Adding in a practice log. Been practing a few years with noting and different minfulness of breath practice. i know way to much about maps. I should probably know more about maintaing a solid relaxed practice than anything else. I am reall good at sitting everyday no matter what and sitting for at least 45 min a day the last 6 month and had a 2 hours a day practice everyday for years before that. But what I haven't had in a while is consistency in practice. Noting mostly with minimun mindfullnes of breath. I always start out with the breath at the belly but rarely maintain the breath for a few minutes and havent tuned that practice up in a while because I always want to run to noting practice. So I am trying to get on track to build a solid meditation practice with relaxation included instead of noting everything to death and paying the price in difficulties.

My plan is to do 30 days of the practices below.                       
                            20 minutes with awareness on the rising and falling of the breath at the belly
                            35 minutes noting 6 sense doors
                            5 minutes letting go and if thought arise take them in with a breath and relax again
                            Also I will notice sensations as much as possible through the day just to keep from getting lost in thought patterns to long.

07/17/24
20 minutes rising and falling was very productive in relaxation. I notice that I am always looking for more one pointed concentraion intsead of a wider relaxed practice. Lots of thought in the background about how I need to do more or do another practice but just stayed with the rising and falling. I also see about 10 minutes in that the more I accepted the thought about it not being right and the way the practice didn't feel like it was enough the more relaxed and open I was able to be.
30 minutes noting every few seconds and just slowly eased into practice. I could feel and know some anxiety moving me to get it going (which causes a lot of truble) but just let that be as it was as I noted it. Nothing special or major insights but just simple practice letting the noting take the lead instead of trying to make it all happen. I think for a little while maybe 35-50 minutes in I was so realaxed that I was some what not paying to much attention. Like being less sharp about what was going on. I just kept slow noting and tried to keep my attention on every moment I could with pushing  the relaxation away.
5 minutes of resting with lots of thoughts and just taking each thought in with the breath and then exhaling back to now. I have a hard time resting at the end. I give myself time to practice befor work but always think at the last 5 minutes it is not time to rest.

Sounds like a good plan.

20 minutes of rising and falling was good. Started just taking it easy but at the same time watching all the side drama of thought telling me what I was doing was all wrong but I just practiced anyway. Noticing how the mind gets caught up in wanting to move to something else (the story of my life lol) because this practice is not working well enough. So rising and falling went well was able to stay with the sensations at the belly even when the mind was trying to move me ahead.<br /><br />35 minutes of noting went well. I seemed to be pretty lost the whole time but had some moments where I could see I wasn't lost at all and that I was aware of all that was going on but some dude in the background was telling me there was a big problem. I was able to just note everything every few seconds. Got into a little 6 realms noting hungry ghosts, animal real, and human realm. There was only a little time spent on emotions and the rest was just 6 sense doors. Practice seemed to lag of energy but I just road it out without too much worry. I read something earlier that Papa wrote " Letting into and accepting "getting lost" is the way of the 2nd path/post 1st. " and just keep it in mind through the practice.<br /><br />5 minutes do nothing was pretty difficult today but just let go of thoughts about it and kept relaxing back in when the mind wandered.

20 min rising and falling was productive. Just followed instructions while noticing thoughts arise and just going back to the practice. Nice and relaxed.

30 minutes noting and noticing was a little difficult but good. Most of the sensations and thoughts seem like they are coming from the back and spine area and the sides of the torso. Had a mild chattering sound in my head that stayed the entire practice. My visual field was wide and had a low-grade irritation in the back that was hard to look at. I knew it was there but was in sorta like a trance like I did not want to acknowledge the unpleasantness. Most of the practice seems like I am meditating in a sandstorm. Like I am irritated at the sounds and the feelings but I do not want to look at it, though I can see all of it rising and passing away. Had an itch in different areas of the body maybe every 20 seconds or so. Forgot to note them but I guess I knew them. Was able to note most all all other sensations and by the 50-minute mark in practice it started to do itself and I just noticed visual, auditory, and bodily sensations.

The last 5 minutes just kept breathing into the moment when lost which was the whole time.

