wanted to continue because it felt good. I decided to stay for another ten minutes. I felt some discomfort because people were waking up here at my mother-in-law's house, and I thought I might disturb them, thinking I was taking too long. This was nonsense in my head. I just noted it and let it go. I really relaxed, stayed for another ten minutes, enjoyed the moment, and focused more on bodily sensations.

heh, feel free to listen to advice but definitely make up your own decision on what to do and what/if to record --- and it's not the recording that's important, it's the doing.  

one of the signs of progress/experience is you become more independent from others and learn to trust yourself! 

I agree with shargrol, it's not important to log about it but to do it while practicing. Noting body sensations is essential. As long you are including/noting the body sensations you are golden  

You are doing good! 

​​​​​​​Best wishes! 

Ok Shargrol. Thanks!

Yes. But yesterday I liked to focus more in body sensations. Helped so much.

2024-07-28

​​​​​​​Today I meditated for an hour. Yesterday I drank. I slept a lot in terms of hours, but the quality of sleep was not good because I drank. I had a gathering with childhood friends and ended up drinking a lot. And this affected the quality of my sleep. I almost didn't get up to meditate, but I remembered that I need to practice. And so I decided to get up. I got up and went to practice. I did an hour. I focused on observing bodily sensations. Around 15 minutes in, I entered the phase of dullness. Like yesterday, I noticed bodily sensations mixed with images and lucid dreams. In terms of bodily sensations, I noticed my spine being very upright. It started to sag and affected my consciousness. So I tried to straighten it, keep it upright to have more energy. I noticed a lot of discomfort related to my spine. So I always tried to keep it straight. I perceived my body adjusting itself, having spasms in my arms, and in certain regions of the body, which were related to trying to straighten my spine. My breathing wasn't great either because my nose was very congested, one nostril was closed, and my breathing wasn't flowing well. This was somewhat uncomfortable. But with the calming of the meditation, my breathing calmed down too, so it wasn't much of a problem. Towards the end, around 50 minutes, I started to come out of the phase of dullness and began to have more clarity. But today, I didn't stray much from that.

DAY 2024-07-29

​​​​​​​I meditated for an hour. I set the intention to delight in renunciation while balancing it by noting more bodily sensations. Actually, I wanted to observe the four foundations of mindfulness. I was in the control phase, noting well, and around 15 to 20 minutes, I entered the phase of dullness, with diffuse attention, having daydreams and lucid dreams. My back was slightly hunched. I just paid attention and tried to accept the situation, but in the lucid dreams, I was always trying to correct my posture. There were different images of different things, but they were associated with trying to correct my back posture. So, after many notations coming back from the lucid dreams and seeing that I was trying to correct it, I decided to change my position and adjust the cushion, and it worked. I managed to keep my back straight until the end. But this back problem is happening because, these days, I am at my mother-in-law’s house and didn’t bring my usual cushion. I am having to adapt cushions here with thighs or folded towels. So, I think that’s what’s happening, the difficulty in getting the position right. Other than that, everything else I noted and perceived was well accepted. The situation of the phase of diffuse attention, of daydreaming, and having lucid dreams, I accept well. I haven’t had any more problems with aversion to it. I am accepting it better each time.

DAY 2024-07-30

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. I experienced four distinct phases. The first phase was one of control, with clarity and a sense of control, and pleasure in breathing and bodily sensations. Next, I entered a phase of numbness, which was hazy but still had a sense of bliss. There were no daydreams in this phase. After that, I moved into a phase of daydreams and lucid dreams. This was the most difficult phase, but I have been trying to accept it. Although I have accepted it more, there is still some discomfort. This phase has been lasting around 30 minutes on average. Finally, in the last part, which lasted about 10 minutes or less, I entered a phase of clarity and tranquility, being able to notice bodily sensations better and feeling calm with my breathing. There was a little bit of anxiety, very little, but it was present. That's it.

Excellent. Your log is awesome and your practice too. A little tranquility is a nice thing !! 

Thank you Bahiya!

"being able to notice bodily sensations better"

When you say "bodily sensations" what exactly do you mean? Can you describe these bodily sensations in detail? 

You can do it next time you log about it, as its not easy remembering the past session. Thank you

Hi Dusko!

​​​​​​​In general, at this stage I'm in, the unpleasant ones are: itchy skin, discomfort with the posture at the base of the spine, knee pain due to spending a long time in the same position, tight breathing (sometimes). Pleasant: erect spine flowing energy, loose jaw and shoulders, loose and fluid breathing, sometimes long (at the beginning) sometimes short (at the end), pressure on the forehead or on the top of the head. Neutral: internal movement of the lungs and intestines, impulse movements/spasms in the arms, involuntary movements laterally trying to correct posture, cold and chills.

DAY 2024-07-31

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. After summarizing my bodily sensations to respond to Dusko, it influenced today's meditation. I saw many bodily sensations from the beginning of the meditation. I felt all those I mentioned in the response and more. There were many, so I'll try to remember. For example, throat itchiness, general pressures in the body. At first, I felt a lot of pressure, but pleasant, a pleasant pressure in the neck, back, arms, shoulders, and forehead. And along with that, as I was relaxing, deep breathing. Towards the end, for example, I was remembering my erect spine, pressure on the spine, a pleasant pressure, relaxed shoulders, confident in the erect spine, a pleasant pressure on the forehead as well. Overall, today's meditation was very pleasurable. Around 20 minutes, I entered a phase of numbness, but with clarity, a great deal of clarity, feeling bodily sensations, little daydreaming. Few daydreams. I didn't have lucid dreams. I was very present. Around 40 minutes, I had a moment of dullness, perceiving fewer things in the body, more images; it was brief. Then, in the last 10 minutes, I regained clarity, and a lot of pleasure. Today, I had a lot of pleasure. I would say I had 70% pleasure in the meditation and 30% neutral. I don't remember experiencing aversion today, feeling aversion. I had leg pain, knee pain, and ankle pain, but I noted and released it. I also had some pain because I relaxed my spine too much, but I straightened it. If there was any discomfort, it was very little.

Nice ! Enjoy the pleasure. From here we want to learn to feel sensation and the room. There is breath in this space. There is openness all around us. Also, when things feel nice it can be reinvigorating to just bask in experience. Bask in the joy but understand, nothing lasts forever and always the mind can grow attached to things. In our practice we must balance bliss and vigilance. 

Feeling the body, is, I believe, one of the great vehicles of insight. The body is a portal into a deep experience of sensation in all its flickering, waving brilliance. 

Thank you for clarifying this Andre! That's great noting of bodily sensations. 

It's also interesting to observe the itch in more detail. Or any other experience. Let's say that itch spot can vary in size and intensity. These areas can offer some interesting insights. Do not quickly disregard them as "just an itch" but examine how it changes through time. 

My old teacher Kenneth Folk was saying "noting the sensations of an itch can lead all the way to Stream Entry" so, be lovingly interested in these seemingly mundane itches and dull pains or chills on the skin. Look at how they change through time. 

Best wishes Andre! 

I that thank you!

Ok.
​​​​​​​
Cool

Ok Bahiya!

Was very interesting focus more in feeling the body this last days. I will continue.

Thank you, Bahiya!

DAY 2024-08-01

​​​​​​​Today I meditated for an hour. I started by calming my body and setting the intention to focus more on bodily sensations. I quickly reached a concentration phase of control, noting bodily sensations well and experiencing pleasure. Then, I entered a phase of dullness, but with a lot of clarity. I didn't have any daydreams or lucid dreams. I didn't experience much of the deep phase of difficulty with dullness; it felt more like Vipassana Jhanas, as if I were in the third Vipassana Jhana. Everything was going very well, but a pain in my leg started to bother me around the 40-minute mark, and it was the only thing I was noting. Then I remembered Shargrol talking about changing position when this happens because the only thing I was noting was this discomfort, and I couldn't let it go. So, I changed position. This brought me more energy and slightly disturbed my concentration, but I didn't mind. I knew it would happen. I went back to noting bodily sensations, and quickly I was in the third Vipassana Jhana again. In the last 10 minutes, the phase passed again. I was calm, feeling pleasure with more clarity and control. There was a small daydream, but I didn't mind. And that was it.

DAY 2024-08-02

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. I started by observing the sensations in my body and relaxing. I was in a phase of control and clarity, with pleasurable sensations in my breathing and upright posture. Around the 20-minute mark, I started daydreaming and also entered a phase of numbness, but with a fresh, pleasurable feeling. However, I was very relaxed today. I wasn't observing the bodily sensations as much. I ended up daydreaming more. I wasn't practicing full attention, I believe, because I was daydreaming a lot, very relaxed, very... very relaxed. When I realized this, I tried to set the intention to notice the bodily sensations more, but it didn't help much. I had about 5 minutes of lucid dreams, then I started having pain in my legs. Around the 40-minute mark, I had already spent 5 minutes trying to observe the pain. I saw it as it followed my breath, at the peak of the breath, with my lungs full of air. With my lungs full of air, I felt more pain, more intensity of pain. As the breath went out, emptying my lungs, I felt less pain in my knees. But after 5 minutes, I decided to change position. Then more energy came, I felt tingling in my legs, the pain went away, and I had that sensation of taking off a tight shoe. After that, I continued in this phase of numbness, having daydreams. In the last 10 minutes, I felt a certain anxiety. I noticed it and let it go, but it didn't change much.

It might be time to start investigating the intention behind this or the decision to do it. Why when things are so nice and relaxed must we do something more? In this relaxed state you'll have better capacity to watch these intentions as they come and go. They're not a problem but do they add anything, or do they lead anywhere? 

Great work.

Keep Noting instead of daydreaming. 1-10 notes per second. We daydream most of our day-to-day experience but when we sit to practice we train in (paying) attention, we train by using of the noting of the very fast pace of sensations, arise-passing rapidly. 

Once you finish with the meditation session you relax and go let it go back to daydreaming if it wants to, but not while meditating. I like the way Kenneth Folk likens the meditation session to a session in a gym We don't go to a gym to daydream but to exercise the muscles. Same on the cushion, we don't daydream or lucid dream, but we exercise attention, paying attention to the matter-of-fact arise-passing phenomena! This stuff is changing rapidly so keep a good and awake attention! Watch the STREAM of experience unfold! All the chains in this fast-changing stream of experience is very important. 

Yes, relax and re-relax the body tensions occasionally but do not drop the fast stream of noting the matter-of-fact experience during the whole sitting meditation session. Once you finish permit yourself to daydream all you want. But not on the cushion. 

I was relaxed but was daydreaming a lot. So I tried to anchor myself in body sensations.

​​​​​​​But I understood. Once again, I am hindering the mind from following its course by interfering.

