Hi! I'm a meditator and I also have CPTSD but I'm in the later stages of CPTSD recovery and have a competent trauma therapist that I do IFS with. I'm interested in sorting out which of these experiences are meditation attainments (if any) and which are possible consequences of CPTSD and CPTSD recovery.

Regardless of phenomena, I hold all cushion experiences lightly because I'm a zen practitioner and I regard these phenomena as impermanent and maybe irrelevant (or, from a Western scientific perspective, perhaps the nervous system is resetting or purging undigested experiences). I also look to the Vajrayana tradition for practical advice about dealing with afflictive states.

anyway, here's a list:

1. sometimes in meditation, it feels like I am very big. Maybe infinitely big? Is this because awareness itself is basically an energetic field and not form?
2. Relatedly, sometimes if I drill into specific sensations they feel bottomless? I don't have this problem anymore, but I used to have a feeling of "void ness" in my chest that felt really big. If I tried exploring the void with my mind, it felt like there was no bottom. This is odd, since my body has a definite shape and size.
3. After I started regular metta meditation, I experienced this "void" place I've felt before where my sense of self feels infinitely big but the void was filled with pulsing love energy. (I know these descriptions are odd). The void was empty and full at the same time? It was paradoxical. Before metta meditation I used to experience this infinite sense of self and feel terrified because it felt cold and unfeeling. I think metta helped open me to giving and receiving love feelings and now the void situation feels...luminous?
4. Occasionally when I meditate (shikantazaa) I have a strong internal sensation of white or golden light. Sometimes it's so bright I have to open my eyes. (I meditate with eyes closed usually).
5. My meditation practice has given me an unusual perspective on free will. Did this happen to other people? Basically, meditating helped me to see how much of who I am is habit energy plus my social role. When I looked really deep inside, I saw that thoughts would come and go and I wasn't consciously deciding what thoughts to have, just which ones to act on. Does this mean we have less free will than we think? I perceive myself to choose freely but I don't choose what I think or my social conditioning that conditions me to find certain things desirable or aversive. Relatedly, this lack of free will makes it seem odd to me that some people claim attainments, because I think if you are attained it's because your karma predisposed you to that outcome. Does that make sense?
6. Sometimes on my meditation cushion I have strong feelings of pleasure and occasionally orgasms. I don't take it too personally but I do find it a little weird.
7. Occasionally I have a sensation of energy in my abdomen. I practice qigong and I wonder if this is qi.

I don't do that much sitting meditation these days. Part of recovering from CPTSD for me has been learning to regulate my nervous system and feel more embodied. I did TRE with a professional and now I can feel my hands much better as well as parts of my body that were numb. I don't think I really meet the criteria for cptsd anymore but I call it out simply because on my journey I was coming out of functional freeze. I used to practice in a very dissociated way in my 20s without realizing it. I'm wondering if the infinite feeling is dissociation or something legitimate. 

When emotions come I let them arise without judgment and feel them fully until they pass if they are in my window of tolerance, or I distract if they're not. I'm mostly doing grounding activities, eating well and doing "normal life stuff" while I decide what to make of the cushion experiences and if I want to do more embodied forms of meditation.

​​​​​​​thank you for reading! Cheers.

Some responses to your numbered list of questions/comments. 

1. In meditation when we do samadhi practice either deliberately or samadhi deepens in whichever technique we are using, strange phenomena happen. These phenomena are a by product of deepening samadhi and they usually stop after a while. In Pali they are called obhasa or hallucinations, they are considered potential corruptions of insight, because sometimes people become so fascinated with them that the fascination prevents both samadhi (concentration) as well as prajna (wisdom) from deepening. The body being huge, the body being tiny, the body floating in the middle of the room, the body no longer constrained by boundaries and thus infinitely large, all of these are possible obhasas best ignored and the fascination dropped. Regarding your second question - energy is an abstraction when it comes to the hard nosed empirical direct experience of samatha vipassana practice. We do not experience energy - we experience ... something and the mind 'names' it as something. So heat, coolness, hardness, softness, movement, stillness etc etc are also names or abstract concepts but they are far less abstract than 'energy' .... atleast for some people. Nonetheless its abstractions all the way down. To be aware of the body is one particular instance of the dyad of experience-experiencing. To be aware of awareness itself is another particular instance of the dyad of experience and experiencing (nama-rupa). So as a phenomenological classification awareness is its own category. Awareness is neither wet nor dry, neither warm nor cool, neither moving nor still, neither energetic nor sluggish .... awareness is ..... aware!

