As an aside, after initially taking this new understanding in my practice in stride, I found I was quite deflated, even depressed by it. Apparently, things are soon to get more difficult, not less. And I've wasted 6 months of diligent work. OK. But if it's correct that I haven't even crossed the A+P, then I'm just an inherently miserable SOB prone to hallucinations. Oh well! I persevere.

What is it that you're doing when you're noting? How do you go about it? Do you note aloud or silently? What are you noting?

I note silently whatever is most prominent in my awareness. That may include physical sensations, pleasantness or unpleasantness, thoughts and emotions. I try to use labels that are most fundamental, basic, accurate, and preferably a noun form. More than that though, I try not to get too distracted by noting, and just use it as a reminder to apprehend the sensation.

Thanks again for following and for the feedback.

Today's sit was a little different. I counted 10 breaths 7 times before feeling concentrated. Then, buzzing at root, heart, 3rd eye, and crown, but with a little bit harsher edge. Still comfortable, but not so placid. More thoughts intruding: I noted anger, argument, loneliness, disappointment. I noted some faint impressions of light, like afterimages fading and appearing. For a minute, there was an energetic sensation of gyroscopic movement. I noted my pulse in my whole body. All of which sounds more dramatic than it was. Still a pretty comfortable sit

The feeling of a "gyroscopic movement", would it be accurate to describe it as being like a shifting sensation?

Hmmm... it didn't seem like much at the time, but writing this out it does seem to have a different character than the last few sits. Or am I over-eager for progress?

This morning I had a lot of itching again to begin with. Noted gross sensations such as pressure, cold, contact, numbness, dryness; as well as light tingling in the head. After a while, I entered a very, very peaceful state, with no prominent gross sensations. That sense of centerlessness returned, and I welled up with gratitude and, for a moment, tears. It was difficult to note in this state, as nothing particular seemed to arise. But I continued to note about once every 3-5 seconds. I thought to look for the sense of self, but it seemed like I would have to generate it to find it, so I let it go. Toward the end I was slipping in and out of this state, reverting to itching, boredom, slight restlessness.

Maybe it was a jhana state, although I was noting, definitely not making an effort to concentrate much, investigating different areas of body and mind. Maybe it is EQ after all?

The way to distinguish between them, for me, is the Wow factor, and the fading into DN with restlessness, agitation, and so on.
When I notice that I recognize the DN, and know that Equanimity is just around the corner

So, for the last month I've been working my way through several stages characterized by a sense of chaos, confusion, and crowdedness. I didn't note much unpleasantness per se in response to it, until the very end of the sequence which was more of the same but more so. I took these all to be the dark night, and it came with a dramatically decreased interest in meditation. I mustered about 30 minutes per day.

Then, a few days ago, all that chaos just stopped. It's funny, I really didn't understand what people were talking about when describing the difference between A+P and EQ. I didn't notice a wow factor. My A+P was pretty mellow. I guess that's why it took so long! The main distinction I notice is the absence of "pleasantness." Also, I am noticing that the thing to watch is the sense of becoming as it relates to the arisal of thoughts and other sensations. But mostly thoughts. It seems as if the purpose of all those involuntary thoughts is to create the sense of self. And the thoughts are very persistent. So, I've been slipping a lot, becoming embedded and distracted.

I've noticed that the 3C's are pretty self-evident in general, except for no-self. I've been very carefully looking at the closest, most personal sensations. Rather than tacitly noting not-self - I'm inclined to ask, is it self? Really pondering this question in respect to the sensations of my face and head, as well as random thoughts and memories. It seems that working through the insight stages, my mind has been producing older and older memories. Now I'm seeing how they really appear as essentially me, as they progress - or regress - into childhood. I find myself wondering/half-realizing: even that isn't really me??

The recall of previously forgotten memories seems to be typical to most people, it's interesting to look at the ways these mental images present themselves and examine the cause and effect involved.

I tried employing some of your pointers today, especially watching for the beginning and end of thoughts.It was like trying to fill a champagne glass from a raging river. The more I looked at the process of thoughts arising, the harder and faster they came. I've never experienced anything quite like it. Although that baseline sensation of unflappable almost indifference remained, the thought stream was on FIRE. Eventually, I gave up trying to note or investigate anything. I just tried to anchor in the breath and hang on for the ride. I don't remember reading about anything like this in EQ, and it didn't have the qualities of the Dark Night. In fact, I seemed to rocket through the A+P and dark night in about ten minutes. Then 50 minutes straight of thought storm. I didn't get absorbed in it much though, except for some casting around, wondering, "what the hell...?"