Maybe there was a lack of interest in noting. Or perhaps because I leaned more towards Vipassana Jhanas, feeling more pleasure than noting. I am still learning to balance surrendering to pleasure.

​​​​​​​But I still have doubts if I shouldn't just let the daydreaming continue (as I mentioned to Bahiya), because not every day there is so much daydreaming. I have seen my mind straighten out naturally, and thus I have trusted in letting it be without interfering.

DAY 2024-08-03

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. I reflected on whether I should worry more about noting or if I should relax and let things happen. I chose to relax and let things happen, as I have gained confidence in my awareness and mindfulness. I decided to delight in renunciation and, in this sense, follow the meditation. I started with an initial phase of clarity, pleasure, and control. Around 25 minutes in, I entered a phase of numbness, but still with pleasure, freshness, and bliss. I had some daydreams, noting images and bodily sensations.

Later, towards the end, I felt pain in my leg, but it was bearable and not strong. I was relaxed, very relaxed, and it felt more like a vibration. Sometimes it was bothersome, but then I would relax, and it would pass. Only towards the end did I need to straighten my spine, breathe more deeply, and extract more energy. I noticed many images and few lucid dreams, but in this final phase, there were no daydreams. I noted sensations in the body. My body was more subdued, almost disappearing, but I could, with intention, notice bodily sensations. When I realized and thought about wanting to notice sensations in the body, I could feel more vibrations in the body.

For example, if I focused on my arm, I felt internal and external vibrations in the arm. If I focused on my leg, I felt internal and external vibrations in the leg. I felt an empty stomach, an erect spine, and my lungs filling and emptying.

​​​​​​​So, as I thought, letting go and trusting in awareness does not lead to more daydreams. I had good moments of awareness today, so I will continue on this path.

Nice. For what it's worth, if your mindfulness is able to stay with vibrations -- then that is good enough. No need to label/note if you can stay at the level of vibrations. 

Isn't it nice when the chunkier "problems" like worry, doubt, focusing, making enough progress, trying to do it right, etc can be dropped and instead just get curious about what it feels like to experience the meditation?

Ok Shargrol.

Very much. Much simpler. Was what I most needed to learn :-)

​​​​​​​Thank you so much, Shargrol!

DAY 2024-08-04

​​​​​​​I meditated for one hour and ten minutes. I started by setting the intention to let the meditation flow, without influencing it, to delight in renunciation, not interfering with the meditation. For the first 20 minutes, I was in that phase of clarity, control, and pleasure. Then, between 20 and 25 minutes, there was a transition to a phase of torpor. And then daydreams started to arise, and I didn’t mind much. When I regained consciousness, I was grateful, I was happy, I was okay. Then I went back to observing the sensations of the body and remembered that this way it is much easier. And, having confidence, more and more confidence in my awareness, because the daydreams were quick, there were many, but at the same time, there were many because I was aware of them, right? I regained consciousness and was okay. So, I stayed in this phase for about 30 minutes and then entered the phase of regaining control, having clarity, there were no more daydreams. I observed the sensations of the body, noted sounds, visions, so I stayed with the sense doors, having a lot of control over them, having clarity in them, and the sensation of the breath started to pull me. Short, calm breathing, and the noting started to become very slow, even my speech slowed down when noting, I was very relaxed, very centered. I had a bit of anxiety about finishing the session, but an hour passed, I wanted to continue, I stayed there, as it was calm, good, and pleasant.

DAY 2024-08-05

​​​​​​​Today I meditated for an hour. Before starting the session, I was watching a video by a Brazilian monk that I follow, where he was talking about the layer of the intellect that humans have, which animals do not, and that during meditation, when we lose this layer, we enter a state over which we have no control. He mentioned that during death we will experience this, and also in surgeries, when we take certain medications to fall asleep. When people wake up, they also experience this.So, I started the meditation with the intention of observing this happening, seeing when we lose the capacity of the intellect. I remembered quite a bit about the dullness phase of the third vipassana jhana, when we lose control; it seems that we have awareness, but not memory. I have little control over memory and the intellect. I noticed this during today's meditation. In the first 20 minutes, I had clarity and control, still quite aware of the intellect and memory. After 20 minutes, this started to diminish, as if my intellect and memory were being muffled. I was left with just awareness: awareness of leg pain, bodily sensations, itching, and so on.After 50 minutes, towards the end, I continued to perceive this, my intellect and memory muffled, but they started to come back. In this dullness phase, it seems that we reach the peak of almost completely losing control over memory and the intellect, and then they start coming back.Well, that was today's meditation. I was very focused on this. I did, of course, pay attention to bodily sensations, but I tried to notice more this issue of the intellect being muffled. I still had some control, some intellect and memory, but it was interesting to see how it was indeed muffled.

DAY 2024-08-06

​​​​​​​Today I meditated for an hour. I didn't read any Dhamma before starting. I was looking for some things I needed to buy for my house. Then I quickly read a very small piece of Dhamma. And then I started to meditate. Today everything was very shallow. The three phases, there were three phases. But all three phases were very shallow. The first phase is of control, clarity. It wasn't very concentrated, very pleasurable. I had daydreams in it, but there was a bit of pleasure. But the daydreaming prevailed. And in the dullness phase, there were also daydreams, but there were no lucid dreams. I saw images, daydreams, there were no lucid dreams, and I noticed pain. So the difficult part was the discomfort of the pain I was having in my back. I had this pain yesterday too, and today it continued. And I kept noticing, perceiving this pain more, trying to see its intensity. Sometimes it disappeared, sometimes it came back, becoming more intense. Maybe that's why it brought me more down to earth, more concentrated. And then I didn't feel the dullness phase as much, maybe that's why. But then, in the last 15 minutes, it disappeared. I entered the phase of having clarity again, of having a freshness, it was pleasant, calm. But there were still daydreams, I noticed sounds, bodily sensations, small daydreams, they were more thoughts and comments. There were daydreams, but very few. I was more present, but there was no pleasure. There were moments when the breath pulled me, when I looked at the breath, looked at the body. But everything seemed very shallow today, everything was very equanimous, let's say.

DAY 2024-08-07

​​​​​​​Today I meditated for an hour. Like yesterday, there was no deepening of phases today. The phases were shallow, but they were perceptible. In the beginning, I calmed my mind with more clarity and energy, but daydreams were predominant. I was relaxed with a lot of daydreaming. I've been trying to understand this issue of daydreaming, considering whether it's because I'm more relaxed and not obsessively trying to note everything. I'm prioritizing relaxation over constantly noting things. However, I do not stop noting; I try to follow a more natural rhythm.

In this initial phase, daydreams were predominant. Later, in the dullness phase, images were predominant. I didn't have lucid dreams; they were just images that stood out. Towards the end of the dullness phase, I started to notice pain in my legs, back, and a sore throat that began to bother me. These physical sensations began to stand out. I observed these pains, and after 5 or 10 minutes at most, they became very light and no longer bothered me or caught my attention. This coincided with the end of the dullness phase.

I returned to having clarity and daydreams started to stand out again. In summary, despite the daydreams and pains, overall, I wasn't very bothered by them. I didn't mind what was happening, and I want to continue exploring this approach to see how far it goes. That's it.

Later edition:
I forgot to mention that near the phase of dullness, a spontaneous thought emerged like this: "I'm tired of babbling". As an observer, I was surprised because it seemed like someone else was talking, not me. And after that, I spent a good few minutes just being aware of the sensory doors.

Nice, I like this approach... 

​​​​​​​You see you can notice more by relaxing. You can be aware of more by relaxing. From my point of view sometimes letting the daydreams, distraction, neurosis occur is good practice because when it happens during meditation you get to see it happening. You start to notice that it is happening. Noticing the activity of the self is great practice. You start to see it start. You start to understand how to end it. I think it can be useful to let the distraction occur. If you can catch the daydreams quickly then maybe that is best but as long as you catch them eventually that's what's important. 

And I think this is a good phase of practice in which to practice like this. Other times maybe it's better to be laser focused. Now maybe it's ok to gently include everything. We will see how things develop. 

Sounds good !!! 

​​​​​​​As the old Theban sorcerers used to say "do the usual" 

That's exactly what I've been thinking. I'll follow this way and test it out. If I start to get stuck, I'll adjust or change something later.

I forgot to mention that near the phase of dullness, a spontaneous thought emerged like this: "I'm tired of babbling". As an observer, I was surprised because it seemed like someone else was talking, not me. And after that, I spent a good few minutes just being aware of the sensory doors.

DAY 2024-08-08

​​​​​​​Today I meditated for 40 minutes. The alarm went off, but I didn't notice; I'm not sure what happened. I had little time to meditate, so I started with a lot of concentration, wanting to make the most of the time I had. In the initial phase, during the clarity phase, I had a daydream, a medium daydream, and then only mental commentary. I was very focused, everything was very pleasurable, even the back pain I'm feeling on the left side. This pain has been present for a few days, not just during meditation but at other times as well. During meditation, even the pain felt pleasurable.

I noticed that the phase of dullness arrived, but I had a lot of clarity and energy. I realized that the intellectual part of the mind gets muffled in this state. I can have some reasoning, but it's very short, and I can't conceptualize, retrieve much memory, or work with intellect. However, I'm there, present, perceiving things, as if it were an intelligence similar to that of a dog—present, perceiving, but not conceptualizing.
Then, the clarity began to return, with a feeling of spaciousness, no more dullness, and with much clarity and pleasure. I was very present, feeling a great sense of tranquility and smooth breathing. I started to worry because I didn't hear the 30-minute alarm. It has happened before that it didn't go off. I thought: it's okay, I'll just keep going; maybe I'm mistaken. And I decided to meditate for a bit longer.
Then, I realized something was wrong, that too much time had passed. I decided to check the time, and when I did, it had already been 38, almost 39 minutes of meditation. Indeed, the 30-minute alarm hadn't gone off, so I decided to stop. But it was very interesting because today I didn't experience dukkha; there was no moment of dukkha.

DAY 2024-08-09

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. Before I began, I was reading about low equanimity, which ended up influencing my meditation. I started by observing many mental states: ease, tranquility, and acceptance. At 20 minutes in, it seemed like these states wouldn't change. Everything was very easy and clear, and I was noting everything. Then it occurred to me that everything always changes. It's difficult for something to remain unchanged, and eventually, change would come. Around 25 to 30 minutes, I entered a state of dullness. That's when I realized that this mental state isn't necessarily confusing. It depends on how aware you are of it. It can be confusing if you identify with the things that arise. When I noticed this, I remained calm. I observed the state of memory, the intellectual aspect of not being caught up in it. I took a step back and observed what was happening, which brought tranquility and freshness.