Here I would say that your meditation attainment is ... deepening samadhi and the obhasa accommpanying it needs to be ignored in order for samadhi to be deepened further.

2. This does not indicate to me a meditation attainment, but infact a meditation opportunity. When awareness rubs against sensations ... can you detect the dyad of awareness and its object, of experience and experiencing, can you detect that every instance of being alive is this dyad moving from this moment ... to this moment ... to this moment. You cannot have experience without experiencing and you cannot have experiencing unless there is something to experience. Also when awareness rubs against its object the process of taking an object involves - a. Awareness (vijana), b. A perturbation in awareness (rupa), c. This perturbation is recognized/named (samjna), d. This naming is accompanied by a sorting tag of feels good/feels bad/fuck knows
This is a deepening of the insight into nama-rupa - the dyad of experience and experiencing - it tells us that nama-rupa has 'depth' to it. Try not to script this. Just hold this lightly as a hypothesis and be very curious about experience and experiencing. From this experienced moment to the next, and the next ... and the next .... and the next .... if you remain mindful you will start to observe patterns that dictate how the 4 components of nama-rupa work. These patterns cannot be neatly explained in words, but the experiential pattern recognition is the point - this is e. sankharas. Another insight opportunity is the possibility of detecting the autonomous nature of these 4+1 components of this experienced moment.  

4. Deepening samadhi.

5. The constellation of skills that we have today that permit us to take certain specific intentional actions have come about / gotten strengthened through intentional actions taken in the past. Kamma leads to sankharas. Sankharas enable further kamma. Its a feedback loop. Like an immutable unchanging operating principle or dhamma (with the letter d in small case). There are dhammas of physics which determine how planetary motion happens and there are dhammas of the mind that determine how the mind moves. These dhammas are very very reliable they are unchanging. But they cannot be controlled or owned. We dont own them. If there are intentional actions ... then there will be consequences that reverberate across the nama-rupa sensorium. Some intentional actions lead to further delusion. some intentional actions lead to wisdom. But there are always intentions and intentional actions. Intention is kamma, and it is absolutely central to the awakening project. The tangent of ..... there are no intentional actions, there are no entities who take those intentional actions, there is nobody here! .... this .... is entirely unsupported by awakening practice. It is cooked up by delusional minds.

"I perceive myself to choose freely"

When a choice is made , with that choice as a necessary condition the awareness might take that choice itself as an object. Or a thought may arise 'a choice has been made' ... awareness might take that thought as an object. This contact ... this will have vedana .... it may be accompanied by tanha ... upadana  ... etc etc and thus a concretized sense of a me who made that choice or a me who had that thought may emerge. This 'me' dies once this contact ends and the next happens. Continuity is an illusion made possible by memory. This means that the sense of a me ... is a perpetually appearing and terminating phenomena .... this does not mean that 'I' do not exist. The operating principle governs the sense of self .... it does not govern me. It does not own me, it does not define me, I dont govern it, I dont own it, I dont define it. 

"I don't choose what"

There are times when you may perceive that you choose, and there are times that you may perceive that you do not choose. But there is always choice/intention/kamma. Always!

6. This is a preliminary grade of pit/priti/rapture/meditative joy. Over a period of time as samadhi deepens it will decrease in amplitude, become more subtle, stable and permeate the body and its mental correlate of sukha or happiness will permeate the mind, this will move on to satisfaction, and further will move on to the heart or affect going completely dead! like a dead body covered a with a white coloured shroud from head to toe waiting for the cremation rites (traditional analogy). This is the progress arc of jhana practice in case you continue to deepen samadhi

I hope something in my writing seems useful.

 

Best wishes for your ongoing healing! Sounds like you are surrounding yourself with good support to help you digest past experiences and heal. 

Some thoughts for you below... For what it's worth, I don't think thinking of meditation stuff as "attainments" is helpful ultimately, but definitely the stuff you mention is fairly well known/experienced effects associated with a meditation practice.



Yeah, very common. Basically as one starts identifying more with mind than body... then we feel very big because how big is the mind --- as big as we can imagine the mind to be   This can also be associated with when we drop habits of tension/resistance/anxiety; we're so "free" that we feel somatically bigger.