Great quality logs. Keep it up. Do what you can to simply include the chattering sandstorm without struggling against it. 

20 min rising and falling. Sleepy most of the time but decided to keep going. The first five to ten minutes was fidgety, popping knuckles, moving around. Got into it after that and just followed instructions. I can see now how a solid 20 minutes can relax and open the later practice.

20 minutes of noting. Still sleepy which seemed to help with relaxation. Tried to keep up noting but was able to relax and notice more which seemed strange because I felt like I should have more energy to keep it up. Had some good insights into impermanence where all sensations I was noticing turned into vibrations and seemed to disappear in solid chunks out in front of the visual field. Had a couple of good insights into no-self. One where I noticed the right side of my head and neck turn into a type of sensation-formation and just disappear out beside me. Like a picture was taken inside my head and neck and then pulled away while I was looking at it happen. I wasn't very excited about it I thought. I have seen stuff like that before but I couldn't stop thinking about it for a solid 1-2 minutes and derailed the energy I had. Went back to noting-noticing and got lost in the same thought stream again and then around 40 minutes fell somewhat asleep and just gave up on practice. I usually have a practice on Fridays or Saturdays that are always somewhat sleepy after the week at work.

20 minutes rising and falling. Fidgety the first me minutes, Was soon relaxed but somewhat sleepy. followed instructions and just kept practicing. Lots of insights this week on how the 20 minutes is a foundation for a better later half of practice. I forgot long ago and think I have been very dry in practice. 20 minutes was good. Lots of recognizing being pulled away and just coming back to the belly.<br />35 minutes noting, noticing was very relaxed at a few points I thought I should speed it up but just kept slow noting and being and maybe 30 minutes in being pulled into to just noticing auditory, visual, and body sensations. Practice was becoming spacious, and would start having the feeling of falling into the visual field and then having to do some more noting to keep going, and then the falling would go again. At a certain point, I wasn't sure what to note I think I was seeing that my noting was just another sensation in spaciousness but maybe unwilling to turn on to those sensations. At about 50 minutes I started to lose the feelings in my body but that would just kind of come and go. Last 5 minutes I was just spaced out and did not want to do anything.<br /><br />I am wondering if I should use the last 5 minutes in a different way other than doing nothing. Maybe just take on watching thoughts as thought for the last 5? Any suggestions would be great.

20 minutes rising and falling. Started with a good amount of energy, absorption, and spaciousness. Just followed instructions. Never could get a solid groove of the rising and falling at the abdomen. Just felt like like I was being pulled into practice with energy and absorption. Kind of spaced out the whole time. Wanted to run to noting when things weren't what I thought they should be but just stayed the course of the 20 minutes.

35 minutes of noting and noticing. Same as before kind of spaced out the whole time. I felt like the practice was doing me and the noting I was doing wasn't always needed or not noting the right things. Hard to explain. It seemed like there was plenty of space, clarity, and ease but I didn't know how to relax into it. Got some energy hits rising into the back of the head that would cause some light flashing in the visual field periodically.

5 minutes do nothing. Just kept coming back to the moment when lost. Was lost a lot.

20 minutes rising and falling. Unrelaxed for the first few minutes. Spaced out most of the time and could never really get a grove going but just followed directions and stayed with it without freaking out too much

35 minutes noting noticing. Lots of space and clarity. Hard to know what exactly to note. Like I am seeing mostly from awareness but not sure how to relax enough to let the practice do itself. Like everyhting is great but I still want to be involved as the doer/controller so I seem to be in my way. Just stayed with the practice and did some noticing when it allowed. Lots of relaxation near the end.

5 minutes do nothing. Mostly lost in thought.

20 min rising and falling took a little to get into but was able to get in a grove after a while. Lots of space and a good awareness of the abdomen as it rises and falls. Some getting lost in thought but I was able to come back over and over to the belly.