Later on, I began to notice that I was coming out of this state of confusion, of poor memory, and lack of control. It really felt like a state of equanimity because I could be aware of the various things I was noting. I observed the four foundations of mindfulness and could perceive everything. However, at certain moments, I would return to feeling confused, uncomfortable, and a bit of dukkha. This happened because I was identifying with what was arising. When I realized this, I would step back, and that brought back the tranquility and freshness. Then, I noticed that I was moving towards equanimity when I could take that step back, maintaining awareness of what was happening.
Today, it was very interesting to observe this. The pain didn’t bother me; I observed it in the body, but it didn’t disturb me because I accepted it and remained calm. What stood out to me the most was this aspect of awareness: being in or out, identifying or not with what was occurring.

Very nice. Yeah, it's interesting how we could probably go our entire life and not see this -- unless we had a formal practice and made an intentional study of our mind.

I remember when I was becoming well-established and sensitive in this kind of perception (thoughts and center objects becoming vague, but broader awareness/mindfulness still present) and I was walking around in an airport... It was like someone was turning a light dimmer switch in the entire airport: the visual field would become dimmer and sounds were less clear and then the visual field would become brighter and sounds more clear ---- I actually looked around to see if something was happening to the electrical system/lighting in the airport... but it was just my mind.  

It's funny too...  All insights or new sensitivities seem really major and hard to overlook at first --- and you wonder how you will adapt to this new mind --- but eventually the mind grows used to having this kind of sensitivity and things become normal again. Or another way to say it is,  these new ways of looking/sensing become "the new normal" and it's no big deal.

Cool, Shargrol!

Funny that I’ve had this kind of experience in the past, but my practice wasn't mature enough for me to intentionally use such abilities. Now I'm starting to have a bit more skill with it.

I read that post where you mention that entering the stream is just a diploma at the end. This has become clearer to me.

​​​​​​​Thank you so much!

DAY 2024-08-10

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. I started by calming the mind, observing the mental state. At first, there was a lot of internal chatter, a lot of talk, but it gradually calmed down. Around 10 minutes in, I was more stabilized and calm. I began to experience more clarity, still in the control phase. After 20 to 25 minutes, I entered a phase of dullness: short memory, less clarity, but still aware. I noticed more images and daydreams. Then, I started to observe more confusion. There was acceptance, but also some difficulty in getting out of that confusion. Today, I couldn’t take that step back. I noticed fewer times where I managed to take that step back. It seemed like I was more in the middle of the storm, unable to get out of it much. Toward the end, I began to notice a desire, a pain in my leg. I intended to have more acceptance toward the leg pain, not to move. It improved, but then it returned. In the end, I decided to change the leg position because I couldn’t bear it. Today, it seems like I had less ability to maintain openness and acceptance in this final phase, and consequently, I had more confusion and more dukkha. It was mild, but it was there.

"Today, I couldn’t take that step back. I noticed fewer times where I managed to take that step back. It seemed like I was more in the middle of the storm, unable to get out of it much. "

I think this is currently your version of the Reobservation nana. It's a very trapped and turbulent nana. It's also very interesting, especially at the level of sensations.

It can be helpful to say when you truly feel/believe these words:  "I want this phase of meditation to happen. I want to experience it. I want to gain the knowledge of reobservation nana so that I will not be confused about my own mind. May I fully experience reobservation for the benefit of all beings including myself." Yes, sometimes reobservation can suck, but that doesn't mean it's a bad nana. It just means it has a lot to teach us.

One of the things that can be played with is going "into" the feeling of "the storm". Many times reobservation is associated with sensations in front of the face -- like there is a very busy "problem" in front of us and we feel like we need to do something about it, fix it, worry about it, avoid it, something! Notice the emotions and thoughts associated with "wanting to do something". And then notice how there are sensations that are there sort of at the foundation of these emotions and thoughts. Feel the sensations as directly as possible. Notice the sensations in the head and on the face. Put your mind where the sensations are...

One technique that is eventually possible is to imagine moving closer and closer to the storm and sticking our face into the storm.  Then it can feel like our entire world is this stormy turbulance -- sort of like all the sensations of anxiety without the emotions of anxiety. (You might have memories/thoughts about things that make you anxious, be sure to note note note it! Going through this stage helps us remember and clean up old worries and make peace with old anxieties.) Ironically, it's possible to rest there in the middle of the turbulance as pure turbulent sensations and then it feels like you are getting a mind-body massage!

Sometimes it can feel like you in a middle of a tornado and being torn apart or in the middle of an earthquake and everything is crumbling... The important thing to remember is that whatever "you" are will be left after the tornado/earthquake. The tornado/earthquake cannot touch "you".  

Sometimes there can be some anquish as part of reobservation, which changes to saddness in low equanimity. Reobservation can feel tight and worried, like wanting to cry. Low equanimity can feel warm and squishy, like after you have cried.

Do not force anything, but just know that even in the midst of a mind-body storm it's still possible to be in a vipassina jhana -- but it takes time to learn go into the storm and let it massage you.

You are in an important phase of practice now where "your deep problems" might bubble up to the surface and you need to accept the experience and keep sitting. This is why maps are so important, because this is also the stage where people want to quit. The "rolling up the meditation mat" stage.   But it's also the stage where the heat of the furnace refines ore into pure gold.

It can also be a very funny stage where you keep seeing your mind get tricked by "your deep problems" and then you come back and realize you are just sitting in meditation -- those problems are just tricks of the mind! This is important to notice, too, because it takes away the illusion of these problems. Many times in meditation we realize that "problems" are like a magician's trick and once you know it's a trick you know it isn't really a problem.

Real gold does not fear the fire. 

As Ingram is saying in his book "Its all fluff" But it feels so real doesn't it? Well, thats why we sit and keep observing all this on the sensate level to see what its made of. What is this fabric of my reality? 

When difficult stages arise and keep staying there day after day, week after week, its time to lean into noting the FEELING TONE of the whole sensate experience. Its "unpleasant". NOTE IT! Where in the body are those unpleasant feelings? Find the areas. Note it! Make a mental note or say it out loud! Saying it out loud will give you more presence as you can hear your own voice and you can feel the sensations of speaking in the mouth and throat ... note these as well.

If you feel like giving up and getting up, NOTE THAT TOO Note it aloud. Noting aloud did help me so much when I hit the very dark and difficult stages and it led me to High EQ and beyond. If the clarity is dull, try and use words "this is ..." and then add what you note. Here is how I did it when stuff is heavy and difficult https://youtu.be/Pjg6vhMQ5H8?si=F84uchuHkBUVLUq9

Hi Shargrol!

I mentioned being in the middle of a "storm," but I think I exaggerated. It was more like a "shower". There was some difficulty, but not much. I think that because I was able to exit and return with ease yesterday, today I wanted to repeat that, and perhaps this desire got in the way.

But yes, even with these mild difficulties, I need to learn more from this phase because it seems like I'm going from it to low equanimity and back again. This shows that the knowledge hasn't been fully acquired yet. I will try to feel the sensations more when I'm confused, let it happen, and try to appreciate the moment. There have been times when I managed to do that. So I believe it's really a matter of time and practice.

Now, "rolling up the mat," no way :-)

Thank you so much, Shargrol!

Hi Dusko!

Yes, I have noticed the sensations in the body but have forgotten about the tone. Good reminder!

I didn’t mention it in the today log, but towards the end, I noticed twice that I was "wanting to get up" (anxiety) and also noticed "ill will". I've been noting well, even without needing to speak out loud. I prefer it this way; it doesn’t agitate my mind.

Thank you, Dusko!

Well done Andre!

Myself and shargrol defer on the understanding on the power of "noting aloud" practice. 
His and my experiences have not been the same. Which is ok of curse We do share the familiar ground of the 3rd Jhana and DN stages as our home ground so to speak but he had a different journey than mine. 

What will your journey be like? We do not know ... yet!  

Anyway, we do see folks replying to your post here and I like to believe there is some pull towards your journey, as in feeling it being a bit familiar. 

All that being said, shargrol, as well as I, had the same teacher for a while, called Kenneth Folk, and Kenneth is very much in favor of noting aloud practice, later in his teachings. This might have been after he was teaching shargrol dunno. 

As long you are noticing the sensate experience happening its fine and no time was wasted on the cushion. However, if you do feel you are simply "enduring" the experience for the sake of completing the sitting time, then you are missing on so much stuff you could easily see by using noting aloud. Just my two cents. Of course you do what you feel is right for you. Im just offering a second option which can be used occasionally or full time. It's part of the "yogi toolbox". Nothing more, nothing less. 

Best wishes to you and may you awaken and be free from suffering, may you be truly happy! 

EDIT; and please do not worry about the agitated mind, let it be agitated if it is agitated! Just NOTE IT being agitated! Thats all. 

Second Pratice of this Day

Tonight, I meditated for 45 minutes. My family went out for a birthday party, so I took the opportunity to practice a bit. I set the intention to experience difficulty, re-observation, if that was the case, and I sat down. During the first 10 minutes, I was clearly perceiving the sensations in my body. I had a certain level of clarity. Around the 10-minute mark, I began to feel my mind dragging me down. I even thought more time had passed because I had never felt my mind drag me down so early.

After that, I started having dreams. Four times I caught myself with my head dropping, and then I straightened up, startled by my head falling. I usually go to bed around this time, between 9:30 and 10:00 PM. In this phase I'm in, I had never meditated this late before. It was a different experience. I had many dreams and couldn't maintain much clarity, awareness, or mindfulness. When I became conscious, I would return to observing my body and its sensations.
At the end, I felt anxiety and a desire to give up. But I noted it and tried to observe the related bodily sensations, without finding anything specific. At the same time, the anxiety subsided as I kept observing the sensations in my body.

Cool Dusko. Thanks for sharing!

Yes, I don't rule out that possibility. Thank you!
​​​​​​​Nice :-)

DAY 2024-08-11

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. I began by setting the intention to experience the nana of re-observation and to gain knowledge from it for the benefit of all beings and for my own well-being. The mind was agitated at first, so I started to notice it and disidentify from it. There was a slight calm, though not much. But around 20 minutes in, I entered a phase of dullness, of numbness. I recognized the phase and noted what I could: the vagueness, the lack of control, the blurred vision, the short memory, and the confusion. I reminded myself to experience it and observe the body. I started observing the body, but the mind kept pulling me into lucid dreams. I noticed that the dreams were trying to fix or correct something. When I became aware, I realized I was feeling discomfort about something but didn't know what it was. I noted the discomfort and the difficulty, looked at the body, and tried to locate the sensation. I began to notice a tightness near my chest. I looked at the chest, at the lungs, and thought the tightness was there. When I refocused on that area, I noticed the tightness. At the peak of confusion and discomfort, I realized that the tightness was actually in the stomach, near the pit of the stomach, almost turning into nausea. This brought relief. I started focusing solely on that, and the confusion began to fade as I observed the stomach. The tightness in the stomach started to release. In the end, there was no more confusion. It seemed that all I had to do was observe the body, wait for it to pass, not identify with it or get involved with the mental processes, and the confusion would pass. It seemed that simple: just stay with the body, feel the bodily sensations, and the confusion would disappear. There were moments when I couldn’t do this and got involved with the mind again, and the problems returned. But when I let go and managed to focus on the body, on the bodily sensations, the problems disappeared. Near the end, I even tried to get involved with the mind again as a test, and the confusion did return. So, I refocused on the body. It seems to be like that. I’m not sure if it’s really that simple, but I’ll try to repeat this approach in the next sessions. It seems that if I just focus on the body, the confusion passes.