Passing through the initial stages very quickly now in each sit. It almost seems I'm watching the stages pass from the perspective of EQ. That part is effortless. Struggling less with distracting thoughts, with occasional jags of relative ease. I wouldn't use the word effortless yet. I've been reaching that state of relative ease, hanging there for 10 or 15 minutes, then seem to start falling back. At that point I usually quit. Sometimes I note, sometimes stay in panoramic awareness, sometimes search for self sensations, or use a direct pointing question. Whatever comes up. I have the sense of making very gradual progress, taking another step into the quietness each day.

I started out with mildly pleasant vibrations throughout about my body. After about two minutes, I felt a gaentle sinking sensation, followed by a few seconds of a faint memory of something like fear. Then, the penetrating indifference of EQ came on. I resolved to really try. The appearance of a persistent thought stream gave me the clue to how to do it: The thought stream is the self. Merging with it, dissolving into it, the self dissolves. I shook just a little, blacked out for a millisecond -hardly interrupting some distracting thought - and then bliss wave. The bliss wave lasted about 30 seconds, and I got up.

Is this the annatta door?

I'm using a reduced noting scheme: rising, falling, thought, no-self. These are the primary notes.

Struggling less with distracting thoughts, with occasional jags of relative ease. I wouldn't use the word effortless yet. I've been reaching that state of relative ease, hanging there for 10 or 15 minutes, then seem to start falling back. At that point I usually quit.

5/9/12 10:11 PM
Tonight was a little different. Hard to describe. There was an experience akin to the sense of the body dissolving as in A+P, but it was the body as well as thoughts and self. Not disappearing, but appearing as if in solution. Thoughts were very wispy. I had that sense of which I've read, of the mind "inclining towards emptiness," along with a darkening of the visual field, and a column of energy from the crown to the center of the head. Very much the sense of a near miss. Like a dream I once had of trying to fly, but not quite getting off the ground.

Congratulations mate, I'm really happy that you did it.

when you say "blacked out for a millisecond -hardly interrupting some distracting thought - and then bliss wave.", would you mind explaining how it was that you noticed that discontinuity?

I don't doubt that you've gotten Path as I've followed your practice since you came on and know you're a sincere and committed practitioner

Sounds to me like you're hitting Re-Observation and edging into early Equanimity, which can actually be quite tumultuous before things open out fully. There's a sort of sub-jhanic thing, almost like a ramp or a step-up into 11th ñana proper; allow your focus to naturally expand outwards towards the periphery as if you're trying to see everything at once, those thought streams will continue but just observe them and see how they continue happening without "you" actually paying any attention to them. Watch how things begin to quieten and how objects will present themselves to you, don't go looking for anything, just gently and naturally notice (thanks to Stian for pointing out how useful a word this is to convey the sort of attention we're talking about here) what's happening right now. From there, begin to investigate what seems to be observing these objects as they arise and pass away. Notice how even the sensations of an observer are arising and passing...what happens then?!

So I've been practicing, or trying to practice, according to Daniel's guidelines in Fitter's 3rd path thread. It feels on the one hand very natural and inviting, but also close to impossible to view that boundary of self and not self - like chasing a dollar bill that's being pulled on a thread.

My insight of the day was noticing the relentlessness of feeling tone. I think I've neglected this foundation of mindfulness in the past.

The darkening lasts, I don't know, 10 or 20 seconds, then just fades. Anti-climactic.

Also, I think my body is experiencing some degree of seasonal depression. It lacks the despair, anger, and acute fear that it carried in the past. It's more like lack of joy. It threw me initially, and I was doubting the validity of my practice. Now I'm seeing it more clearly and tracking the emptiness of self.

His aunt was in the garden, tending whatever flowers die at that time of year. She embraced him and together they went down into the bowels of the earth, into the kitchen in the basement. She took the parcel and undid it and abruptly the lobster was on the table, on the oilcloth, discovered.

“They assured me it was fresh” said Belacqua.

Suddenly he saw the creature move, this neuter creature. Definitely it changed its position. His hand flew to his mouth.

“Christ!” he said “it's alive.”