This is related to "emptiness" in the meditative use of the term. All experiences are definitely vivid experiences, but if you try to find their "core location/essence" it can't be found. This can be very freaky or disturbing when we first encounter it, but it's just the nature of experience. No one can really say "how or where" experience ultimately occurs. People can make a big deal about emptiness, but a good zen master would hit us with a stick if we started indulging in dharma drama Over time, we get used to the uncertain/empty nature of experience and it's no big deal.



Similar to the first statement about the body, when we identify more with just generally being than our thoughts, then a profound relaxation can occur. Suddenly we don't have to figure everything out, we can just be. This is accompanied with a bliss like feeling. Metta as a practie can be used to help this relaxation and experience of profound ease. When we wish the best for all beings, we're no longer in instinctual battle with anything, and aaahhh....   

For someone with PTSD, there is the reverse effect like you described. This is because real trauma is associated with calm and peace and love --- basically the worst trauma is when someone that should nurture you instead abuses you or neglects you, or when a physical trauma occurs in an otherwise calm and peaceful day. In these cases, love or calm becomes associated with trauma and so even when things are good and calm it becomes triggering(!)  (For examples... In the first example, a parent that both nurtures and abuses a child will create an association with nurturing and trauma, which means the child will actually be triggered by genuine acts of kindness and caring! In the later case, a soldier fighting a war is more likely to get PTSD when a bomb drops out of nowhere on a calm beautiful day, because it came out of nowhere and now trauma is associated with a calm and beautiful day!).

Anyway, sometimes the good or easy or spacious or calm experiences can be associated with fear/terror for people with trauma ---- and pretty much every person has at least a little trauma.



This is both a good sign of meditative depth, but it can also become a hindrance if it becomes an object of identification/indulgence. Many religions have the "I have seen the light" language somewhere in their tradition, and seeing lights is a very common and well described meditation effect. 

If you are seriously devoting a lot of your time to meditation, you should also know that seeing these lights is often associated with euphoric experiences... and often followed by depressive experiences. This kind of information isn't broadly known --- which is really uncool. Since you are posting on this board, you probably have read/heard about the dark night/dukka nana type experiences that can be associated with meditation, but if not -- any very serious meditator should probably read: Table of Contents – MCTB.org  (free)   for purchase: MCTB.org – The home of the evolving Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha



Yeah, lots of insights exist within the "free-will" domain and unfortunately a lot of ink has been used up writing about all the possible ways to think about this. Some people insist there is no free will, others insist that there is 100% intentionality...  but anyway, yes, with meditation we start seeing the extent to which a lot of what we do is habitual behavior developed and engrained over time -- we don't need to "think" about how we drive a car, it just " drives itself" 95% of the time, both literally and metaphorically.  



How fun and messy for you!   But obviously blissy/orgasmic states in meditation are well known. You might want read about "jhanas" which are common concentration states: 27. The Concentration States (Shamatha Jhanas) – MCTB.org



The best way to think about this stuff is a sensation of energy in your abdomen is the sensation of energy in your abdomen. And you could probably get even more specific about what "energy" actually is, e.g. warmth, buzzing, movement, tingling, etc. Yes, there are many "views" on how to interpret this stuff, but it's better to just honor the way it actually presents itself and not complicate it. I've had experiences like this and other stuff that makes me say "oh, I see why people think and talk about chakras or qi" but it's also clear that so much woo-woo stuff has been overlayed on it (like chakras have a specific color or spin a particular way). 



Ahh, good!! Very good. Yeah, meditation can make things worse, so don't indulge in it if the body and mind aren't ready.



Yes, very good! There is a lot of similarity to the freeze/avoidance habits from trauma and the numb/bliss of meditation --- unfortunately however, sometimes people kind of develop a corrupted version of meditation that sort of reinforces their trauma reactions. It is much much much better to get healthy and grounded before getting serious about meditation. That is the healthy and sane approach. 

Meditation eventually becomes somewhat traumatic, in the sense that our normal boundaries and perceptions get challenged. It is much much much better to be mostly healthy and sane before going deep into meditation.

Sounds like you are doing all the right things. First things first!

Again, best wishes, and I hope some of this was helpful in some way. 