DAY 2024-08-12

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. I started by noticing a feeling of sadness in the background. Thus, I realized I might face difficulties during the meditation. So, I resolved to face the Nana, to use it to learn and overcome it. To learn the knowledge, gain the knowledge of this Nana, to experience it. With this resolution, I began the meditation.Around 20 minutes in, a dark aspect emerged, a dark background. Many images, lucid dreams, strange things, strange images, all with a dark aspect. I remember an image where I was falling from the sky towards a sea in the background. Then, it seemed like I had taken that sea with a sieve and pulled something out of it. They were strange things, always with this dark background. I tried to observe the sensation of this when I was conscious because the lucid dreams were pulling me. I alternated between being conscious and losing consciousness, always with this dark background.There was a moment when I managed to focus more on the body sensations, trying to perceive what was happening physically, like a tightness in the chest, leg pains, and jolts in the body as I tried to balance my spine. At one point, I managed to weaken this dark aspect, but it kept coming back. I had a lot of difficulty taking that step back, and today it really felt like I was in the middle of a tornado, in the middle of a storm. It was more intense.When I talk about a storm, I refer to this dark aspect, with many images and lucid dreams pulling me into the mind, keeping me more trapped in the mind than in the body sensations. Today, the storm was stronger, and I spent more time inside the mind, being deceived by it, than observing and feeling the body sensations.

DAY 2024-08-13

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. Before sitting down, there wasn't that dark aspect from yesterday; everything felt normal and calm. I sat down, observed, and there was nothing dark today. So, I began to notice, to observe the mind, the quality of the mind, the body, and the tone of the sensations. After about 30 minutes, the mind began to dull, to become numb. Memory became short, vision less clear, and a few daydreams and some brief lucid dreams arose.I noticed something interesting. There was a moment when I was bothered by something. So, I asked myself: what is perceptible? What is bothering me? I spent a moment observing, and it seemed there was nothing to notice. Then, I realized the mind wanted to perceive something. But it was because I wasn't perceiving the absence of obstacles. There was nothing to be noticed as an obstacle. It was calm; there was only an anxiety to perceive something. And that was the obstacle: the anxiety of perceiving more, even without having anything to notice in terms of discomfort.How can I put it? There was tranquility, an absence of things. What was bothering me was the desire to see something that wasn't there. Perhaps this is related to the desire to be something, but it wasn't necessary. It was just about being present and being whatever it was. So, I did that and experienced great tranquility.However, towards the end, I had other moments of numbness because the body relaxed a lot. I struggled again to perceive this desire to be something (or to see something). When I could perceive it, I noted it and then relaxed. It wasn't very clear; it wasn't a great insight, but it was already noticeable to observe this desire to see something that wasn't necessary, that didn't exist to be seen. It's difficult to explain and conceptualize what I perceived.

Acceptance of "boredom" Accept it and gently observe/note/notice it. 

That restlessness to move away from boredom. 

This for me was the main theme in high Equanimity. 

Nothing was happening and all seemed very flat. It was all very uneventful and boring. This is the territory of high EQ. Keep exploring it and keep a daily practice. Do not stop now. Gently keep threading the path. 

Best wishes! 

Hi Dusko!

You were precise. That's exactly how I felt.

I will continue... thanks!

I too wondered at this stage "where is all that unpleasant feeling gone?" I was observing the whole field and stuff was just there ... its all just there and very flat. This is ok. This is "home" for this stage. Nothing to do in here really, just whatever "is" without any extra good or bad on it. Its ok to open eyes in this stage and just notice "seeing the room" you meditate in.  One thing I will say is, do not cling to this stage. Clinging to it will only catapult you back to the A&P and DN again. Which also is ok as one needs to see stuff again in Re-observation one has not seen fully. Once we mature in the DN then the High EQ is very much "unconfused" and "just is" ... which leads to SE on its own, without "me" needing to do anything.  How do I just trust "this" and let it "just be as is"?  p.s. can you hear the nada sound in ears? ​​​​​​​ Material form is a lump of foam, feeling a water bubble; perception is just a mirage, volitions like a plantain’s trunk, consciousness, a magic trick— so says the Kinsman of the Sun. However one may ponder it or carefully inquire, all appears both void and vacant when it’s seen in truth. —“A Lump of Foam,” Samyutta Nikaya, 22.95

Cool Dusko!

Yes. I understand. Ok.
Yes. For me, it sounds like a buzzing.
Very good!

​​​​​​​Thanks Dusko!!!

DAY 2024-08-14

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. I started by reflecting on Samyutta Nikaya 22.95, that Dusko mentioned in my log. This made me open my mind to observe the insubstantiality of the things that arise, those five points: sensation, form, mental formation, perception, and consciousness. I began to see the insubstantiality of everything, and this influenced how I observed these things. I experienced a moment in the phase of dullness, but it was very shallow, and I kept observing. The experiences were all very shallow, without substance. This had a strong influence. It seemed like I was really in either low or high equanimity; I’m not sure yet. But near the end, for example, I noticed a moment of boredom. Just by noticing it, it quickly disappeared. I also observed sounds and felt sensations in my body. I kept observing my spine, trying to auto adjust and maintain the position. Interestingly, everything felt very shallow. I didn’t feel pleasure, nor aversion. Everything was normal. Well, that’s what I noticed.

DAY 2024-08-15

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. I started with a very present mind, very aware. Everything was very clear, with a sense of pleasure. Around the 25-minute mark, I thought I was entering a state of dullness. I observed the characteristics of this dullness and had the feeling that, when I investigated it, the dullness seemed to go away. I could perceive and be aware of it. So, it came and went at first because I was observing and investigating, noticing the blurry vision, the short memory, or the rational part. When I investigated, it seemed like I regained a certain clarity. It wasn’t exactly control, but clarity. I would regain clarity, although there was still this aspect of short memory, of not having everything very clear, but with awareness. Then, the dullness became stronger, and it seemed to settle in. I managed to identify about five lucid dreams—those images where I was trying to solve something and then I would regain awareness of it.

Towards the end, the dullness passed, and I started observing my body. A slight pain in my leg caught my attention, and I kept observing it as it came and went in waves. I would relax for the pain to subside, and it would diminish. Occasionally, anxiety would arise, and the pain would return with intensity, but then I would relax again, and it would go away. I spent time there, playing with this, observing the limits of the pain. Today, the meditation as a whole focused a lot on bodily sensations. There wasn’t much focus on the mind. I spent more time observing the sensations in my body and the insubstantiality of the things that arose.

DAY 2024-08-16

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. I started with a somewhat agitated mind and began to notice the internal conversations, observing the insubstantiality of these conversations and feeling a disenchantment with what was arising. This calmed my mind, but there were still thoughts and work-related worries that impact my family's life. These concerns stood out. However, with other thoughts, random things that came up, I noticed the disenchantment in them, the insubstantiality of them. Around 25 minutes in, I began to see that the phase of dullness was approaching, as my vision started to darken and my memory became short. When I entered the dullness phase, at its peak, I had some lucid dreams.

Afterward, I started to come out of the dullness phase and noticed the presence of boredom. The boredom was very clear today. When I observed it, it weakened. I began to focus on the sensations of the body, the sense doors, and then the boredom faded into relaxation, and I experienced some dullness. Then, I regained consciousness, noticed the boredom again, and returned to the body's sensations and daydreams. Toward the end of the session, instead of dullness, there were daydreams. So, I alternated between boredom, body sensations, and daydreams. Toward the end, I remembered to focus on space, amplitude, because I was experiencing clarity. I started to pay more attention to that and had a moment of freshness and pleasure—not a pleasure of ecstasy, but more of a freshness.

Nice. Yeah, there is no way to have the fresh clear air that comes after a good rain, unless you allow the sky to grow dark and let the rain fall. The dukka nanas aren't problems, they are what makes a profound EQ possible. You can trust the mind to take you where you need to go and you can trust the mind to see what you need to see. It just takes putting the bottom of your pants on the top of the cushion.

Very good, Shargrol 

Thanks!

DAY 2024-08-17

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. I started by reflecting on letting the mind find its own way, as if I were on a horse, where the horse is the mind, and I let go of the reins, allowing the horse to find its way back home. So, I began by noticing the mind was agitated, talking, but with very strong mindfulness, and these conversations were just buzzing in the background. In the initial phase, I had a lot of control over what I was seeing, catching things right from the start, perceiving everything with great clarity and pleasure. The breathing was pleasant. I stayed like this until the 20-minute mark, when I began to relax. As I entered the phase of dullness, I let the mind go, but then I started coughing. When I coughed, it was as if I had to take the reins of the horse again. I regained control, noticed what was happening, and then it was as if I was returning to the fourth Nana. Relaxing once more, I let go of the reins and entered the dullness phase again. After the coughing stopped, I truly entered the dullness phase, where I experienced lucid dreams, a relaxed mind, and short-term memory, but there was a great sense of acceptance. This acceptance, this feeling of freshness, lasted throughout the rest of the session. The lucid dreams gradually diminished, and I became more focused on bodily sensations. Today, I didn't feel any pain in my legs, and I noticed that my back was relaxed; it wasn't upright, but there was no pain, and the position was stable. I had few jerks because, since I wasn't controlling my back to keep it upright, it was relaxed but stable. There was a lot of acceptance and a very strong sense of freshness. I kept observing if I was coming out of the dullness phase. It seemed like I was, but there were still some daydreams and some freshness, a bit of dullness. I was unsure, but I let the mind go slowly, letting it find its own way without interference. There was a great deal of acceptance, and this sense of freshness was very pleasant.

Yesterday I didn't meditate. I went to a wedding party on Saturday, drank, and couldn't get up.