35 minutes of noting was a shit show. Kept getting lost. Unrelaxed like I was pushing to get somewhere. I was able to stay calm and watch most of it take place. About 40 minutes in I was hit with a lot of unpleasant sensations of the body and thoughts of trying to change things or fix practice. Noting everything I could that was unpleasant. I could see that I would rather not look or note those sensations. Like if I don't acknowledge the sensation they can't hurt me. After 45 minutes started getting pulled into energy hits rising in the neck and head. My nose rising up a few times like it wanted to crawl up my forehead. Also, the visual field looking like a tunnel I could fall into. Did not note any of that. Hahaha

5 minutes went well. Just resting and watch the mind try to take off and then letting go again

20 minutes following directions. Seemingly lost the entire 20 but just stayed with the practice and relaxed.

35 minutes noting. I was lost all day yesterday. I kept noticing that I was out of the moment most of the day and kept thinking that yesterday's practice had the same tune. So today I decided to look directly at sensation and see how mindful I could be. I started to notice that my noting was behind the sensation. Everything I noted was gone by the time I noted it and after noting a little I would see that I would go off into long periods of thought and get lost. Once I figured this out I just kept placing attention directly on sensations and was able to get some stability with keeping up. After a while, I would note the sensation and watch it disappear which started giving insights into impermanence. Once this was going on I realized that the sensations were arising on their own and knowing themselves without my help. I was already well into 45 minutes when this started and soon started thinking about work and that I needed to go and then screwed the rest of the session by coming out.

5 minutes didn't happen. I decided to start getting up 15 minutes earlier to put me ahead of my work schedule so I can use my meditation time wisely.

Excellent!

20 minutes rising and falling. Was off the target a bunch but stayed relaxed and followed instructions.

35 minutes noting. Mostly in a storm the entire time. Getting lost, angry, feeling unpleasant painful sensations, and watching myself try to make it better. Lots of wirey ringing sounds but those weren't a big deal. Maybe 40 minutes in I was able to see painful sensations and thought as impermanent and watch them vanish once they were noted. I noted everything I could from painful sensations, loud sounds, feelings of aversion, wanting out, etc.. at times there was a lot to note, and things were moving fast. Noting lots of thoughts like "This ain't it", "I must be doing something wrong", and "Why does this happen to me". For what seemed like a terrible time I felt like I made progress. I always get confused about noting difficult sensations and so I have been trying to get as many as possible.
If anybody has any advice on noting all difficulties I would like to hear it. The "I must be doing the wrong thoughts" I always buy into.

5 minutes went well. Just letting go and cruising. Like I had plenty of momentum and a need to relax.

If you are consistent with noting that class of thought, you may find that it gets familiar and stops grabbing the attention so much, then you will be less likely to buy into it. I used to get bothered by restlessness a lot. After a while, I'd get used to restlessness showing up at about the same time in every sit. It would be like seeing a familiar face on a walk around the neighborhood. I'd say, "Hey, Restlessness. There you are. Good to see you, man." When it stopped showing up, I almost missed it. 

A thought is just an event. These sort of "doubt" thoughts occur without being called up. It's an ordinary function of the mind. They tend to come up, in particular, when we are doing something unfamiliar. Their job is to get you to reevaluate what you are doing. They are super useful in some situations. For example, if you were climbing a tree, it would be really useful to reexamine your positioning every few seconds. In meditation, they are not very useful most of the time. But they are going to occur. So just note them. Just notice what the mind does when you sit still. Get familiar with it. The same applies to almost all difficulties that come up in meditation. The goal is not to overcome them or fix them, but to learn about them. When you are familiar with one set of things, you will notice another set, which you can learn about, and so on and so forth, until you know all about your mind. 

I tried to do anything but sit for a few minutes this morning. I knew it could be a wild ride.<br /><br />20 minutes just following the breath. Everything seemed out of whack but I just stayed with the breath at the belly over and over.<br /><br />35 noting was all over the place but I paid very little attention to thoughts about practice unless I was noting them. I have been through this what seems like hundreds of times and yesterday and today was the first time I have just followed instructions without trying to figure it all out. It was a very difficult time but I could see most of it just going by as I noticed and noted all of it. The entire time I had this body feeling of aversion or pushing against it all to get done. I kept noticing the sensations but it wasn't until practice was over that I knew how tight my body was and that I wanted out. It is amazing to me how many layers over time you can see drop away but then you're just getting to deeper causes.<br /><br />5 minutes was good. I actually stayed in about 10 and kind of road the momentum of letting go. Getting lost and coming back.