His aunt looked at the lobster. It moved again. It made a faint nervous act of life on the oilcloth. They stood above it, looking down on it, exposed cruciform on the oilcloth. It shuddered again. Belacqua felt he would be sick.

“My God” he whined “it's alive, what'll we do?” The aunt simply had to laugh. She bustled off to the pantry to fetch her smart apron, leaving him goggling down at the lobster, and came back with it on and her sleeves rolled up, all business.

“Well” she said “it is to be hoped so, indeed.”

“All this time” muttered Belacqua. Then, suddenly aware of her hideous equipment: “What are you going to do?” he cried.

“Boil the beast” she said, “what else?”

“But it's not dead” protested Belacqua “you can't boil it like that.”

She looked at him in astonishment. Had he taken leave of his senses?

“Have sense” she said sharply, “lobsters are always boiled alive. They must be.” She caught up the lobster and laid it on its back. It trembled. “They feel nothing” she said.

In the depths of the sea it had crept into the cruel pot. For hours, in the midst of its enemies, it had breathed secretly. It had survived the Frenchwoman's cat and his witless clutch. Now it was going alive into scalding water. It had to. Take into the air my quiet breath.

Belacqua looked at the old parchment of her face, grey in the dim kitchen.

“You make a fuss” she said angrily “and upset me and then lash into it for your dinner.”

She lifted the lobster clear of the table. It had about thirty seconds to live.

Well, thought Belacqua, it's a quick death, God help us all.

It is not.

The Blessed One said, "Mindfulness of death, when developed & pursued, is of great fruit & great benefit. It gains a footing in the Deathless, has the Deathless as its final end. Therefore you should develop mindfulness of death."

When this was said, a certain monk addressed the Blessed One, "I already develop mindfulness of death."

"And how do you develop mindfulness of death?"

"I think, 'O, that I might live for a day & night, that I might attend to the Blessed One's instructions. I would have accomplished a great deal.' This is how I develop mindfulness of death."

Then another monk addressed the Blessed One, "I, too, already develop mindfulness of death."

"And how do you develop mindfulness of death?"

"I think, 'O, that I might live for a day, that I might attend to the Blessed One's instructions. I would have accomplished a great deal.' This is how I develop mindfulness of death."

Then another monk addressed the Blessed One, "I, too, develop mindfulness of death." ... "I think, 'O, that I might live for the interval that it takes to eat a meal, that I might attend to the Blessed One's instructions. I would have accomplished a great deal.' ..."

Then another monk addressed the Blessed One, "I, too, develop mindfulness of death." ... "I think, 'O, that I might live for the interval that it takes to swallow having chewed up four morsels of food, that I might attend to the Blessed One's instructions. I would have accomplished a great deal.' ..."

Then another monk addressed the Blessed One, "I, too, develop mindfulness of death." ... "I think, 'O, that I might live for the interval that it takes to swallow having chewed up one morsel of food, that I might attend to the Blessed One's instructions. I would have accomplished a great deal.' ..."

Then another monk addressed the Blessed One, "I, too, develop mindfulness of death." ... "I think, 'O, that I might live for the interval that it takes to breathe out after breathing in, or to breathe in after breathing out, that I might attend to the Blessed One's instructions. I would have accomplished a great deal.' This is how I develop mindfulness of death."

When this was said, the Blessed One addressed the monks. "Whoever develops mindfulness of death, thinking, 'O, that I might live for a day & night... for a day... for the interval that it takes to eat a meal... for the interval that it takes to swallow having chewed up four morsels of food, that I might attend to the Blessed One's instructions. I would have accomplished a great deal' — they are said to dwell heedlessly. They develop mindfulness of death slowly for the sake of ending the effluents.

"But whoever develops mindfulness of death, thinking, 'O, that I might live for the interval that it takes to swallow having chewed up one morsel of food... for the interval that it takes to breathe out after breathing in, or to breathe in after breathing out, that I might attend to the Blessed One's instructions. I would have accomplished a great deal' — they are said to dwell heedfully. They develop mindfulness of death acutely for the sake of ending the effluents.

"Therefore you should train yourselves: 'We will dwell heedfully. We will develop mindfulness of death acutely for the sake of ending the effluents.' That is how you should train yourselves."

That is what the Blessed One said. Gratified, the monks delighted in the Blessed One's words.