DAY 2024-08-19

​​​​​​​Today I meditated for an hour and reflected on the possibility of encountering more difficulties because I didn't meditate yesterday. There could also be a dark aspect, as when I drink or when it's Monday. This dark aspect I mention is a dark background. Oh, there was another problem too: I started having a cough and some sinusitis again, which could also be a bit disruptive. But I started noting well, with a clear mind, throat discomfort, the urge to cough, and the urge to clear my throat. During the dullness phase, I did notice a dark background aspect, but it was light. I had daydreams, many Images, lucid dreams, and towards the end, I started to notice some confusion and boredom. In the end, boredom became quite strong.

DAY 2024-08-20

Today I meditated for 50 minutes because I made an adjustment to my alarm clock, but it didn't work—it didn't go off. So, I lost a few minutes. Before starting, I had a background of hope because my wife and I made some changes to our routine. I'm going to start meditating earlier so I can go to the gym in the morning before work, freeing up time to help her in the evening. With this, we're also going to reduce one day a week of our housekeeper, who helps us with cleaning. This way, we'll have some financial relief.

In this context of changes, I felt hopeful and very happy as I sat down to meditate, although I was a bit frustrated to be meditating for less than an hour and also because I had sinusitis with a stuffy nose. I started meditating with an agitated mind and my stuffy nose bothering me, but I managed to calm my mind. My breathing was very prolonged because of the stuffy nose, so I had to focus a lot on my breathing, but gradually, my mind calmed down. There was a moment when I entered the phase of dullness, but a few minutes later, my mouth was full of saliva due to the stuffy nose, and I choked. I choked and hurt my throat quite a bit. I was coughing for a long time, and that took me out of the dullness phase, making it feel like I went back to the fourth Nana. That was okay; I continued on, noting again.

The dullness phase didn't come back. I'm not sure if I skipped ahead to low equanimity or something like that, but the feeling was one of bliss. Everything that happened was met with great acceptance—I had no issues at all. I had daydreams, but they were pleasant; I had commentary, but I didn't mind it and quickly returned to bodily sensations. I coughed, no problem; I cleared my throat, no problem; I cleared mucus from my nose, no problem—everything was fine. I believe this is largely due to this background of hope and open-heartedness I'm feeling. It was a very good meditation in that sense—things happened, but everything was okay.

DAY 2024-08-21

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. Before I started, I watched a YouTube short by the Brazilian Monk, where he talked about be aware, consciousness, and mental presence, emphasizing that it alone resolves everything. You don't need to worry about silencing the mind. It is already silent. Be aware is already silent. It has no greed, it has no anger. If there are thoughts, it doesn't matter because they are just thoughts. So, be aware resolves it.

With this idea in mind, I continued meditating with great concentration, being very present, very conscious. The mental presence was very strong. I think I've never experienced it so intensely before. I had some coughing fits, but they didn’t disrupt this strong awareness. Around 25 to 30 minutes in, I felt my mind darkening, wanting to dull, but it didn't progress into daydreams or lucid dreams. There was a strong sense of consciousness. I felt my body disappearing, and as I stayed present, I thought I might even enter jhanas, the jhanas that the forest tradition speaks of. It was very pleasant, with a great sense of bliss.
Around the 40-minute mark, I had a cough that caused some loss of concentration. I was still conscious, but I began to feel the dullness that I usually experience. I started having some daydreams and lucid dreams, but I was still very present. Then, I began to feel a pain in my leg, which was bothering me. The dullness passed, and I was left with a sense of anxiety and boredom. I noticed the pain in my leg, the anxiety, and the boredom. I started to observe the pain in waves, coming and going, but that was all I could focus on. So, I decided to change the position of my leg, which relieved the pain and made the boredom go away. Sometimes, I still noticed a bit of anxiety, but I was present, calm, and felt good.

Interesting reflection on silence and what it is? Where is silence? Is it the "space" where all these objects are in utter flux? 
Is silence in the "wondering" or in "just listening" or in "curiosity" or is silence even there if I'm not noticing it?  

Its a very good subject! 

What caught my attention when he mentioned silence is precisely what I think is a misunderstanding when trying to communicate this strong and persistent state of consciousness. Because I have never found silence in my meditations. Being aware of the emptiness of what arises is what perhaps some call silence. I don't mind.

I edited the today log because was written wrong "science" instead of "aware".

DAY 2024-08-22

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour and experienced the Vipassana Jhanas. I went through the first phase of control and pleasure, noting well. Then, during the phase of dullness, I saw the mind darkening, with memory fading, short-term memory diminishing, and the intellectual part becoming muffled, but with a pleasant freshness. In the final phase, I regained clarity and memory. In this last part, I went through two phases: one where I felt a bit of anxiety, and as I began to investigate this anxiety, it disappeared, leaving me with just awareness. In the final moments, the last 10 minutes, everything felt warm, shallow, and it seemed like nothing was happening. I was listening to the sounds of the house; my children and wife had woken up. I kept returning to observe the sensations in the body, whatever was arising in the body. I noticed the comments; there were always comments. They weren't thoughts, just comments. No pleasure or displeasure, everything was neutral. A sense of peace, like that. That's how it was today.

DAY 2024-08-23

​​​​​​​Today I meditated for an hour. I started with a very strong awareness, and the experience was pleasurable at first, with a certain level of control. I allowed my mind to find its own path, trusting it. In this way, meditation becomes easier, and there's greater acceptance of things when we trust that the mind is capable. I noticed several times that I had thoughts and small daydreams, but the mind always returned to focus. And when that happened, I was calm because I trusted it would return. This brings great relief, and meditation seems to become easy.

It started like this, but later came a phase of dullness. During this phase, I had difficulty letting the mind be free because I started having lucid dreams, which generated a certain aversion. I still feel this aversion when I have lucid dreams, as if I’m losing control. I’ve been advised to let this happen and to experience this lack of control. I remembered this and, towards the end of the session, began to allow things to happen. This helped a bit, and I started noticing many things like images, sounds, confusion, boredom, and anxiety. I observed and allowed these experiences to occur, and just the act of allowing the experience brought more awareness and, at the same time, more acceptance. I was able to relax a bit more.
It seems like this was a phase of re-observation, right? After an hour, I had to end the session.

DAY 2024-08-24

Today, I meditated for an hour. Before starting, as has been happening lately, I read very little about the Dhamma. I’ve been reading only a short, quick text. I haven’t been very interested, because I realize that the reading hasn’t been contributing much. Sometimes it motivates me, but other times it doesn’t, because I also see that it’s the mind that does the work, not my intellect. I’ve already become disillusioned with the idea that it’s the intellect that does the work, because it isn’t. Now, I trust that it’s the mind that does the work, and the important thing is to let it act without interference, getting out of its way.
I also wanted to comment on another area of my life. There was a phase, before I started logging here on DhO, where I became skeptical about reading and other work-related things, or about human concerns in general. I didn’t want to know about anything else; I just wanted to read about the Dhamma and practice, almost like a monk. That phase has passed. Now, I’m interested in my daily life again, reading work-related things, improving professionally, and getting better at what I do. And when it’s time to meditate, I just sit and let the mind flow.
As for today’s meditation: I started by letting my mind be free. At first, it seemed agitated, wanting to think about various things or do something to calm down. But I just noted it and let it go, noted it and let it go. It’s interesting how the mind resolves the problem on its own and eventually calms down. Then, I entered a phase of concentration, pleasure, and focus on a single point. I observed things point by point, with pleasure involved, control, and memory. Then came the phase of dullness. Everything darkened, I started having more mental images, and my memory became somewhat short, but not too much. Today, I didn’t have any lucid dreams.
After that, I returned to clarity, but continued alternating between phases of clarity and dullness, with moments of tranquility. I think this alternation was influenced by the fact that I have sinusitis, which I’m treating with alternative methods, without antibiotics. Because of this, I’ve been coughing a lot for the past week, and I believe that’s what caused this oscillation between clarity and dullness. But behind it all, there was a lot of acceptance. I didn’t try to change the situation. Sometimes I noticed I was trying to change, or experiencing confusion and anxiety, but I noted it, and it passed, and I returned to a state of calm. That’s what happened.

DAY 2024-08-25 ​​​​​​

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. I read a post that asked why we can't just stay with the body breathing during meditation practice. With that in mind, I sat down to meditate. It's interesting because you start to define what is not part of it, meaning what arises that isn't related to focusing on the breath. The mind then creates an alert. It became very clear: the mind was calm, concentrated, observing what arose, and focused on the breath, on the body breathing. Thoughts started to arise, and I would notice them, and they would pass. There was a desire to cough, so I coughed. Some thoughts turned into quick daydreams, but I noticed them, and as soon as I became aware of them, I returned to the breath and felt a great relief. I stayed just with the breath, in that peace, in that bliss, a great pleasure associated with it. I stayed like that, and it became very clear to me as the fourth Ñāṇa.

​​​​​​​Then, I entered the phase of dullness because I realized I could no longer focus solely on the breath. I had to expand my awareness. I began to perceive sounds, body sensations, the breath, comments, murmuring thoughts in the mind—various things. In this phase of dullness, the daydreams started to occur more frequently. I no longer had much control over them; they would come and go, a lot of daydreams. But there was a great aspect of acceptance, and my breath remained calm. Every time I returned from a daydream, I checked if there was any rejection, and I couldn’t perceive any. So, I would return my attention to the breath, and it was calm. Doubts would arise about the number of daydreams coming and going, wondering if everything was okay, and eventually, I realized they were just doubts. I would let them go, return to feeling calm, and continue observing the body.

DAY 2024-08-26

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. I started with an agitated mind. I observed it and remembered to let the mind do the work. I just noted and let the mind calm down. It gradually became calmer. I entered the phase of pure awareness. The meditation was easy, pleasant, and under control. This phase didn’t last long. After that, I entered a phase of dullness. My mind became dark, and my memory was short. I started catching myself asking what I was doing, beginning to feel confused. Then, there was a moment when I remembered to let the mind be what it is, to experience whatever needed to be experienced. A thought came to me: “This is the mind, make peace with it. Make peace with it.” And a great sense of acceptance for what was happening came over me. I relaxed and let it be. I stayed like this for a while, just letting it be. But then confusion returned, with lucid dreams. I found myself conscious again, feeling a bit lost. I would then return to observing the body. So, I kept fluctuating between states of consciousness. It seemed like re-observation, with confusion. Then I began to feel boredom and anxiety. There was still some confusion. I set the intention to experience and accept it. I was there, present, noticing these confusions, irritations, and pain in my leg. I accepted it. The pain in my leg was getting stronger, and I wanted to change positions. I thought, “No, it’s just the vibration.” I began to focus on the vibration. I accepted it. The pain became bearable, controllable. It was mild, and I didn’t need to change positions. And I ended up with this feeling, toward the end, of boredom and anxiety.