Thanks Martin. Very useful words.

"Getting lost and coming back"

​​​​​​​Nice! 

20 minutes went ok. Just going back over and over again. I would think that I am mostly lost the whole time but I keep making it back to the rising and falling.<br />35 minutes noting. Can not remember a lot besides it was loud, uncomfortable, irritating, and confusing but I noted almost all of it. Had a real sense after practice that it was time to give up on trying to get anywhere. We shall see how that goes tomorrow.<br />5 minutes went ok. Just lost but kind of glad not to be notion anything.

20 minutes started rough but smoothed out along the way and led to some nice calm spaciousness. Wanted to move on to noting ahead of the 20 minutes but just stayed the course. 35 minutes of noting went well. Lots of ease and space. Kept noticing how thoughts would cause overthinking about work, the future, or a vacation I am planning, etc and the thinking would pull me away from the moment and cause suffering and confusion. Over all practice felt good. Mostly noting thoughts, space, ease, happiness, and joy. I see how being comfortable allows me to slack some when I am sure I missed a lot by just basking in the comfort but maybe that is fine too. 5 minutes I just noted all the thoughts that arose.

Nice. Good logging and good practice. Feel free to enjoy comfort and space as long as you know it is ultimately transient. It doesn't have to last. It rarely does. With practice we can learn to bask in discomfort too. 

20 minutes mostly seemed lost. Just followed instructions and kept practicing. 35 minutes was a shit show. Wide open but everything seemed like it was moving too fast for me to note it. I also wanted the same practice as yesterday and I could see the longing for something else and the frustration of not getting it. I could also sense pushing forward in the background but it was a little too elusive for me to see until late in practice. I was mostly noting thoughts the entire time and then did the same in the last 5 minutes. I thought I did good for what I had and just stayed noting when I needed to.

20 minutes was good. Stayed on track. Nothing special which seems to be what I am looking for. Just followed instructions and when I would get led away from rising and falling too much I would just note what led me away and come back. 35 minutes noting. Everything seemed dry and fast most of the time. I realized in the last few days I should give up on it being anything other than what it is and just practice. Somewhere around 40 minutes I started noticing every sensation was either pleasant or unpleasant and watching those arise and pass I could see that a self or decision maker was arising right after and was dependent on the pleasant or unpleasant sensations. Very interesting practice. The last 5 minutes were spent just noting thoughts.

20 minutes went well. Stayed on the rising and falling. Started to get pulled into noting near the 15 mark but just stayed with the practice. Lots of space and ease but a little hard to focus. Somewhat spaced out getting pulled into thoughts about the past and future. 35 noting and noticing. Plenty of space and awareness. I would be pulled into noticing sensations periodically. Watching painful sensations arise and fall in the back area and watching me get pulled into wanting out of them. After a while, I would see these painful sensations as suffering and turn into thousands of little impermanent sensations. I can see that no matter how good practice gets there is always part of me that thinks something is wrong. 5 minutes went well. I just relaxed and did nothing and then did nothing some more.

Excellent practice

20 minutes went ok. I was unrelaxed and in a hurry but really couldn't see it until after practice. Stayed with the rising and falling but needed to note some things that were pulling me away here and there. 35 minutes was somewhat overwhelming. everything seemed wide and fast and I wanted to try to focus in on everything instead of giving up and relaxing. Lots of side thoughts about how "this isn't it" or "I should be in a better place" or "Why can I not relax". I noted everything I could but can see I missed a lot. Missing urges and emotions. The urges are so fast that I am already locked into what they are leading to before I get a chance to note them. Today I could feel that I am holding on during practice like I am scared to give everything up and just relax. Daily life is the same but it all just comes and go's. Like I am always trying to secure a solid spot in the world and everything keeps disappearing. The last 5 was ok but I just pushed past the timer and did all kinds of stuff other than nothing.