   All phenomena by definition are mere appearances. Cushion phenomena are not different from non-cushion phenomena. All imagination and illusion, mythology and conditioning.



   It is the absence of karma that is the substance, the fruit, of attainment. Attainment begins when action ends. One attains non-action.



   The practice of zen is sitting meditation.



   Only the wondering itself is legitimate. 


   "Eating well," which is to say, "managing one's addictions," is important. Care for the body and the mind, mens sana in corpore sano. It is not the essence, however, as one can be completely detached even in the middle of such.

   Zen is about dropping body and mind in meditation.

Just a question; 

when you say CPTSD do you mean Combat PTSD? 

Complex

Sometimes childhood

I always understood it to be when the nervous goes through it's developmental stage whilst experiencing intense trauma such that the trauma and that trauma response are baked into how we experience the world. 

I would have self diagnosed with cptsd in the past though my thoughts on trauma and suffering and so on have changed a lot since then. 

Oh I see! Thanks! 

I also had Complex Post-Stress Traumatic Disorder which was amplified in 2022 due to an event. Horrible nights where I did not sleep.

Here's my two cents.

1. sometimes in meditation, it feels like I am very big. Maybe infinitely big? Is this because awareness itself is basically an energetic field and not form?
A: Awareness is a bunch of eletric signals in your brain, so yes.

2. Relatedly, sometimes if I drill into specific sensations they feel bottomless? I don't have this problem anymore, but I used to have a feeling of "void ness" in my chest that felt really big. If I tried exploring the void with my mind, it felt like there was no bottom. This is odd, since my body has a definite shape and size.
A: Interesting rapture. I think it's a metaphor to trauma. Your brain is telling you what it feels like to be lost in the void. I am not being very phenomenologically accurate here, but anyway.

3. After I started regular metta meditation, I experienced this "void" place I've felt before where my sense of self feels infinitely big but the void was filled with pulsing love energy. (I know these descriptions are odd). The void was empty and full at the same time? It was paradoxical. Before metta meditation I used to experience this infinite sense of self and feel terrified because it felt cold and unfeeling. I think metta helped open me to giving and receiving love feelings and now the void situation feels...luminous?
A: I need to research what metta meditation is.

I know exactly what you are doing through this meditation, but it is a secret I only reveal to people who are willing to play my game.

4. Occasionally when I meditate (shikantazaa) I have a strong internal sensation of white or golden light. Sometimes it's so bright I have to open my eyes. (I meditate with eyes closed usually).
A: Interesting rapture. I'd guess it could be classified as completely normal. Your body being filled with positive energy. Hard to describe through zen lenses though. Easier with magickal lenses.

5. My meditation practice has given me an unusual perspective on free will. Did this happen to other people? Basically, meditating helped me to see how much of who I am is habit energy plus my social role. When I looked really deep inside, I saw that thoughts would come and go and I wasn't consciously deciding what thoughts to have, just which ones to act on. Does this mean we have less free will than we think? I perceive myself to choose freely but I don't choose what I think or my social conditioning that conditions me to find certain things desirable or aversive. Relatedly, this lack of free will makes it seem odd to me that some people claim attainments, because I think if you are attained it's because your karma predisposed you to that outcome. Does that make sense?
A: It makes a lot of sense but I think you're mixing things up. One phrase:
The more you work in your karma, the more free will.

No karma? Perfect free will

6. Sometimes on my meditation cushion I have strong feelings of pleasure and occasionally orgasms. I don't take it too personally but I do find it a little weird.
A: First and 2nd Shamatha Jhanna territory. Very common. Never had those. I prefer Equanimous feelings - 4th Jhanna, Neither Perception nor Non-Perception and, obviously, everybody`s favorite: Nirodha Samapatti.

7. Occasionally I have a sensation of energy in my abdomen. I practice qigong and I wonder if this is qi.
A: Definitely qi or another term, prana, call it what you will. Abdomen? 2nd chakrha if I am not mistaken!

Hope my answers help. Send more questions if you want. Great fan of zen, but after turning into a magick being, Buddhism becomes more alluring.

My pupil's story with CPTSD and Meditation:

https://cesartalvesmetagame.wordpress.com/2024/08/07/making-a-buddhist-cry/

He reached N.S. at the age of 4. Then again at 28 by merely trying to "completely empty his mind" using Jungian Active Imagination to deal with his childhood traumas.