DAY 2024-08-27

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. I began by setting the intention to observe ill-will, just like yesterday when I aimed to simply be a breathing body. Anything outside of that, I intended to notice and pay more attention to. Today, I set a more specific intention: to observe ill-will, to see the resistance to accepting the situation as it is. In the beginning, I ended up observing thoughts and comments, and that was fine. There was no aversion to it. At the start, since I had more control, more attention, and strong awareness, I was drawn to the pleasure of the body—breathing, with an upright spine, in a comfortable position. Initially, the meditation was very easy.

Then, I started to notice the phase of dullness approaching. It varied at first between darkness, blurred vision, short memory, and more daydreams. Then it progressed to lucid dreams, with many random images. I tried to observe some ill-will at that moment, but it wasn’t very clear. Sometimes I noticed a slight ill-will, a slight unwillingness to accept what was happening. But as soon as I noticed it, it would already go away, and I would return to observing the sensations in the body.
Toward the end, I began to notice boredom and daydreams. I also started to suspect that daydreaming might be a way to escape boredom—it seems so. I'm still trying to understand when this happens. I can't quite catch the beginning of the daydream, but it seems to be an escape from boredom. Anyway, in the end, I was more focused on this: observing the boredom, the daydreams, and the leg pain that sometimes appeared. But I didn’t change position; I accepted the pain, and it wasn’t a problem today.

DAY 2024-08-28

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. I started with an agitated mind, but I observed it with confidence, believing it would calm down on its own. I kept noting and observing. The meditation was easy, with strong awareness. The mind calmed down, and I focused on the breath. I went through a phase of a relaxed body and pleasant breathing. Everything was under control, with lots of energy and pleasure. Then I entered a phase of dullness: my memory became short, and my vision darkened. I tried to notice the minimum amount of confusion, as initially there wasn’t any. Over time, many images began to appear. I was noting the images and the body. There was a moment when it seemed like nothing was happening. I thought I had left the dullness phase, but I continued observing the body and what was occurring. I remembered to observe the space, but I couldn’t perceive the space or what was happening very well. When I returned to the dullness phase, I was observing and noting the body. Then, I realized that it had transformed into an illusion, an image similar to a dream. I tried to note the body, but they weren’t bodily sensations; it seemed more like a mini dream, a lucid dream. I can’t explain it well, but the experience transformed into that: confusions, mini confusions. I tried to increase the observation and notice more things. I noted sensations in the body, mental images, lucid dreams. And that’s how it stayed. Everything was nebulous. Actually, it was a nebulous, dull phase that remained until the end.

DAY 2024-08-29

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. I started in the control phase, noticing daydreams and letting the mind follow its course, calming down, confident that it would follow its path. Then came the pleasant phase, where I observed the body, the pleasant breathing, and the upright posture; everything was very calm and pleasant, with clarity and control of the situation.Then, the phase of dullness began. Initially, it seemed to settle in, but I kept regaining consciousness. However, this phase deepened, reaching a point where many images, random voices, and lucid dreams emerged. But today, I was very aware of these lucid dreams. They were short, and I caught them quickly, and this awareness kept increasing. In the final phase, I was noting and alternating a lot between body and mind. I was in the re-observation phase because I noticed some confusion, but this confusion, when noted quickly, didn’t disturb me. I felt a bit of dukkha, but lightly; I would notice it and it would fade away, giving way to another image or thing to be noted. Overall, I was very present, very much in control, and it seemed like I was perceiving things better.

DAY 2024-08-30

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. My mind was a bit agitated. I observed it and let it rest, confident that it would calm down on its own. It became calm. I started to notice the body, entering the control phase, but I didn't feel much pleasure in this phase; it was more neutral. Then, the dullness phase began, but it wasn't firm yet. The control phase and the dullness phase alternated. Later, the dullness phase became stable. Many images appeared, with short-term memory. However, I didn't have any lucid dreams today; I was quite conscious.

Then, I started to feel a certain boredom. Doubts arose about whether I was noting correctly because it seemed like nothing was happening. I recalled teachings related to this and tried to focus on the body. I wanted to notice something, but it seemed like nothing was fitting in. I could only perceive sounds and body sensations; it felt like only that was happening. I felt uncomfortable, and then I realized it wasn't exactly boredom. There was some boredom, but everything was neutral. So, I started to notice this neutrality, seeing that things were neutral in terms of tone, neither unpleasant nor pleasant. With that, I felt calm and relaxed my body.
Afterward, it seemed like I went back to being cloudy, but relaxed. I focused on the sensation in my forehead and on my breathing, but it seemed like everything else faded away, leaving only that. Then, it passed, and I started noticing more things again, with more clarity and the same sense of neutrality. So, it was a bit cloudy at times, but mostly neutral at the end. That was it.

Next time, see can you relax this process. See if you can just relax the need to be doing anything at all. If it can't be relaxed then simply notice it. Stuff gets pretty subtle out here. You're basically watching the self create suffering. Stuff is neutral: "This is too neutral" | Stuff is cloudy: "This is too cloudy"

Notice this.

As usual you're doing great. Nice work man

Nice! The ability to notice "neutral" is a very important skill. As I mentioned in another post just a moment ago, it's sort of the on ramp to developing much more subtle noticing. The mind naturally wants to ignore neutralness, it's boring, we're indifferent to it... but by training the ability to notice neutral as neutral we suddently will see that there is an entire world of richness we've been ignoring because the "I" doesn't have any use for "neutral". The "I" loves to focus on negative/aversion and positive/greed.

After I see "neutral" I relaxed. But you are suggesting me to relax to after see neutral. Ok.

Wow! I hadn't thought of that.

Thanks so much, Bahiya!

Very interesting! This complements what Bahiya said. The "Self" and the "neutral" do not mix.

Thank you very much, Shargrol!

DAY 2024-08-31

​​​​​​​Today, I did an hour of meditation, allowing my mind to rest and relax. I began to notice my thoughts diminishing, entering a phase of control and experiencing pleasure. At that moment, it felt like I was taking off a tight shoe. The thoughts were like slowly taking off the shoe and experiencing the pleasure of feeling the relief from those thoughts. A pleasure that comes from a state of peace, with a calm mind. Then, that pleasure passed, just as when you take off the shoe and, after the relief, the sensation returns to normal. I then entered the "normal" phase, where nothing was happening. The mind started to dull, my memory became short, and my vision darkened, but I didn’t have any daydreams; I was quite conscious. And then, after yesterday’s discussion about neutrality, about how boredom turns into neutrality, I began to notice this. I realized that nothing was happening, there was a bit of boredom, and not much to note. But today, I didn’t feel that urge to notice things. As I was advised, I simply relaxed into that "nothing," into not perceiving anything, into everything being neutral. And so, in the final phase, after relaxing, I started to notice my breath. The breath began to catch my attention. As I relaxed, the sensation of the breath became clearer. And I began to feel a pleasure of peace, of bliss in that. But it wasn’t a focused vision on the breath, it was a broader vision. I remembered a simile, as if I were in the sea, with my hand on a buoy, and the buoy was the breath, while I looked into the depths of the sea, where other things emerged and were noted. In this, I noticed my head was airy, as if my body was light, with vibrations in the body, but more vibrations in the head, in the forehead. It was as if my head was light. I remained in this pleasant state, of freshness, until the end.

DAY 2024-09-01

​​​​​​​​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for 50 minutes. I came to my mother-in-law’s house. My family is going to travel, but I’m not. Because of that, I had to wake up almost an hour earlier than usual and, thus, I started the meditation by calming my mind.Today’s meditation was very close to the phase of dullness. I couldn’t clearly distinguish whether I actually entered that phase. I was alternating between daydreams and awareness of my body, sounds, images, and thoughts. I was in a state where my vision was broader, observing everything happening. It wasn’t focused; it was expanded, varying between moments of daydreaming and moments of consciousness.In the end, my family started waking up and getting ready to leave. I was worried about whether I should stop, as I will need to take care of the baby while my son and wife, along with my father-in-law and sister-in-law, go on the trip. Despite that, I remained conscious of everything, noticing everything, and being very present.

DAY 2024-09-02

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. I started by calming my mind and entered a phase of control, clarity, and ease in meditation. Then, the dullness phase began. Initially, the dullness was light, with images. I noticed that if I focused on my breath, my vision would become darker, pulling me into darkness. So, I realized that in this phase, it's important not to try to focus on a single point but to broaden my focus, trying to be aware of all the sense doors. And that's what I did, and the darkness improved. I felt... it was like being intoxicated. It was foggy, but I became more aware, more present.Well, then the dullness deepened. I started having lucid dreams. I found myself coming out of them, and the dream was composed of images and conversations, all random. It wasn't thinking, it wasn't daydreaming; it was truly a lucid dream. It wasn't reasoning; it was as if something was trying to solve something, something... random. Nothing made sense. Anyway, I noticed when I was coming out of this phase, and, upon emerging from the lucid dream, I saw that conversation turning into meaningless chatter.Then it started becoming confusing. It's like that analogy of the washing machine: as if I were inside the washing machine, and when I came out of it, I saw all that confusion happening, that madness. But it was calm because I looked, and my breathing was calm. Then, I would go back to being inside that washing machine again. I could only note that. And then, I would come out of the washing machine, observing myself while it was happening.And then clarity began to appear at the end. There were jolts happening, many jolts. I tried to adjust my body; there were jolts, and then discomfort emerged in this phase. Suddenly, the jolts stopped happening, I became calm, and there was no more confusion. I was observing my breathing, and my head felt light, airy, with a freshness. But this was only in the last 5 minutes. And then, when the hour was up, I finished.

DAY 2024-09-03

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. Before I started, I didn’t read anything about the Dharma. In fact, I ended up not reading to see what would happen, which I’ve done before. My mind started off a bit agitated. I was observing the mind, not the body. There was a murmur, a background conversation, but I was present and aware, observing it. Gradually, the mind began to calm down. Then, I started to notice the body, and daydreams emerged. During this initial phase, I had many daydreams, to the point where I didn’t even notice the dullness phase. I would notice when I came out of a daydream and realized I was already in the dullness phase, but not in the classic way that I usually experience; it was not as deep, it was lighter.

Then, I began to notice reluctance. I realized there was a connection between reluctance and the daydreams. These daydreams were related to desires and concerns about my work, the desire to make things happen, and new ideas for work. When I started to notice these daydreams, which were strong, I would return to the meditation, but there was reluctance associated with it. So, I began to observe the reluctance. When I noticed it and it went away, I was present again, observing bodily sensations and sensory doors. Thoughts returned, but now the daydreams were weaker because I noticed them right away. I was noticing both the daydreams and the reluctance.
At one point, I felt pain in my leg and noticed that there was reluctance in observing it. But when I recognized the reluctance, I noted it, and then I observed the pain in my leg. After that, it became easier; it was just reluctance related to the pain in my leg. There was a moment when I wanted to stretch and ended up stretching, and I noticed reluctance in that as well. Overall, today’s meditation revolved a lot around this aspect of reluctance and daydreams.