Indeed!

20 minutes arising and falling. getting lost and coming back over and over was no big deal. I have noticed a pattern of having to get some noting going on around 15 minutes when everything seems to start to speed up. Less absorption than the last few weeks but decided today I was just going with whatever came up no matter how it felt. 35 minutes was off track most of the time but ok with it. Not sure there is such a thing as off-track in practice. Getting lost in thought, noting unpleasant feelings, anger, worry, irritation, holding, and lots of seeing urges to get away from all of this. Felt like this was a shit show but a really good practice to watch the shit show with less involvement. The last 5 tried to do nothing but failed. I see that in the last few weeks, I have been using the last 5 minutes to keep escaping instead of surrendering.

20 minutes of rising and falling. Everything is moving fast and not a lot of clarity so throwing some noting in there to gain stability. 35 Minutes noting and noticing. pretty fast and wide. Lots of aversion and resistance to unpleasant feelings. Pretty moody the whole time. It could be the greatest practice ever but I am pushing at all of it pretty hard but can't see where I am pushing. It seems like Groundhog Day here lately. Like going up against a brick wall day after day. Got plenty of noting in and some noticing. Had plenty of good insights. 5 minutes I just surrendered and when the thoughts would come I would breathe in and out and relax back into practice.

20 minutes rising and falling. I took it slow at first and just relaxed with my breath for a few minutes. Stayed with the rising and falling without coming off or getting lost too much. I keep seeing a pattern this week that everything is ok but I just want to make sure it is perfect and so that keeps me in turmoil. 35 went well. Decided to relax as much as possible and just note whatever arose without concluding it was wrong. Noting all six sense doors and had plenty of traction and not lost too much. I was keenly aware of how many times I thought this wasn't right and it should feel better. Very subtle thoughts and urges. I kept trying to relax enough to notice everything but I think it is slowing me up because it's just not the right time for that practice. in the last few minutes, I could see myself trying to make insights happen and could see I have been doing this for a few weeks. 5 minutes just resting and watching the mind try to keep gaining progress and trying to make things happen.

aka samsara :-)

Sounds like you are noticing the right things!

20 minutes of rising and falling went well. Was able to stay on track mostly without getting lost in thoughts.  35 minutes of noting was good but difficult. Was seeing a lot of letting go of trying to control everything. Watching thoughts seeming so small and far away arise and an unwillingness to go for them. Also seeing aversion to sensations as this protectiveness to keep me safe but seeing how that doesn't work well. Lots of energy and loudness in the ears and pains in the neck and back. Like I am halfway between control and acceptance and being torn apart by not letting go. I'm not sure any of it felt good but the insights make me feel like progress is being made. I noted and noticed everything I could. 5 minutes of relaxing and giving up.

20 minutes was good. Stayed focused on the rising and falling and noted anything that pulled me away and then came back. 35 minutes was lots of thoughts about being lost, or not on track or this aint it. Lots of doubt about am I doing this right but near the end could see that it was not me and that all these thoughts were just arising in the background. Noted space and ease and lots of body sensations and sounds. 5 minutes was somewhat lost in thought and not doing a practice.

20 minutes was ok. I realize I am off the mark at building a solid base practice. I have been through this a bunch of times where I build a good foundation practice and then I get into some uncomfortableness in practice and lose sight of the first 20-minute practice and just try to note everything to move ahead. Tomorrow I will refocus my attention on rising and falling. 35 minutes just pushing ahead. I can see in practice and daily life that when I see or feel a pleasant sensation it is like an energy builds in my head and leans me towards the pleasentness. The same goes for unpleasant sensations except instead of leaning towards I shy away trying to protect myself from their unpleasantness. I would like to think all this practice is a shit show but I can see I am just gaining more awareness of what blocks me from freedom. The last 5 minutes turned into 25 minutes. I just kept noting slowly and felt like staying in the practice.

Pour a glass of cold milk and drink it! Bottoms up!