DAY 2024-09-04

Today, I meditated for an hour. Since yesterday’s meditation was very loose, and I ended up daydreaming a lot, today I set the intention to be more present, to experience whatever needed to be experienced, and to try to motivate the practice. I set this resolution because I wasn’t feeling the initial motivation, so I focused on this purpose. And it worked well because I remained vigilant about being present and not daydreaming. I quickly calmed my mind, stayed present, noting, and today the phase of dullness was also short, shallow, and light. I noticed my mind—or rather, my vision—darkening, and I wasn’t uncertain about it because, when I see my vision darkening, I usually project that it will lead to dullness, that it will become strong, but I’ve realized that this doesn’t always happen. So I noted the uncertainty, and my mind quickly expanded; I was looking more broadly through all the sense doors, and it didn’t go any further; I stayed present. This happened about four times: I saw my vision darkening, noted the uncertainty, and it passed. It was very interesting to see this. So, the dullness didn’t progress. After my awareness stabilized, I started to notice a discomfort, the mind wanting to change something about the experience. When I relaxed, I began to realize that this was boredom. I noted the boredom, relaxed, allowed myself to experience it, and it passed. I then had good moments of just being conscious, observing the body, the sensations of the body, the sense doors. Sometimes I would waver, relax too much, and thoughts would arise, wanting to turn into daydreams, and then the boredom would return. I would notice the boredom again, do the same thing, and it would pass. So, this confirmed that it was indeed boredom because I could relax it, and then I was present, perceiving. In the end, I became somewhat absorbed in the breath, being very present, just with the breath.

DAY 2024-09-05

Today I meditated for an hour. I started by setting the intention to be more present, to experience what was meant to be experienced, with a focus on noticing daydreams or the desire to think. This way, I began to calm my mind, but the initial phase of control still had many distractions, a lot of desire to think. Things related to work. I’m going through a phase of new ideas at the company, and I’m very motivated by these new ideas. This is triggering the desire to think. Many new ideas came up, ways to solve our goals at the company.Then the phase of dullness appeared. I saw my vision darkening, but it was shallow. As has been happening these past few days, this phase has been shallow. The distractions decreased. In the final phase, I was more conscious, with more clarity. The phase of dullness passed, and I started noticing anxiety and some pain in my leg. I would relax, and then the anxiety would return. I would focus on the sensory doors, but then the anxiety returned; I noticed it and let it pass. I would relax again. It stayed in this cycle during the final phase.

DAY 2024-09-06

​​​​​​​I meditated for an hour. I started by setting the intention to stay present and experience whatever needed to be experienced. I also took refuge in the Buddha, the Dhamma, and the Sangha. I dedicated the merit of my practice to all beings. This gave me a lot of energy and made me feel happy. I had some moments of pleasure in the beginning. I also noticed some daydreams. Then, I entered a phase of dullness, with my vision darkening. I noticed the uncertainty, but it didn’t deepen. There was a shallow phase of dullness. I haven’t had lucid dreams, just daydreams. I observed the body. There was a sense of short-term memory. I tried to investigate, but I just stayed in the moment. Later, the daydreams appeared again, and I was able to return to thinking, but I alternated between a "blank/empty" state and periods of thoughts about the Dhamma. Then, I moved into a final phase of clarity. The dullness stopped, everything became clear, and then boredom started to arise. I noticed pain in my legs and buttocks. My son woke up and made a lot of noise, and I spent a lot of time noticing him moving around, also noticing some anxiety and a bit of boredom.

DAY 2024-09-07

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. I started by taking refuge in the Buddha, the Dhamma, and the Sangha. Then, I practiced a bit of Metta, offering the merits of my practice to all beings. This lubricated the practice, bringing energy, joy, and opening my heart. In the initial phase, I experienced more concentration, more acceptance, and pleasure.

Later, I entered the phase of dullness, where I experienced more lucid dreams and confusion. In the final phase, leg pain appeared. I changed position, and then clarity returned. I was able to notice a desire and boredom, but as I observed them, they disappeared. Everything was very clear. For example, a thought arose: "Wow, this suffering doesn't stop." However, when I noticed the thought, it immediately vanished, and there was nothing left, just a neutral state.
Perhaps I confused this neutral state with aversion, but no, it had turned neutral. When I noticed it, it became neutral, and I didn’t realize that it had disappeared. Everything was neutral. It was interesting to observe this. As I noted the states, they disappeared and transformed into neutrality.

DAY 2024-09-08

Today, I meditated for an hour. I started with a very scattered mind and then began to take refuge in the Buddha, the Dhamma, and the Sangha. I practiced some metta, wishing and offering the merit of my practice to all beings, resolving to experience what needed to be experienced. Gradually, the mind began to calm down, and everything became clear. I had a headache and a feeling of discomfort before sitting, and I started to observe that. And, during the meditation, it all disappeared. There was nothing bad left, no aversion. Sometimes I still felt the headache, but without aversion, the sensation was neutral. I was very aware, noticing the sense doors in general.

Then, the phase of dullness came. I began to see a lot of confusion. I didn’t notice it as confusion but as images, like lucid dreams. I would return to awareness, perceiving body sensations. But, in this more dull phase, it was as if I were inside a washing machine, spinning, with difficulty noting. Later, towards the end, I started to notice that I was coming out and observing the confusion. I noticed it as "confusion" and remained calm. I observed those images, those conversations, all those crazy things, simply as confusion, but I was calm. In the end, it felt like peace, like bliss, just noting and seeing it all separately.

DAY 2024-09-09

​​​​​​​Today, I meditated for an hour. I started with an agitated mind and gradually calmed down. I also took refuge in the Buddha, the Dhamma, and the Sangha. I practiced Metta, offering the merits of the practice to all beings, and resolved to experience whatever was necessary. At first, I had many wandering thoughts, coming and going, which I noted quite a lot. Then, after those 15 minutes, I said enough and focused on staying alert to the wandering thoughts. This helped. I became more present, noting during the control phase and perceiving the doors of the senses.

Then, I entered the phase of dullness, where I noticed a lot of confusion. There were wandering thoughts and confusion. At the peak of this confusion, which consisted of images and lucid dreams, I was unsure of what I was noting—whether it was confusion or uncertainty. But now, after leaving the meditation, I see that it was indeed confusion. So, doubt and confusion are the same thing. We become uncertain about what we are noting because there is so much confusion. I think I was noting correctly.
Later, I had a lot of pain in my legs, so I changed position. After changing position, I felt a lot of anger, as there was confusion about whether I should try not to change position and accept more. I felt a lot of aversion, questioning if I was practicing correctly. But again, I believe this was confusion. Then the anger passed, and the wandering thoughts remained.

DAY 2024-09-10

Before sitting to meditate, I felt a sense of energy and hope regarding the practice. I began by calming my mind, taking refuge in the Buddha, the Dhamma, and the Sangha, practicing Metta, and making the resolution to experience whatever needed to be experienced. This desire to experience whatever arose had a very positive aspect, as if, through difficulties, I would discover something I didn't yet know. I was interested in experiencing the difficulties.

As I started, I felt tranquility and began to relax. My vision became blurry, and I had trouble noting. I noticed it as confusion, with random images and lucid dreams, but I remained calm, simply noting the confusion. There were moments when I was noting many things at once, feeling confused, like being inside a washing machine spinning. Later, I managed to get out of that confusion and, towards the end, I entered a phase of neutrality.
I started thinking: "I’m noting, but there is no pleasure." I questioned myself and observed, but I couldn't find any pleasure—it was neutral. Then I thought: "Is this bothering me? Is it bad?" But that didn’t seem to fit either. So, I concluded it was neutral, though there was a slight inclination towards freshness, leaning more towards positive than negative. It was a neutral leaning towards positive.
From there, I started to get absorbed in my breathing and bodily sensations. My vision began to close, and I became more absorbed. In the end, I felt a sense of peace and tranquility that seemed like equanimity.

Best wishes! 

Thanks Dusko!

DAY 2024-09-11

I meditated for an hour, starting calmly, taking refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha. I set an intention, the purpose of experiencing whatever needed to be experienced, knowing that it's in difficulties that we learn wisdom. I practiced Metta, offering the merit of my practice. The initial phase was calm, noticing many things, everything under control, the meditation was easy. Then came the phase of dullness, the mind darkens, becoming dull. Today, I noticed the jolts more clearly; there are always some jolts, but today they were more evident. Many jolts in my hands, in my elbows, trying to adjust my spine. Not exactly straightening it, but small movements that seemed to want to adjust the spine, involuntary movements. I noticed I was trying to observe more, wanting to understand where the discomfort was. There was a certain discomfort, boredom, and some confusion. Then, in the final phase, the leg pains began to appear, the urge to change position, but I just kept observing. It became acceptable. I continued observing the body, the sense doors, and in the end, a bit of boredom appeared, very weak, but it grew. I started to gain more clarity, and the phase of dullness passed.

DAY 2024-09-12

Today I meditated for an hour. I started with very strong concentration, to the point where I didn't even need to mentally note anything. I was just observing things arise. There was no need to note. I was very close to what was arising, seeing everything with great clarity. I was just observing. This strong concentration lasted for about 25 minutes. It was such intense concentration that there were no distractions. I would simply notice thoughts as thoughts, and that was all that happened. I also noticed sensations in the body, small jolts. In the smallest details, I could see those subtle jolts happening, accepting everything. There was great pleasure.

Then, I entered a phase of dullness, and I noticed it. It was as if, before, I had several things "in my hands," being able to control them. And gradually, I was losing that control, being left with only two or just one thing "in my hands." As I'm already familiar with this, I accepted it and continued. There wasn't much discomfort in only having one or two things "in my hands." Again, during this phase, there was a certain level of control. It wasn't exactly control, but more of a presence. The concentration was still strong. Few distractions occurred, even though in this phase I usually experience more distractions. But this time, they were few and short. There were no vivid dreams, but many images and perceptions of the senses.
I forgot to mention that the two or one things in my hands were: the recollection of noting and the recollection of accepting the situation.
Then, the dullness started to fade, and everything became clearer. That's when boredom arose. There was a bit of boredom and a bit of discomfort. I think this discomfort was related to the sense of control I still had, but I wasn't sure. So, I started to note it as doubt, as uncertainty. The boredom itself took some time for me to understand. Is this boredom? I started noting it as boredom, and then it became clear that it really was boredom. And that's how it stayed until the end.

DAY 2024-09-13

Today I meditated for an hour. I started by calming the mind and, at first, I didn’t make any resolutions, nor did I take refuge in the Buddha or practice Metta. I ended up forgetting about it. Later on, what I noticed was that the mind was interested, initially just in the pleasure of investigating. It wasn’t as concentrated as yesterday, but it was doing fine. The phase of dullness started to arise, and I realized that it’s related to a lack of interest. Things started to feel monotonous, so I began investigating that lack of interest. Why was I uninterested? I noticed the lack of interest as something monotonous.

I kept noting along with mental images, bodily sensations, neutrality, lack of pleasure, aversion, ill-will, a lot of ill-will, and lack of interest. And when I investigated, that brought back the interest. So, it kept alternating between ill-will, lack of interest, and, after investigation, there was some relief, and things calmed down. I went back to noting bodily sensations, which were easier to perceive. There was neutrality after identifying the lack of interest, ill-will, and monotony.
So, the phase of dullness didn’t actually deepen. It kept alternating between moments of aversion, discomfort due to lack of interest, monotony, neutrality, and ill-will. Today, these aspects of the phase of dullness became clearer to me.

DAY 2024-09-14 ​​​​

Today I meditated for an hour. The mind started off talkative, daydreaming a lot. I let it play a little, without forcing it to stop daydreaming. I was aware and noticing. After a while, it would come back. Then there came a moment when I started to observe: why did it want to daydream? The subjects were interesting, and I started to adopt an attitude like: "Go ahead, continue. What else do you want to talk about?" There was an interest in understanding why not stay in the present moment and instead daydream. The mind eventually became disillusioned with wanting to keep thinking and stopped. Then I just stayed in the moment, noting. The phase of dullness did not turn into that phase of short memory; it didn’t go there. It was more inclined towards monotony, a feeling of reluctance, monotony. I kept investigating this and thought: "Well, this is the point where I’ve been stopping, this is what I need to investigate." I tried to stimulate the interest in investigating, but the mind remained in that feeling of monotony and reluctance. I was aware, noting, and then I would go back to observing feelings and sensations through the sensory doors. Then, I focused on relaxation and the sensations of the breath. I stayed there for a moment, there was some pleasure, a desire to absorb, but then it turned neutral. The mind lost interest again and returned to monotony. So, the cycle continued. In the end, the pain in my leg started to draw a lot of attention, bringing tension. My attention stayed focused on the leg pain and didn’t move away from it. I tried to investigate, but there was some reluctance.

I understand that I just need to observe and let the experience unfold. Placing an interest in investigating. This is what I’ve been trying to do, letting the mind naturally find its way.

DAY 2024-09-16

​​​​​​​Today I did an hour of meditation. I started by calming the mind, setting the intention to be with the experience. I took refuge in the Buddha, the Dhamma, and the Sangha. I practiced Metta. Soon, I began to be fully attentive, able to notice well, and entered the phase of dullness. But it was shallow. I could notice the experiences well; I saw many things today. I investigated. When I became dull, I would ask what it was. That expanded the mind. I looked and saw things as separate, saw solid things being broken apart. But when I saw things broken, it felt like I had a desire to gain insight, to want to perceive more, to understand what was behind it. But there was nothing. And then, this desire, this discomfort of wanting to perceive more, lingered. The mind would clear, expand, and then I would become dull again. It stayed in this cycle, always with the discomfort of wanting to perceive more. I was already seeing things breaking apart, but there was still the discomfort of wanting to have an insight. So, I just noted. It seemed like confusion. I noted the confusion, the pain in my leg, the desire to change positions, the sounds around me. In short, I noticed a lot of things today. And deep down, there was a desire to perceive more, to have insights.

It does feel a little stagnant, but I don't have good advice beyond looking for where there is remaining ill will.

It's going to be subtle, but the "this is not enough feeling" could be looked at. Where is it? How does it feel? Is it true? And maybe imagine, if this discontent wasn't here, what would I be feeling instead?

Sometimes we experience a mood to protect us by filling in the space because we fear a void. Sometimes we experience a mood so that we cover up and don't feel a deeper underlying mood. So stay curious, what is going on here?

Ultimately, remember that you are just sitting in a room with nothing you need to do -- what/where is the resistance to "being here"? What is the resistance -- if any -- to "delighting in simplicity"? (Sometimes we simply forget that being happy with things as they are is a valid option! )

These non-states can be challenging to figure out, usually it's something small that is actually big. Like "I don't deserve for things to be easy" or "if there is nothing happening I'll disappear" or "quietness means something is wrong" or "if things are simple then I am dumb" --- or other slightly confused and wrong "views" we have that complicate a simple situation.

I think that's exactly it. It seems like I'm lacking the ability to accept and take delight in simplicity. In other words, I'm looking for problems where there are none. Here in Brazil, we say: 'looking for horns on a horse's head.'

The discomfort seems to be more related to doubt—doubt about whether I'm doing it right. But if there's nothing to notice, it's because there is no problem. So, it seems like it's the 'emptiness' that's bothering me and causing doubt. I'll look into that.

Thanks so much, Shargrol!

A funny kind of "inquiry" type approach is to ask "how is this a problem?" and if something seems like it's a problem, then ask/inquire "no really, how is this truly a problem?" 

(These "inquiry" type approaches are not intended to be answered with a verbal/narrative answer, but rather to kind of inspire the curiousity to look closely at the nature of experience itself. )

Yes, today I understand how to do these inquiries and just observe. It really increases the mind's interest/curiosity to investigate at the level of sensations.

Thanks again!

DAY 2024-09-17

I did a one-hour meditation and started with the resolution to experience simplicity, to be more in tune with bodily sensations. I began by calming the mind, observing and noting the sensations of the body and thoughts. Quickly, the mind calmed down, and I entered that pleasant phase of enjoyment, just experiencing the sensations. Later on, I entered the phase of dullness, and then I started to investigate it with curiosity. I would ask myself, "What does this dullness feel like?" And I would note it. Sometimes it was dark vision, or, when it wasn't dark vision, it was random images. These images were connected to bodily sensations. For example, I was very relaxed, it felt like my body was floating in the sea, in the water, gently swaying, with a pleasant vibration. There was an image associated with that sensation. And this relaxed feeling came with a slight drowsiness; it wasn't sleep, but that sensation of wanting to sleep. However, I was alert, I wasn't sleepy, there was still energy. I also noticed slight jerks.

What characterized the dullness the most was this dark vision, or the images, and the feeling of the body being relaxed, light, and loose. Later, I started to feel strong tension in my leg, pulling me into doubt, and I decided to change position to be able to notice other things. The dullness started to pass, and I focused more on the sensations in my body. I didn't feel bored, I was curious, questioning myself, "What is this that I'm feeling?" I remained fully focused on bodily sensations, and when there was nothing mentally happening, I concentrated on the sensations of the body. I was calm.
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Today, I noticed the mental problems, the discomforts, the anxieties, the obsessions, as nothing. I investigated them and saw that they had no substance. I just needed to investigate what the problem was, and it would disappear. It became clear how we are the ones causing the problems, wanting something beyond the simplicity of the moment.
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Sometimes we have to give up the game of meditation to be with the reality of our experience. 

Sometimes we have to give up the game so we can enjoy simplicity. 

Sometimes we have to give up the game so we can grieve deeply in ways our chronic gaming wont allow. 

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So ...  

Why is it not ok to be with the unreal part of our experience? What decides which experience is "real" and which "unreal"? Why is one good to be mindfully of and the other bad to be mindful of? 


Can we not also enjoy complexity? Why should I favour simplicity? 
To know what game to give up I must find the name of the game first! Is there a "me" in all this to do this giving up? 

To grieve we "go into it" but not on the expense of giving up anything else, as in needing to push this "game" away so I could do this grieving now. That game we play might show the way to deep grieving if we get to intimately know that game we play instead of wanting to stop playing it. 

I rumble over morning coffee, after only a couple of hours of bad sleep My words might just be a dreaming and not "real"  

​​​​​​​Best wishes! 

Totally


You shouldn't, but in the context of the conversation, it seemed Andre was favoring the allure of complex meditative phenomena and then...


Undoubtedly the simple moment he described was made up of a vast interweaving of complexities.


I see what your saying but in my experience of first and second path, many of my most profound breakthroughs have come from just giving up, like, if I had stopped to get bogged down in who it was specifically that was giving up, then I never would have gotten anywhere and at that point in my practice I don't know if I could identify the "me", I really just saw the consequence of its existence. 

Tilopa gives the instruction "Do nothing but relax", which I think is great instruction. Particularly after a period in which we have really put a lot of effort into meditation. Which even now for me, no matter how often it is asked "who" the "me" is that efforts, can still happen. A lot of important moments, a lot of deep grieving could occur for me in the early paths when I just gave up or when I did nothing but relax after periods of intense active meditation practice.

I also think thiis type of practice can be a great gateway into investigating who, where and what is this me because we try to do nothing, we try to just relax, we try to give up and this thing that keeps bugging us, keeps annoying us, keeps clambering for attention becomes utterly unavoidable. So giving up the game of whatever your chronic meditation practice is for a time and instead doing a bit of giving up is a great way to really get a luck at the "me".

I suspect Andre you are a bit of an achiever so do try out a bit of "fuck it! I give up!" type practice if you're ever feeling stuck. 


I think we can all agree there's a lot of wisdom here.

DAY 2024-09-18

I meditated for an hour. I started by slightly changing my focus. I set the intention to try to experience silence, to understand what silence is, in the sense of perceiving the emptiness, the silence. Although I don’t really know what that is, I tried to observe it. I noted everything that arose. What appeared to me, what I observed, I noted. And to me, that wasn’t silence. In that sense, I was very interested in the mind that notes, because if I could note it, that wasn’t silence. And so I continued, with a lot of concentration. The phase of dullness arrived. I could see the mind darkening, and my memory becoming short. I kept noting, observing, with curiosity. However, this phase of dullness, again, wasn’t deep, it was shallow. Afterward, I began to gain clarity. I noticed there was some resistance, a discomfort. I asked myself what the problem was. I looked at the level of sensations, but in the mind, I didn’t see anything mentally uncomfortable arising. I couldn’t exactly pinpoint the mental discomfort, but I could perceive it in the body: the breath wasn’t smooth, it was short, and there was a tightness. So I started observing this tightness and tried to relax. I was able to relax at times. There was also discomfort in my leg, so I changed my position. However, this change in position agitated the mind, and I had to work again to relax. In the end, there was still discomfort in the leg, even after changing position. The breath continued to feel tight. I couldn’t resolve it, so it remained like that. I will try to work on this next time.